Forget the curve ball. Give 'em the heater!

Friday, February 23, 2007

Which One is the Pop Star?

Invisiline Case #12345
Before and After.
- JG

The Future of Paternity

Maury: Welcome back, before the break we met Bridget, a 36 year old from Binghamton NY, who is trying to find out who the father of her 6 month old son TJ is. Now Bridget you say that you were only with one man when you concieved TJ is that right?

Bridget: Maury, (dabbing eyes) I know who the baby daddy is. I was only with one man, and he went and ran off with Speedy Gonzalez's slutty sister. I just want the truth to come out.

Maury: Well let's meet this man, he's a 3 time Super Bowl Champion with a chin dimple most people would kill for, let's meet the guy you think is the father, this is Tom.

(Backstage footage of Tom wearing a backwards Pats hat rolls)

Tom: Maury this bitch is crazy (crowd boos) I know she was with every guy in town, I heard she even did my cousin. I aint that baby's father and today I am gonna prove it. Bridget get ready to be out of my life cause once the test results come in, you and your crazy close to 40 body is out of my life. I aint no bitch.

Maury: Let's give a big welcome to Tom everyone. (Brady crypt walks out to a chorus of boos).

Tom: Ohhh, all you haters, shut up, sit down, all you haters,

Maury: Now Tom,

Tom: Ya'll don't know me

Maury: Tom, please, now you are certain that you aren't that father of TJ?
Tom: I know Maury, she's been with everyone on the block, it took my new lady for me to see the mistakes I made with this one.

Bridget: Look at that baby Tom, he's never cried a day in his life, and he's only ever made one unsolid bowl movement, who else's kid is that Tom? He's yours!!

Tom: Clam it, Clam it woman
Maury: Ok, let's take a question from the audience, how bout you, got a comment or question for these two.?
Audience Member: "Ummm yea this is a question for Bridget, Why you always look sad all the time, thats prolly why Tom done left your droopey eyed lookin self. I LOVE YOU TOM!"

Maury: Please, please the key word here is respect. I am aware there is a third piece of the puzzle, and she's here. She's a knockout and foreign, let's meet Giselle.

Giselle: (Crowd Boos) Shud Up, Shud ya faces, ugly people.

Tom: Give the King some sugar babe (Open mouth kissing commences).

Maury: Now Giselle you were there for most of this, what can you tell us about the relationship.

Giselle: Fadshun is life Moory, and to dink dat all we need is Fadshun. I know Bono.
Maury: And who then do you think is the father of TJ Giselle?
Giselle: Yes, I Gisselle, where bathroom?, yes (with a happy lost in headlights smile)

Maury: Poetic, now I have the results here. Right here. In my right hand. The test results. The Paternity answers everyone is looking for. Right here. In my right hand. I got them. Here we go.

When it comes to 6 month old TJ, Tom, You are...........................................NOT THE FATHER!

Bridget: No (she screams here way backstage while the crowd begins to boo again).

Tom: I told ya, I told all of y'all, Where's my respect, Where's my love. (Slaps Giselle on the ass) Let's bust out babe, I got us two tickets to Paradise.

Giselle: Jew so romantic.
Maury: Well that's our show, I wanna thank all our women who got those needed answers, its a cruel mean world out there, but if you're gonna have a child out of wedlock make sure its with a professional athlete. Until next time America.

- BL

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Dance, Dance

I have always enjoyed the careers of Olympic athletes in the same way that I enjoyed the lives of goldfish won at the county fair. There is a guaranteed ten days of infatuation and cooing until we realize that fish and athletes are both easily replaceable. Usually by the time the fish is in its sewer mausoleum and the gold medalist are doing there last rounds on the Jimmy Kimmel Show I am ready to move on.

Who needs to remember that guy with the big teeth who swims, or the underdeveloped white female gymnast, or the underdeveloped black female gymnast, or even the underdeveloped latin gymnast?

Sadly thanks to ABC and the good people at Dancing with the Stars, the only true athletic reality show (YOU HEAR ME PROs Vs. JOEs), we are being asked to remember one of these former 4 yr stars. The announcement of Apollo Anton Ohno and the rest of the cast has caused a wave of sentimentality over me.

Remember Ohno, he's got that sick Sam Jackson in Jackie Brown facial hair going, which has always been in fashion. He owns gold medals in Short Track, basically speed skating designed by the guys from Jackass or Korean Football, whichever fits the situation. Now he's trying for the Dancing with the Stars title; color me excited. My question is what will it take for us to get some of the other Olympic names from the past? Did Keri Strug just fire her representation? What's keeping these hero's from the spotlight?

Should we handle them like the Real World does? Make 12 gold medalists compete in various challenges sponsored by Chilli's, while drinking, hooking up, and making great TV. Who needs the Miz when you got Bode Miller trying to push Amy Van Dyken into the deep end of the swimming pool.

(Now many of you might ask why I didn't discuss Clyde Drexler's name being on the list, and the main reason is, um, well Clyde is boring. I mean Matt Geiger, Larry Johnson, Shawn Kemp these are the STARS, Clyde is the guy you used to pass the ball to da Dream in old school NBA Jam)

Set the Tivo's for March 19th, its the dawn of a new era, forget the Gold, Silver, and Bronze, the real money and fame are in the rhinestones, tango, and waxing.

- BL

Monday, November 27, 2006

ESPN Asks the Burning Question

"Patriots place LB Seau on IR; is career finished?"

Wait, is ESPN telling me there is a market for 37 linebackers? Junior mighta had a chance suiting up for the next Longest Yard remake, but I would say the answer to that question is a resounding No.

Paging the San Diego Front Office, Paging the San Diego Front Office, Someone clear the conference room.

(Note the action in the above Photo is not Reverse Cowgirl)

- BL

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

A Class Act

Screw Katie, I'm all about the Bob.

- BL

Monday, July 31, 2006

They Just Cant Get Enough

How many apathetic hispanic players can the Yankee's trade for? Is Rey Ordonez still available? Someone shake Raul Mondesi out of mothball, the Yanks got a roster spot for ya.

- BL

Thursday, July 20, 2006

ESP In Your Face

Keep your reciepts for those ESPN Mobile Phones, the boys at Merill Lynch aren't impressed.

According to this article ESPN could be looking at losses of over $135 Million with barely 30,000 people(Hey that's the same amount of people who watch Around the Horn) signed up for the service.

Basically if ESPN were a puppy, ESPN Mobile would be its testicles, around for now but everyone except them realizes its only a matter of time before they're floating in formaldehyde.

- BL

Wednesday, July 19, 2006


This just in, Chad Pennington's labrum still intact.

Stay Tuned...

- BL