Forget the curve ball. Give 'em the heater!

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Book Report :) Lefty's Legacy

Sandy Koufax: A Lefty's Legacy

I’ll be honest, I knew nothing about Koufax outside of the fact that he pitched for Dodgers and refused to take the mound on Yom Kippur. After reading this, I wished that I was around to see every one of his pitches. Koufax once threw over a hundred pitches while WARMING UP in the bullpen. I mean, this guy was an absolute warrior, so much so his flame fizzled out way too early. Emotion filled book detailing everything from Koufax’s college basketball numbers to his time in the bigs. Lefty’s Legacy is told from the point of view of every batter who swung threw his curve and you feel their pain. The book also taught me to never ever (eva, eva?) compare Pedro Martinez’s numbers to Koufax’s numbers in front of my pop.

On a scale of One to Five Baseballs: FIVE BASEBALLS



I realized that I was a pussy the other day. And it’s not for the reasons that just jumped inside your head either. It has nothing to do with my small, muscle-less frame or the fact that I suckled from my mother’s teat until the age of 16. No. Those facts have absolutely no bearing at all. The reason I’m a pussy is because I’ve foolishly been drinking water for the purposes of hydration for the last 24 years.

According to the good people at Gatorade, who only have our best interest at heart, water is not enough. It has no flavor, no carbohydrates, and no electrolytes (whatever those are). In other words, water is for pussies. In fact, I now wonder how humanity ever reached this point in history relying solely on the swill known as water. If I were dying of thirst in the desert and I happened upon an oasis, I’d rather die than drink that shit. It’s an insult to mankind to even consider imbibing the liquid now that Gatorade has been invented. That’s how much better Gatorade is than water. So, I say to you, God bless God for granting the men at the University of Florida the mental capacity to invent Gatorade. God bless those Gatorade inventing men themselves. And God bless each and every ingredient in the delicious, hydrating beverage that is Gatorade, starting with the number one ingredient on the list…water?!

-Backwords K
Backwords K is a first time contributor to the wonderful world of TaylorBunts.

Monday, June 27, 2005

Weekend Haze...

Now, as a Yankees fan, I completely understand that my complaints and concerns mean absolutely nothing to the common person. I know my whining about how bad things are sound similar to the spoiled kid down the block who has two Skeletor's Castles and bitches that one of the draw bridges doesn't work. So, yes, I understand that many of those readers out there may not care, but you know what? I do.

I was never a huge advocate of going after Beltran, not at the price he was asking, but after this weekend, after watching the shoddy (to put it nicely) play in the OF, why didn't anyone see this coming? At this point, if Bernie were playing second base, he wouldn't be able to throw anyone out at first.

Tony Womack bothers me for a thousand reasons, but here is #1 in my book. How can a baseball player not be able to play any position on the field? I play softball and I can play any spot on the field. These commentators talk about instinct and how Womack has a second baseman's instinct and that doesn't work in the out field. I say, bull shit! I say, the ball is hit, you read it and attack it. If you can't make the play, you can't make the play. But don't cop out saying how you can't adjust. If you're bad, you're bad and move on. Don't be a puss b/c you don't want to look bad!

Some other thoughts from the weekend:

-After reading that the young stud prospect shaved his head and became the butt of every joke in the clubhouse. And how EVERY teammate rallied behind him and teased him, I must say that it really made me envious of what a baseball team should be, FUN. But you know what sunk my battleship? That was the Mets clubhouse and Davey Boy Wright. You mean baseball teams have fun? Watching the Yanks, I had no idea baseball was fun.

-The only thing better than Bernie playing CF, is being in the Stadium when he decides to butcher his legacy.

-Unless he goes in the tank from here on out, ARod will only be talked about in a positive light. For serious, he's batting over .330. For the non-followers, .330 + 20 HR + 60-something RBI=riDONK!

-The end of Die Hard 2 bothered me some. Right after McClane blows up the plane with all the bad guys and right after he screams with a frozen jaw, sounding more mentally ill than Rocky, "Now, the planes can land!" The planes do land and everyone is happy. McClane screams, "Holly! Holly!" until he finds her. She runs to his arms, they kiss AND here is the moment in question. Half of McClane's face is covered in blood, absolutely soaked. He's not wearing a jacket in the sub-freezing/snowy weather and the poor bastard just got beaten to a pulp. Does she even recognize this? No. Not at all.

-Davey Wright and Broke Eye Danny from Real World, AWESOME, Texas might be the same person.

-Before the Giambi heroics of last evening, (I was waiting for Sam Ryan to ask "So Jason, is it true before you went to bat, Jose Canseco popped out of the club house and injected you in the ass?) a startling comparisons was brought to my attention. Giambi and Mark Bellhorn are just about the same player now. They will either walk or strike out, with the occasional long ball.

-Devstated about The Miz Departure!

-If the Mets had a bullpen, boy would this guy be sour today.

-The only thing better than the Sunday NY Times crossword puzzle, is finishing the Sunday NY Times crossword puzzle.

-How scurry is Gary Sheffield? After being tossed from the game, you just know something was destroyed in the clubhouse.

-And finally, the Sox are in first. How super for them!


Wreslting with Reality

When the internet was created who coulda predicted that one day, one of the greatest reality stars of our generation Mike "The Miz" would use it as a platform to announce his future plans. It turns out that those of us who live off the RW/RR Challenges will have to do it now sans Miz.

It turns out the Miz has decided to focus all of his energy on his wrestling career and stop participating in challenges.

I haven't cried this hard since Coral was eliminated early thus denying us her amazing combination of attitude and mamaries.

All this and more horrors follow via link

- BL

Tuesday, June 21, 2005


Ditto Jon, Ditto

Let the Rain Fall Down..........I'm Comin Clean.

- BL

A Moment Like This...

There are some events that transcend time. Moments like the first Saturday when the Wolverines charge through the tunnel and tap the "Go Blue" sign at mid-field. Or Bob Sheppard's first call at The Stadium. Maybe even the opening seconds of fantasy drafts. These are times that, unless, you are a follower, you are left in the cold.

But my friends, I want to share another HUGE day. A day that the calendar has held hostage for too long. A day when the REAL kids of the OC shine. Ladies and Gents, circle July 25. Set the TiVos, set the DVRs, set the VCRs or you know what just watch MTV on loop because Laguna Beach is back!

Some say you're either a Stones person or a Beatles person. I say you're either a Kristin person or an LC person. I consider myself an LC person, but I probably am a little bland, a little vanilla.

For serious though, the excitement is too much to contain. Watch and enjoy.


Monday, June 20, 2005

Brett Boone, Come on Down

Add Brett Boone's name to the growing list of recent stars who just seem to be missing some of that juice which made them all stars. While Boone hit 37 HRs and had 141 RBIs in 2001, he has cratered this year hitting only 5 HRs while making 9 million a year. Boone was mentioned in Jose Canceco's book as being one of the most obvious steroid users in the league, and his fall from grace seems to tie in to the stricter steroid testing in the league. I am not trying to be a jerk here but, his brother Aaron blows out a knee playing pickup basketball followed by his poor showing this year for the tribe, seems to reak of chemical shenanigans.

Well Seattle has started nailing the coffin of Boone, as they have decided to bench the once terribly highlighted haired 2nb for a call up from AAA. The line is that this is just so that Boone can regain his once dominating swing. The problem is when your ace in the hole is a prick in the rear, no time or mechanical change can help.

As the league filters out more and more of the cheaters it once showcased the players who we were once amazed by return to their pedestrian roots.

Brady Anderson Pantheon of (Alledged) Steroid Users

Sosa, Giambi, Brett and Aaron Boone, Kevin Brown

- BL

Friday, June 17, 2005

Where There's Smoke...

Ladies and gentlemen, get out the way! Nate Newton has been spotted in Boston and Boulder. I repeat, Nate Newton has been spotted cruising in his van in bean town and red rocks!

Word has it that Jesus Sexton has transfered to Boston College.


Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Jesus Christ Attends FSU

Wyatt Sexton, the current heir apparent to Chris Rix (and his multiple WWJD bracelets) at FSU was recently in quite a bit of trouble when approached by police. Turns out that telling people your name is "God" or the "Son of God" can bring some unwanted attention.

Apparently Sexton had attended a rock concert headlined by the Dave Matthews Band and had injested too many hemp cocktails, and ended up face down in the middle of the street. Ah the pagentry of sports. If only Keith Jackson was there for the incident....

"Ohhh my and here comes Wyatt "Son of God" Sexton and the Seminoles of Florida State"


Friday, June 10, 2005

The Best Columnist/Midget in New York

Not since Napoleon has someone shown as much bravado while being under 5 feet tall as Mike Lupica. Whether he's anchoring the Sports Reporters or picking out new little red glasses he will always be my lil' Mike.

It is my pleasure to continue to kick the Yankees at every turn I get, and let's just say this article guaranteed that I will have a happy weekend.

- BL

Thursday, June 09, 2005

I See Blue and They Look Glorious

They tell us no team from East has ever won the title. They say that the two-time defending champions CAN'T be beaten. But you know what Blue says, "Not So Fast Mister!"

Last evening, the lady softball Wolverines stared into the ferocious eyes of the Bruins (the TWO TIME DEFENDING CHAMPION BRUINS) and they did not back down. After dropping the first game of the three game series, the Wolverines fought back in game two and forced last nights cataclysmic deciding game.

So let's jump to the bottom of ninth (clearly not because this is when THIS guy started watching). Anyway, you heard me right, bottom of the ninth. These are indeed seven inning games, but with Wolverine Jennie "Three's Company" Ritter and Bruin Jelly Seldon dealin' on the mound, this one went some extra frames.

Ritter gave up a lead off double in the ninth and held tight. With runners on first and third and one out, Ritter induced a pop out and strike out. The Bruin attack was haulted. In the top of the tenth, the Wolverines took control. A one out error put the go ahead runner on and an infield single and an out brought Freshman Samantha Findlay to the plate. Findlay ran the count to 2-2 and her best Hank Aaron, crushed the go ahead three run jack jobber over the left field stands.

The Bruins could only muster one runner in the bottom half of the tenth and the rest is, how we say in Ann Arbor, history, baby!

The Champs are all Blue, but Blue in the best way.


Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Gilligan Meets the Red Sox Coming Soon

So last night i had the honor of watching the Queer Eye for the Straight Guy's make over the 2004 WORLD CHAMPION BOSTON RED SOX, and boy was it a show.

Where to start with this amazing television production. Well the first important thing in the show was the over the top product placement of Dunkin Dougnuts which included a visit to a local branch in western florida by the Fab 5. Nothing goes together like Gays and Doughnuts huh? Then to bring it over the top they forced little leaguers to eat them before playing a game, ah yes mom bring me a boston creme I have a big game tonight.

Lets see they made over Millar, Wakefield, Mirabelli, and Johnny Damon, but the King of the Mountain was still the captain of the ship Jason Varitek. Varitek landed on the outfield of the spring training field in a helicopter ala Trump, and soon took over the show with a back waxing fit for a King.

The Show took an almost Hamlet-esque turn with a makeover inside of a makeover as the Fab 5 made over a little league field destroyed by one of the Hurricanes with redneck names, coulda been Floyd or Clarence, I was too tired to remember. The Kids were like product cattle going from their doughnuts to BJ Wholesale Club cooking hot dogs. I was waiting for a Rawlings truck full of new jock staps to raise the level of unease on the field.

But to be honest the most fun I had with the show was thinkin what coulda been.....What if the Yanks close out Game 4 and they are getting the makeover.

Carson: So Jason what do you think of your new look?

Giambi: I can confirm that I have seen my new look, but I cannot discuss my feelings whether or not I do like it. I have seen it, but thats it.

Carson: Peachy!

or maybe....

Thom: So Derek thanks for laying all this new tile while we were at lunch.

Jeter: Its all about giving your all.

Thom: And it goes great with the trim.

Jeter: Mariah Carey's here?

or even

Jai: Randy why dont we start by learning some basic dance moves that will lead to our rumba.

Johnson: Get that camera out of my face. Out of my face!

Yeah it would be an easy makeover for the guys with the Yanks. I mean A-Rod is the most polished celebrity since Liberace. I can see Carl Pavano with some highlights and them pinning back Jorge's ears. Ah what could have been....

- BL

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Now, I wonder...

I'm fan of sports. I'll watch just about anything, but I LOVE watching my teams. But I just don't think I can ever see myself traveling to the stadium to watch an away game on the Jumbo-tron. For serious, who are these people that go to the Palace and watch game 7 on the big screen as opposed to watching the game on their couch with a brew, some chips and maybe a Digourno.

Whatever. Good for them.

I guess I'll go with the Pistons in 6.


David Stern Suicide Watch

Listen carefully kiddies, shhh quiet; you can almost hear the sound of NBA executives jumping to their deaths.

Can it get any worse for the NBA? After a sub-par regular season whose defining moment was a mid air bottle of water in a suburb of detroit; the NBA now has itself in another sleepy finals situation. Detroit is a great place to kill someone while San Antonio is a good place to stash said body. The NBA glory years were when the two coasts were hot with action, and having no games in places like New York, Boston, or Los Angeles, leaves the NBA with little room for error.

No Shaq, no controversy (unless Larry Brown's Colon counts as a subplot) no cache, no Kobe, no juice.

The NBA is terrible, did anyone notice the foul called on Rip Hamilton late in the game when the referee ran into Dwayne Wade knocking him to the floor and had no other choice but to call a foul, Terrible.

This might not be the lowest rated Finals of all time, but it sure deserves to be.

- BL

Monday, June 06, 2005

Worst Playoffs Ever.......

Well I dont know much bout history or much bout geometry, dont know much bout science books, dont know much about the french i took, but what i do know is this has easily become the worst NBA Post-Season in the post MJ-NBA. Jon seems to give them a B mark but for what I dare ask?? I mean the East playoffs gave us the fighting Celtics and 76ers while in the West we got a taste of Sonic Ball.

Wake me up when NFL training camp starts.

The whole playoffs we had to hear how we just had to wait for the conference finals for the real fireworks to happen. We were lucky to watch the Suns, the feel good Harlem Globetrotters of the NBA, lay an egg when playing a team that actually plays defense. Its one thing when you're team is scoring 120 points during the regular season when no one except bruce bowen plays defense, but watching the suns get rolled this season was akin to watching the 2001-2002 Mavs team scoring boatloads of points, but ask Dirk to grab an defensive rebound and he's just another pituitary case.


That in a nutshell is the NBA today BORING. David Stern recently hired Matthew Dowd, a GOP marketing wiz who is trying to recapture that old black magic of years past. Good Luck. Larry Bird isnt walking through that door. Magic Johnson isnt walking through that door. Hell not even Sleepy Eyed Sam Perkins isnt walking through that door, unless someone has a mad blunt for my man.

Wait someone is waving their hands and yelling something at me.....Oh yeah my bad I was supposed to predict the winner of Game 7 tonight. Silly me getting all caught up in how bad of a product the NBA is putting out the winner.

I am going with the Miami Heat, now I know I recenty told some people that the Heat were dead with Wade's rib injury, but I still dont trust the Pistons and I think the big fella has one more MVPlike game in him.

But dont ask me I'll be watching the real sporting event on Monday nights, the Real World/Road Rules Challenge.


Fine Me 100K!

Prediction for tonights game 7 in MIA:

Up till now, I would have to give the NBA playoffs a B- and I don't think I am the only one who thinks this. With that being said, and knowing that David Stern keeps his finger to the pulse of the league, I would imagine he knows this as well. So being the savy business man he is, he stepped up to the plate. So what exactly does that mean?

Well, I think Stern decided to throw Flash some money and tell him to "hurt" his rib, thereby, adding some juice into this playoff series. After the "Larry Brown to the Cavs" rumors didn’t do the job, Stern MUST have thought this would be the best way to get EVERYONE back into this series (by EVERYONE I mean all the people who weren't watching). In fact, I think this may go even deeper b/c Wade was in People's most beautiful people, which could mean that this potential conspiracy was planted a few months ago.

What was planted you say? Well, how bouts Wade crossing over into main stream pop culture. Getting all the ladies to love D. Wade, watch him blossom into MJ post-White Sox and then watch him go down. With all that said, here we go:

D. Wade will be the next in the line of the Willis Reed/ MJ with the flu / or (gulp) the stupid damned ridiculous, can't even believe I'm mentioning it "Bloody Sox." Basically what this means is D Wade will drop a triple double, along the lines of 13 points (on 7-8 FT), 10 boards and 13 dimes. But more importantly a win for Miami.

Afterwards Rasheed will meet a shirtless Ron Artest in the parking lot and the two of them will take on Giambi and The Miz in the next Wrestlemania!


Thursday, June 02, 2005

Spell Check

He stands at the podium.

His confidence is glowing.

Heart racing. It's his time.

The voice speaks, "Appoggiatura."

A cheer from the crowd draws a smile on his face. His braces glisten in the spotlight.

The word resonates through his head. Origin. Definition. Etymology.


He begins the word, fittingly, from the beginning of the alphabet, "A."

You can almost hear his heart beating, or wait, maybe that was mine.

"P, P, O." So very close.

His voice crescendoes, his spirit lifts.

"G, G, I, A."

And there it is, glory. He almost jumps from his shoes as the word, Appoggiatura, flows from his lips.

Victorious. Life as he knows it is over. Things will all be different, now.

The 2005 Scripps Howard spelling bee champ, Anurag Kashyap.

ESPN's Chris McKendry runs to the stage, "Describe to us, whats going through your head right now?"

The champ responds, "Ecstaticness!"

And so it goes. Another gripping Spelling Bee. Only one stands above the ashes of the other two hundred and seventeen competitors. At the end of the day, no one will remember that this year marked the first time, ever, that three contestants made it to the final 19 words. All they will remember is Appoggiatura, Anurag Kashyap, and his ecstaticness.

Congrats, Anurag on a job well spelled!!!


Wednesday, June 01, 2005

49ers Remove Cleat From Mouth

Quick name 3 current 49ers?............Can't do it? Well neither can I, or anyone east of the Mississippi River. Well to try solve that problem, the PR department of the SF 49ers put out this informational video to let players know the importance of letting PR flacks deny your coke habit when you test positive. The video contains choice quotes, including this one from an asian trainer playing, well an asian storeowner.

"My name is Suck Hung,'' the Chinese man says as he's leaving. "My brother's name is Suck Young -- my whole family suck."

Comedy hasn't been this edgy since Dice played at the Garden. The SF Chronicle has all the assorted details.

- BL