Forget the curve ball. Give 'em the heater!

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

An All-Star Goodbye?

Commissioner Bud hasn't made anything official, but said he would seriously consider having the 2008 All-Star game in the Bronx.

There's also a rumor that 2010 game will be held at the New Stadium.

Ah, soak in all the Yankee Love. Soak it in.

Come on everybody, see how good I look!


Good Thing Andy Roddick is White and Appealing

Americans love White people, you might not know that from watching this years VMA's on MTV, but yes we love whites. The only thing we love more than successfull whites is attractive whites. The problem is when looks enter into sports they seem to effect our overall view of the athlete.

Anna Kournikova couldn't rally with Steven Hawkings, but she can wear a micro-mini skirt so she gets the cover of SI. David Beckham hasn't been the soccer player of his youth the past few years, but no one roots for Becks cause of his soccer skills. Rick Fox spent the last few years of his Lakers tenure getting chemical free perms, but what a smile on that guy.

The worst example of this phenomenom is Andy Roddick, who is blessed with both a baby face and an adult serve, but can't seem to put them together on the tennis court. Roddick does have a grand slam on his resume, 2003 US Open, but since then has been nothing but a false replacement for Pete Sampras. His bad streak hit another bump as he lost to a guy from Luxembourg, yes let me repeat that a guy from Luxembourg.

Those sounds you can hear are executives from the USA network leaping to their demise as the golden boy, someone who would jack up all men's ratings, can't make it out of the early rounds.

American Express was running an ad campaign before the Open asking people "Have you seen Andy's Mojo?". Yeah I saw Andy's Mojo, it was running down Mandy Moore's leg.

Andy Roddick has more money than I do, is rumored to be dating maria sharapova, and is a world famous athlete, but he is headed to Harold Minor territory where all overhyped "next generation" stars finally end up.

Show me something Andrew, other than your good side.

- BL

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

I'm all for strengthening the bench, but...

The Yankees signed Mark Bellhorn from the scrap heap. Really?

Is it just me or is the signing of the Red Sox leftovers a little unsettling? For serious, who's next Gabe Krapler?

Literally shaking my head over this one.


A Fantasy not featuring Natalie Portman

Last sunday I like millions of others fell under the fall spell of Fantasy Football. The particulars of my league are pretty common with 1 QB, 2 RBs, 3 WRs, 1 TE, 1 K, and 1 DEF. With 12 teams in the league I found myself picking 9th, so I buckled down and tried to make the best version of the Palm Beach Colons yet.

Palm Beach Colons 2005 Roster

QB - Marc Bulger (5th rd 57th pick) While some people are down on Marc, I still trust that the combo of Holt and Bruce will be enough for Bulger to at least repeat his numbers from last year. My back up is Big Ben Roethlisberger, so let's hope Marc stays upright.

RBs - Jamal Lewis (1st rd 9th pick) Ahman Green (2nd rd 16th pick) My favorite pick just happened to be my first as Jamal Lewis was still on the board when 9 rolled around. I had anticipated choosing between Corey Dillon or Clinton Portis, but the team picking 7th took Daunte Culpepper (easily the biggest reach of my draft) letting me grab a top flight RB who at 25 years old still has alot in the tank, as well as a felony conviction in the offseason to overcome. Now my Ahman Green pick was a bit more suspect as Kevin Jones and Rudi Johnson were both available then, but I just feel that the Packers coming off a subpar offensive season will prove the naysayers wrong and make a turn around. If Green can reduce the number of fumbles this year my RB could be the rock of the Colons.

WRs - Reggie Wayne (3rd rd 33rd pick) Lee Evans (6th rd 64th pick) Mushin Muhammad (7th rd 81st pick) Plaxico Burress (8th rd 88th pick) Michael Jenkins (11rd 129th pick) Now my WR core is easily the softest part of my team but also the part with the most potential upside. Wayne is number one WR in a number two slot, and is one concussion to Marvin away from being Peyton's number one target. Evans, Muhammad, Plexi, and Jenkins all are predicated on the play of their perspective QBs. Can JP Losman get the ball to Evans? Will Kyle Orton who couldn't pass on Michigan, thread balls to Muhammad through NFL defensive backs? Is Eli's elbow healthy enough to spread around the ball between Plexi and Amani not a tumor? Is Michael Jenkins the WR who finally catches Mike Vick's attention? All of these questions are unanswered, leaving my WRs with tons of questions, but lots of possibilities.

TE - Tony Gonzalez (4th rd 40th pick) Now I usually shy away from taking the big time TEs, and prefer to try to grab a few good sleeper candidates at the position, but I couldn't pass on Tony G. Most drafts have him being taken between 27th and 33rd pick so seeing him still on the board at 40 was an easy pick. He won't dominate every week, but his numbers are hard to argue with, and you can't put a price on never worrying about your TE slot for the entire season.

K - If you really care about who my kicker is, then go outside and get some fresh air.

Def - see Kicker.

Good luck to all this year, and remember everyone's fantasies are different; mine just feature black men who weigh over 300 pounds.

- BL

Monday, August 29, 2005

There's only one Sandman

"Say your prayers little one
Dont forget, my son
To include everyone

Tuck you in, warm within
Keep you free from sin
Till the sandman he comes

Sleep with one eye open
Gripping your pillow tight

Exit light
Enter night
Take my hand
Off to never never land"

Those words resonate in your brain. The bass pounds inside your chest. The bullpen door swings open and in jogs Mariano Rivera. He gets to the mound, licks his fingers, and goodnight. He is the Sandman.

I don't know when that song became his anthem and I don't know if he requested it at all, but I do know there are few sports moments that carry that much excitement. No one can hold a candle to Mo. And that's why there should be a law against multiple closers using the same song.

Don't get me wrong, Billy Wagner is a SUPER studly closer, but he is no Sandman. Therefore he shouldn't be allowed to use that same song as Mariano.

Whatever, claim Yankee supremacism, and that is definitely warrantedd, but come on. THERE SHOULD ONLY BE ONE SANDMAN!!!!

And seriously, Todd Jones and Christian Rock?


Inside The Numbers

It is well documented that Carlos Beltran's favorite player is Bernie Williams. It is also noted that Beltran wanted to patrol CF in the Bronx, just like his idol. We even know that Beltran likes honey on his hot dogs. But here's the thing, Bernie is 30 years older than Carlos and tell me this, which numbers belong to who?

12 HR, 59 RBI, .259 & 13 HR, 60 RBI, .263.

One guy makes $11.5 mill and the other $12.3 mill. But one comes off the books this season. Who would you rather have?

"Meet The Mets, Meet The Mets.
Come on out and Greet The Mets."


Time for the "Better Name Game"

The Professional Edition

Tjaart van der Walt or Pork Chop Womack


Hi, I'm Maurice, Welcome to McDonald's

Well the sad saga of Maurice Clarett hit another inevitable snag as the Denver Broncos informed the portly RB that he would be cut when the team is forced to lower its roster size to 65.

Now some might express sadness at Clarett's career taking on yet another major hit, but this is to be expected from a player who always thought he deserved more than he was given. Maurice was a spoiled brat from the time he was a blue chip recruit, and it showed in his playing time at Ohio State. While Clarett was a big part of the OSU National Championship, anyone who watched the game versus Miami saw that Craig Krenzel was the real force on the Ohio offense.

The biggest non-surprise is that Clarett's poor work habits including his refusal to concentrate on special teams were one of the major deciding factors in his dismissal. His injury plagued one season in college was also a red flag because with the extra long NFL season and the increase speed of the NFL Clarett was never cut out for the pros.

Now I won't be shocked when Clarett catches on with another team, NFL coaches love reclamation projects, but unless Maurice puts his ego in check and loses that freshman 15, he'll remain closer to Lawrence Phillips than Eddie George.

In 10 years Clarett's playbook could end up looking like this;

Big Mac: 2 All Beef Patties, lettuce, cheese, pickels, onions, on a seasame seed bun.

- BL

Friday, August 26, 2005

Who Blogs on Friday?

Ok, so people are asking me all these questions like; Where are the posts? Whats up with the Blog? Where are the pithy comments? Where is our breaking sports news?

Well it's Friday, it has been a long week, just deal.

We do this for free people, not for the fame, but for the Kids.

- BL

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Let's Play: Ask Judd Nelson

Q: Are the Yankees done?

A: Not Even Close, Bud!


Yes this IS a Sports Blog, but...

Happy Birthday, Rachel!

Rachel Bilson turns 24 today and you know what, with her it's an, um, endless Summer...


Mock...YEAH! Draft...YEAH!

There are a few rumors running through the TBunts home office and, coincidentally, they all surround CBS sports. See, once you're in the biz (like we are) you start to hear things you shouldn't. You get these weird vibes that send shivers down your spine and the electricity loosens the cartilage in your knees thus weakening your leg strength causing you to crash down in your seat.

Well, one of these such rumors involves Deion Sanders' departure from CBS Sports. It was first reported that Deion wasn't going to get the $1 mill that he wanted, but that is all hullabaloo. Deion left because he did not get invited into The Crown Room. Sounds so seriously official, doesn't it?

The truth is that it IS a serious thing. This is the players club for the real players. The Boomer's, the Marino's, The Simms', the Bonnie Bernstein's all have a home inside of The Crown Room.

If my Deion theories are correct, look for Dick Enberg and Greg Gumble to start some serious shit.

But in all seriousness, I have the #4 or the Phil Simms pick and I must say, that guy has an interesting strategy.

The truth is, I think BB screwed herself with Warrick Dunn-zo as her second RB.


Viva Bonnie

There will never be another Lesley Visser, although we are in the middle of a golden age for halfway attractive sideline female reporters. There is Suzy Kolber, Michele Tafoya, Shelley Smith, Rachel Nichols, but the real bright star in the mildy hot sky is our girl Bonnie Bernstein.

Don't know who she is you say? Couldn't place the face? Well then go check out Bonnie's personal website. The site claims it is the official website of Bernstein, which is helpful so that you can avoid all those thousands of Bonnie imitation sites.

Click on her bio! See her on the sidelines! Watch her do that voodoo that she do so well!

But the real diamond in the rough of the Bonnie Berstein site is her own personal online diary, where you can follow her through her hectic schedule. My favorite part of the diary comes in a November 29th post where she lets us in on her true feelings;

"Sex sells. You know it, I know it"

Preaching to the Choir Bonnie, Preaching to the Choir.

- BL

Is there a TBunts Fan in San Diego?

Ok, just a few posts ago I was railing against the San Diego "Super" Chargers for not giving Antonio Gates the money he justly deserved for being the teams MVP last season. Well obviously the front office of the bolts has TBunts bookmarked on their personal computers because they announced the signing of Gates to a new six year contract, ending what could had been another ugly management vs. player battle.

I was wrong, and I stand corrected.

- BL

Wednesday, August 24, 2005


NCAA Football. Booyakasha!


Happy Birthday, Dave Chappelle

"Oscar, you're a grouch!"

Happy B-Day, Dave. Enjoy Yo'self.

Zip It Up and Zip It Out


Who's behind the Mask?

Is this Adam Sandler?


Sour Grapes in the Bronx

Well give Jon credit people, he waited until August to start the Yankee tears. That poor down on their luck team in the Bronx, it could make you cry if it wasn't so rightly deserved.

- BL


For serious, people!

Listen, I get it. The Red Sox won the series last year. They came back from 3 games down. They won in the stadium and capped off the biggest choke in the yadda, yadda, yadda. And yes, that gives Sox fans the right to wear any and all sox apparellel. BUT, and here is a big BUT, it shouldn't give Joe Boston the opportunity to come into NY and show off.

I was just on the street and saw some dude wearing a powder blue red sox shirt, with the creases still intact. Now this guy (and his crew of flunkies) were clearly tourisrts, as the map was a good indictator. Who does this guy think he is?

A POWDER BLUE RED SOX SHIRT, people. That's like inviting a guest into your home and having them bring a friend that totally leaves a couple of drops of pee on the seat. AARGH! This is totally the guy that goes around talking, like he knows baseball. He'd probably say, "Oh that Jimmy Damon is a wickedly awesome playa."

Now if this guy where wearing the standard navy blue or maybe even a red Sox shirt, I wouldn't have thought twice about it. But what REAL fan over the age of 15 has a pastel colored team shirt? I'm sorry, sir, but where is your fusia Ortiz jersey.

Point is, I hate the Red Sox.

I almost wanted him to ask me for directions:
Him, "Um, sir, how can oi foind central pahk?"
Me, "Hop on the B or the D or the 4 and go to 161st Street, Jabroni!"


Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Get Me Darryl

Doc Gooden is being sought by Police after driving away from an officer who believes he was driving under the influence.

Doc in trouble? No way.

What amazes me most about these instances with Doc and/or Darryl is that when they are being chased by the law, it isn't really shocking. How many people do you think read the headline of Doc being sought after by the fuzz and just shrugged their shoulders or at the very least uttered, "makes sense."

Now, in no way will I sit here and play the, "in my day," game. But are we getting to the point where there is a generation of sports fans who only know Doc from his police blotter as opposed to his hey day on the mound? Sounds crazy, but it's probably true.

But relax sports purists, I have hope that Jacob Dylan of the Wallflowers will write a song clearing Doc's name (similar to his dad and Hurricane). Oh wait, Clapton already wrote one about Doc, it's called Cocaine.



Happy Birthday Julio Franco

Today Julio Franco turns 74. Tomorrow the Braves will try a new scented potpourri to mask the old man smell coming from his locker.


Huggins House for Wayward Youth Closing?

It is almost time to drop the curtain on the Bob Huggins show in Cincinnati, as ESPN is reporting that the Huggins will be forced to either submit his resignation or be fired by the University.

Huggy Bear has always coached under a cloud in my book, as he turned Cincinnati into a halfway house for "problem" athletes. James White was supposed to become the next Michael Jordan under Billy Donovan, but turned into a spoiled baby who ran afoul of the law more often than the amount of blown defensive calls he attibuted. Where did White go when he was kicked off the team? Right into the warm, soft, deli meat, smelling breath of Huggy.

Now while Huggins was a success at Cincy, going to the NCAA Tournament for the past 14 years, it has been the abnormally high level of acceptable risk that is the real undoing for Bob at Cincy. So the day of Huggy is over, take down the Bong Storage Locker sign, clean out the paternity test kits, and call the parole boards, cause the Bear has left the building.

- BL

There's No Crying in T-Ball

I am addicted to the Little League World Series. And it’s not due to any Michael Jackson-like tendencies or any peder-ass qualities I may possess. I think it has something to do with my own Little League experience. You see, one year, when I was eligible, I made the All-Star team for Largo Little League on the west coast of Florida. This turn of events was surprising for one reason really. In previous years, the kids on each team voted for the composition of the team. Sadly, being Jewish, my parents sent me to Solomon Schecther day school and I was only friendly with the players on my team. Hence, I could never garner enough votes. But this one special year, the coaches selected the team and I made it!

But here’s the catch: the coach of the team also selected his son. And lo and behold, what position did he play? Shortstop. The very same position I played with the grace of Ozzie Smith and the cannon of a young Jose Reyes. I don’t think I need to ask you to guess who started for said All-Star team. But, after a first round victory in which I finally got in as a pinch-hitter (producing the most beautiful bunt ever, a bunt that literally stopped on the third base line, and due to a series of errors, left me sitting atop third base), I thought I had earned a chance to start at short in the second round. But, no, Daddy had sonny boy play short again and his two errors had a direct impact on our loss. Man, it was awesome seeing him cry. What a pansy (The two of us never spoke or saw each other again until high school. Ironically, we went to the same magnet program. I was a loser. He dated hot older chicks. I guess I’m still jealous to the day.).

Anyway, I long for that time, a time when I could go outside anytime I wanted and play baseball. I find that when I watch now, I picture myself out there and wonder, what if that kid’s father put me in for his son? Could we have made it to Williamsport? Then, reality sinks in. Probably not. After all, I’m Jewish.

Backwords K
Backwords K is a contributor to the wonderful world of Taylor Bunts

Party Time, Excellent...

University of Wisconsin Madison Voted #1 Party School

Between the Pokey Stix and Jump Around at Camp Randal and BW-3's and Halloween and The Towers and the magical, lasting memory of Rooooooon Dayne; there lies a majestic little university buried deep within Mad-Town, Wisconsin.

From my experiences at "bar time" on State St, I can only say that's it is pure madness. More people then you can count, more alcohol then you can consume, and more of other substances, if that is what you desire.

But let's not let the #1 Party School get ahead of itself. They are also the 34th ranked academic univeristy.

Let's just leave it at; "We work hard, we play hard" and cue up the C & C Music Factory.


San Diego Quacks

The miser's that run the San Diego "Super" Chargers picked up the mantle of management recently in forcing Antonio Gates, probably the best player on the field for the chargers last year, to sign a contract for close to half a million dollars. Nothing to scoff at for sure, but not even close to the money Gates deserved.

Gates will now miss the remaining pre-season games as well as the Chargers first regular season game, because of his reporting late to camp. Gates is another solid example of how NFL management has been flexing their collective muscle lately, kicking sand into the face of the NFL Players Association.

As the Patriots and Eagles rose to prominence, teams around the league noticed the style with which both teams deal with salary and star problems. The basic gist is to not give out big contracts to over thirty stars, hold players to their contracts (even as the team cuts whoever they want to without penalty), and worship the salary cap before all other idols. Two good examples of this attitude were the cutting of Lawyer Mallory less than a week before the Patriots season opener, and the Eagles not resigning Jeremiah Trotter to a big extension (no they let Danny Boom Boom throw millions to watch Trotter underperform).

Already this year we have had the high profile stories of Owens and Gates, big stars in the league who are awaking to the notion that the NFLPA has no real power or influence over their contracts. The NFLPA has been castrated so many times by ownership, whether its the hard salary cap or the fact that no contracts are guaranteed, their is no real Union in the NFL.

So Gates is back, and falling down most fantasy draft boards, but who knows what will become of the seeds of discontent being planted between the Owners and the Union. We have had work stoppages before in the NFL, but not since the iron clad deal that exists today. As the guaranteed money in the NBA and the MLB increases how much more sand can the NFLPA swallow?

- BL

Monday, August 22, 2005

Lets Play: Who Has The Better Name

Time to play the fastest growing game this side of the Mason-Dixon: Tight-End Edition

UCLA's Marcedes Lewis (#19) or Colorado's Joe Klopfenstein (#89)


The Big What Exactly?

Who misses Javy Vazquez?


Week of Fantasy

All eyes are on mock draft boards, yards per carry, and bye weeks as the Fantasy Football season begins to finally come into focus. We here at TBunts are commited to bringing you the best in sarcastic coverage of your fantasy season.

Stay tuned as we examine players position by position, trying to help you the loyal readers get a leg up on the competition.

Here is your first sleeper player to wet your collective appetites; Doug Jolley TE from the NY Jets is one guy I would advise targeting in late rounds. The tight end position always seems to have the most sleepers (Antonio Gates white courtesy phone, Antonio Gates white courtesy phone) and this year could be the time for Jolley, the former Oakland TE, to connect with Chad Pennington. Jolley has great speed at the TE position, and showed some promise in Oakland before injuries cut short his productivity there. Look for Jolley to become a large part of the offense as Curtis Martin slows down a step, and Verne Coles gets double teamed.

Stick around this week, and watch us improve your Fantasy IQ.

- BL

Friday, August 19, 2005

The ESPN Fantasy Matchups

Don't get flustered, this picture is not an accidental reprint. BUT it should jog your memory about the 2005 ESPN mock draft.

In that draft Team Boom Goes The Dynamite (BL) went up against Team Stuart Scott (JG). Each team drafted 12 Anchors for shows such as the 6p & 11p Sportscenter, Baseball Tonight, NFL Primetime, College Gameday, Outside The Lines and one Wild Card Anchor.

Point Spreads are noted.

Let the games begin.


The Wild Card Anchor Match-Up

2005 ESPN Mock Draft
*Point Spread next to the match-up.*

The Wild Wild Wild Card: Team Boom's Tony Kornheiser (-15) vs. Team Scott's Rich Eisen

The OTL Match-up

2005 ESPN Mock Draft
*Point Spread next to the match-up.*

It's shocking that Bob Lee isn't around for this one, but Boom's Tafoya goes head to head with Scott's Jeremy Schaap (-4).

The College Gameday Match-up

2005 ESPN Mock Draft
*Point Spread next to the match-up.*

On the Gameday Stage: Team Stu Scott flaunts Reece Davis & Lee Corso while Team Boom struts out Mike Tirico and Beano Cook (-5)

The Edge NFL Match-up

2005 ESPN Mock Draft
*Point Spread next to the match-up.*
Team Stu Scott's Tom Jackson & Michael Irvin vs. Team Boom's The Boomer & Kiss Me Kolber (-10)

The Baseball Tonight Match-up

2005 ESPN Mock Draft
*Point Spread next to the match-up.*

Team Boom's Karl Ravech & Buster Olney (Gammons Jr.)
Team Scott's Harold Reynolds & Peter Gammons (pick em)

fyi, if you were to google images of Buster Olney, the first hit is a picture of Rebecca Romijn.

The 11p Sportscenter Match-up

2005 ESPN Mock Draft
*Point Spread next to the match-up.*
Team Stu Scott brings Scott Van Pelt & Steve Berthiaume
Team Boom Goes The Dynamite counters with Steve Levy & Kenny Mayne (-4)

The 6pm Sportscenter Match-up

2005 ESPN Mock Draft
*Point Spread next to the match-up.*

Team Boom Goes the Dynamite (BL)pits Linda Cohn & Trey Wingo vs. Team Stu Scott's (JG)Dan Patrick & Mike Greenberg (-3)

Moss is a Joker, a Smoker, a Midnight Toker

Color me bored on the recent story that Randy Moss admitted in a Real Sports with Bryant Gumble interview that he has on occasion smoked pot. Stop the presses people Randy Moss smokes pot; what next Lindsay Lohan admits to admiration for Columbian marching powder? Anyone who is feigning anger at this story obviously doesn't follow the career of Randy Moss, a man who once bumped a highway official with his bumper while a smoldering roach burned in his ashtray.

Ricky Williams smokes pot, Randy Moss smokes pot, thank god that the rest of the NFL is full of choirboys who only take flintstones vitamins and read the bible at night to fall asleep. Only in the NFL could a player go into halftime with a high ankle sprain, and then one cortizone shot later run back out to the field as if his lack of feeling in his left foot is just a normal life process.

So yes Randy smokes pot, so do millions of Americans; it's why The Family Guy is back on the air people. Let's all just take a step back and realize that if Randy needs a little puff to get through Norv Turner's meetings then so what?

Back off, let him be, but if he comes in to practice wearing birkenstocks, listening to Phish, and eating Funyuns then let's all panic. Until then don't mind me as i feh all over this story.

Feh, Feh, and Feh.

- BL

Thursday, August 18, 2005

The Estevez vs. Sheen Debate

(please note the following will appear in next week's Taylor Bunts Gazzette)

Now if you had one chance, one moment, and one opportunity to be part of Hollywood royalty, which of the two shining princes would you be? Emilio or Charlie, Charlie or Emilio. Well, I must say this is a tough one and I would imagine that the best way to figure this out would be to break it down into a few categories with a point awarding the winner. At the end of the time, we will collect your Scan-Trons and tally the votes. My hope with this experiment is to be one step closer to becoming a Sheen…

Sports Movie (or sports movie trilogy)
Rick Vaughn vs. Gordon Bombay
Where Emilio may get the longevity credit here, it really boils down to him being available and willing to play Gordon Bombay in three films. Whereas Rick Vaughn may have been castrated in Major League 2, but Vaughn was still Wild Thing AND he very well could be the reason Mo enters The Stadium to Enter Sandman. I’d say more, but is there really a reason? Circle goes to Sheen.

Best Oeuvre
I’m gonna take two for each side here. Let’s start with Emilio as Two-Bit in The Outsiders and Billy The Kid in Young Guns (and YG2). If there ever was a showing of the range of Emilio this would be it. Greaser Two-Bit vs. Billy The Kid. It sorta seems like one became the other here with both of these Emilio characters, but you can’t argue the fun both of these guys exhibited especially combined with the “Emilio Laugh.” That high pitched guffaw into the pseudo-snort, which plays right into the cockiness of both of these guys. Superb. There is a big however, and that is the Oliver Stone influence on Charlie. Platoon and Wall Street. Platoon, for me, is one of those movies that I’ve seen many times, but can never wrap my head around, making it hard for me to remember it at all. Very weird and there aren’t many flicks that do this to me. Regardless of my black spaces surrounding Platoon (perhaps it’s because I just live by Apocalypse Now), there is no forgetting the charismatic Bud Fox. It always gets me when Bud Fox gets arrested at work and walks through the cubicles crying. WOW, what acting! Circle goes to Sheen (with a tremendous 20 assist night from Oliver Stone).

Women Side Dishes
Let’s not forget two things about Emilio and Charlie. One was part of the Brat Pack and the other LOVED prostitutes. With that said Emilio was nice and cozy with Demi in her prime. (Side tangent: I think Demi Moore has to be considered a Roger Clemens type. Young Phenom, Flamed out from over exposure, Tons of work on their bodies, Back in their prime after 40 – eerily similar.) You know what; I don’t even feel like talking about Charlie and Heidi Fleiss. Square goes to Emilio.

Celeb Wives
Paula Abdul (in her Pop Princess Prime – Side tangent #2: At her absolute Apex, who can we compare Paula to. If Beyonce can be compared to Mariah and early, pre-pregs Brittney is Madonna, who is the present day Paula. Janet Jackson? Christina Milian? Ciara?). Back to the topic: Paula Abdul vs. Denise Richards. Well, my age may dictate this answer, as I grew up on Wild Things. Circle goes to Charlie.

Stupid Spoofs
An actor’s career is not completed until he makes a spoof, right? Well, these brosephs did one each. National Lampoon’s Loaded Weapon 1 and Hot Shots (Hot Shots part deux). Well, Loaded Weapon never did it for me quite like Hot Shots. But my most memorable Hot Shots moment deals with my theater experience. Empty theater except for me and my 2 neighbors (I will leave there names out of this). Anyway, one neighbor piles back the milk duds like a machine, for serious his hand was a shovel. So he starts chewing and laughing and next thing you know, he starts puking everywhere. Like PUKE, PUKE. Me and my other neighbor shriek and run away to the other side of the theater. We spent the next 90 minutes of the moving running from seat to seat because the Puker insisted on seating near us. Circle goes to Charlie and milk duds have never been the same since.

Cheesy Sci Fi
Freejack vs. The Arrival. Let’s put it this way one was the top dog in a film that co-starred Mick Jagger, Rene Russo and Anthony Hopkins. The other starred alongside Meet The Parents’ Teri Polo. So, I mean, why even bother. Emilio is snatched by time travel the second before his race car explodes. How can you honestly compete with that one? Square goes to Emilio.

Parts That Have Transcended The Screen
Andy Clark, Breakfast Club vs. The aforementioned Rick Vaughn. I have already discussed what Vaughn might have done to baseball by entering the game to loud rock music, but I’m bothered seriously by the weak ass Vaugn from Part 2. Andy Clark, and actually Breakfast Club as a whole, has had such a huge impact on my life (and no it wasn’t at all ruined by the ridiculous re-union). I’ll just leave this with one phrase, “I can duct-tape all your buns together.” Square goes to Emilio.

If you’re keeping score at home Charlie has a 4-3 edge. Luckily there is a two pointer up next. (And if you’re still reading, I thank you)
And finally, head to head.
Young Guns – Emilio is clearly the star in this one and we spoke about his cocky laugh, which clearly covers up any (if there are) faults in Emilio’s game. Now, I was way more devastated from the death of Charlie in #1 then I was with Emilio’s “possible” death in #2. But I can’t hate the player. Square goes to Emilio.
Men At Work – I’m just gonna say this. I gonna throw it out there and hope it sticks. The scene in the dinner when the Nam guy is doodling the crazy war picture. Charlie leans in to grab a fry, leading to the famous line, “Never touch another man’s fry.” I don’t know if any other actor could have pulled off what Charlie did in that scene. Circle goes to Charlie. Game. Set. Match.

Notable Charlie Sheen Gems:
moments in which he played the “oh yeah, he was in that movie” role:
Red Dawn, Lucas, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Sheen also had a cameo in National Lampoon’s Loaded Weapon.

Greatest movie that has been forgotten for one reason or the other:
The Wraith. Now, I don’t know how this flick has aged it could either be a great pinot noir or a bottle of vinegar, but at the time I loved it. It could have been the crazy futuristic death car, which we can only assume was created in hell and brought to this planet to wreak havoc on the people that killed Charlie before he became Charlie (you follow?). Anyway, I can’t even recall what the chick in this movie looked like, but I do remember Clint Howard and Randy Quaid. Quiad played the sheriff is this town and my lone memory is of him cutting paper people and then decapitating them as Clint Howard recoiled in horror. Till this day, I can’t understand why Clint had dirt on his face for the whole movie. A part of me really wanted to be Charlie during this flick and in retrospect, this is definitely the NUMBER 1 reason why I would rather be Charlie instead of Emilio. The Wraith, 1986. Here is the tagline: Jake is killed by neighborhood thugs, and returns as a mystical figure (The Wraith) to gain revenge. Somewhere, there is a Jake in all of us and even deeper, there is a Charlie in that Jake inside of us.

And I haven’t even talked about Spin City or Money Talks or Navy SEALs. Gosh I wanna be Charlie. (*Note: I purposely left out The Chase b/c seriously, that sex scene in the car, come on now.)


High Holidays

Ok, this isn't a sport story per se, but it concerns two of my favorite topics; pot and temple. Yes it seems the best place for jews to get their party on is in the small town of Briarcliff Manor where the local Rabbi was busted for possesion of 25 grams of the wacky tabacy. I have contacted a friend who attends this temple of the dog, and she expressed shock and dismay, but said that these actions explain why the Rabbi ate half the challah at last years break-fast.

- BL

Soul to Squeeze

In a lucky chain of events, New York Yankee pool photographers catch the last remaining drops of Arod's soul trying to escape their highlighted prison.

- BL