Hatorade

I realized that I was a pussy the other day. And it’s not for the reasons that just jumped inside your head either. It has nothing to do with my small, muscle-less frame or the fact that I suckled from my mother’s teat until the age of 16. No. Those facts have absolutely no bearing at all. The reason I’m a pussy is because I’ve foolishly been drinking water for the purposes of hydration for the last 24 years.

According to the good people at Gatorade, who only have our best interest at heart, water is not enough. It has no flavor, no carbohydrates, and no electrolytes (whatever those are). In other words, water is for pussies. In fact, I now wonder how humanity ever reached this point in history relying solely on the swill known as water. If I were dying of thirst in the desert and I happened upon an oasis, I’d rather die than drink that shit. It’s an insult to mankind to even consider imbibing the liquid now that Gatorade has been invented. That’s how much better Gatorade is than water. So, I say to you, God bless God for granting the men at the University of Florida the mental capacity to invent Gatorade. God bless those Gatorade inventing men themselves. And God bless each and every ingredient in the delicious, hydrating beverage that is Gatorade, starting with the number one ingredient on the list…water?!

-Backwords K
Backwords K is a first time contributor to the wonderful world of TaylorBunts.