The Future of Paternity

Maury: Welcome back, before the break we met Bridget, a 36 year old from Binghamton NY, who is trying to find out who the father of her 6 month old son TJ is. Now Bridget you say that you were only with one man when you concieved TJ is that right?

Bridget: Maury, (dabbing eyes) I know who the baby daddy is. I was only with one man, and he went and ran off with Speedy Gonzalez's slutty sister. I just want the truth to come out.

Maury: Well let's meet this man, he's a 3 time Super Bowl Champion with a chin dimple most people would kill for, let's meet the guy you think is the father, this is Tom.

(Backstage footage of Tom wearing a backwards Pats hat rolls)

Tom: Maury this bitch is crazy (crowd boos) I know she was with every guy in town, I heard she even did my cousin. I aint that baby's father and today I am gonna prove it. Bridget get ready to be out of my life cause once the test results come in, you and your crazy close to 40 body is out of my life. I aint no bitch.

Maury: Let's give a big welcome to Tom everyone. (Brady crypt walks out to a chorus of boos).

Tom: Ohhh, all you haters, shut up, sit down, all you haters,

Maury: Now Tom,

Tom: Ya'll don't know me

Maury: Tom, please, now you are certain that you aren't that father of TJ?

Tom: I know Maury, she's been with everyone on the block, it took my new lady for me to see the mistakes I made with this one.


Bridget: Look at that baby Tom, he's never cried a day in his life, and he's only ever made one unsolid bowl movement, who else's kid is that Tom? He's yours!!

Tom: Clam it, Clam it woman

Maury: Ok, let's take a question from the audience, how bout you, got a comment or question for these two.?

Audience Member: "Ummm yea this is a question for Bridget, Why you always look sad all the time, thats prolly why Tom done left your droopey eyed lookin self. I LOVE YOU TOM!"

Maury: Please, please the key word here is respect. I am aware there is a third piece of the puzzle, and she's here. She's a knockout and foreign, let's meet Giselle.

Giselle: (Crowd Boos) Shud Up, Shud ya faces, ugly people.

Tom: Give the King some sugar babe (Open mouth kissing commences).

Maury: Now Giselle you were there for most of this, what can you tell us about the relationship.

Giselle: Fadshun is life Moory, and to dink dat all we need is Fadshun. I know Bono.

Maury: And who then do you think is the father of TJ Giselle?

Giselle: Yes, I Gisselle, where bathroom?, yes (with a happy lost in headlights smile)

Maury: Poetic, now I have the results here. Right here. In my right hand. The test results. The Paternity answers everyone is looking for. Right here. In my right hand. I got them. Here we go.

When it comes to 6 month old TJ, Tom, You are...........................................NOT THE FATHER!

Bridget: No (she screams here way backstage while the crowd begins to boo again).

Tom: I told ya, I told all of y'all, Where's my respect, Where's my love. (Slaps Giselle on the ass) Let's bust out babe, I got us two tickets to Paradise.

Giselle: Jew so romantic.

Maury: Well that's our show, I wanna thank all our women who got those needed answers, its a cruel mean world out there, but if you're gonna have a child out of wedlock make sure its with a professional athlete. Until next time America.

- BL