Forget the curve ball. Give 'em the heater!

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Free Dan Snyder

Anyone who has been keeping up with the labor talks surrounding the collective bargaining agreement in the NFL knows by now just who is to blame; Dan Snyder.

Read any column or article and they always come to the same conclusion. "The Dan Snyder's of the world will be the ones to benefit the most if a CBA isn't reached". Wait, you are telling me there is more than one 5'3 billionaire owner in the NFL? Where are all these Snyders?

There are only 32 NFL Owners, so there could only be 32 possible Snyders right? The work of lazy columnists to cast blame on Snyder for doing nothing wrong except supporting his team is a tad bit amateur.

Someone needs to tell Peter King, Dr. Z, Len Pasquaralli, John Clayton, Skip Bayless, Bill Plashke, Mitch Albom, and anyone who sadly must write for the Sporting News, that they need a new whipping boy.

I mean who could really hate this man? Look at him, all 120 pounds of him, I just wanna stick Danny in my front pocket and go fishing. Sure he milks every last dime out of the Redskins, but he puts it back into the team. What fan wouldn't want Snyder to own their team? Think the fan's who suffer through the Bill Bidwell's and the Tom Benson's wouldn't want Danny "Boom-Boom" Snyder blasting into their city?

Dan Snyder is a kid who grew up idolizing the Washington Redskins and now he owns them. Forgive him for wanting to win at all costs whether to him or the team.

As a Redskin fan I am no stranger to a diva owner. Jack Kent Cooke spent the last few years of his life partying with his Colombian wife, and all he brought in was 3 Super Bowl titles.

Let Danny be Danny, and someone tell Peter King that I would rather read a 4,000 word article on his favortie type of expresso than to hear another hack drag my good buddy Dan Snyder's name through the mud.

They can try to take Danny's life, but they'll never take his Freedom!!!

- BL

I Heard

He threw at his son in a father/son game.


Monday, February 27, 2006

Section 112

The Wonderlic Test, or how Vince Young Got Out Of College

1. Look at the row of numbers below. What number should come next?
8 4 2 1 ½ ¼ ?

2. Assume the first two statements are true. Is the final one:
1. true, 2. false, 3. not certain?
The boy plays baseball. All baseball players wear hats. The boy wears a hat.

3. Paper sells for 21 cents per pad. What will four pads cost?

4. How many of the five pairs of items listed below are exact duplicates?
Nieman, K.M. Neiman, K.M.
Thomas, G.K. Thomas, C.K.
Hoff, J.P. Hoff, J.P.
Pino, L.R. Pina, L.R.
Warner, T.S. Wanner, T.S.

5. RESENT RESERVE • Do these words
1. have similar meanings, 2. have contradictory meanings, 3. mean neither the same nor opposite?

6. A train travels 20 feet in 1/5 second. At this same speed, how many feet will it travel in three seconds?

7. When rope is selling at $.10 a foot, how many feet can you buy for sixty cents?

8. The ninth month of the year is
1. October, 2. January, 3. June, 4. September, 5 May.

9. Which number in the following group of numbers represents the smallest amount?
7 .8 31 .33 2

1. 1/8
2. true
3. 84 cents
4. 1
5. 3
6. 300 feet
7. 6 feet
8. September
9. .33

Assume the first two statements are true. Is the final one:
1. true, 2. false, 3. not certain?
Scoring below a 14 is the equivalent of being a moron. Vince Young scored a 6. Vince Young is a moron.

A breakdown of the scoring looks like this:
50= highest possible score, superior intelligence
21= average intelligence
14= equivalent to unskilled worker
Below 14= moron

Based on the number you answered correctly within the time limit on the sample WPT, you could project your score on the 50-item test like this:
9 correct= 50 4 correct= 22
8 correct= 44 3 correct= 17
7 correct= 39 2 correct= 11
6 correct= 33 1 correct= 6
5 correct= 28 0 correct= 0

(questions and answers)
(other stuff)
(bonus question)


Fernando Vargas is Quasimodo

Walt Disney Pictures is proud to announce Fernando Vargas will take on the monumental role of The Hunchback of Notre Dame.

Look for a mid-summer release

- BL

Saturday, February 25, 2006

Readers Make the World Go Round

So it seems we have been getting a bit of flack from the Pro-Sasha contingent. They seem to be on the right of the Clay Aiken Fans (The Claymates) and the left of the Jimmy Buffet Fans (The Parrotheads). Yeah so we predicted Sasha's fall, so we said she would one day enter the seedy underbelly of society known as the world of porno. Who knew people would get this upset.

We were sent this link.

It's a message board discussion on, The Hottest Fansite for all your Sasha needs. Wanna know how many times Sasha binged and purged before a match, we got the info on

So yes we finally have another example of how when young girls and gay men work together they can create a space healthy enough to get out all that Sasha rage. I for one will put myself up as a mentor to anyone dealing in Sasha Cohen grief and anger.

If we work together we can accomplish anything, like say who's up for kicking the asses of some Kwan fans, huh?

- BL

Friday, February 24, 2006

Talladega Nights!!!

Restrictor Plate - Check

Flame Retardent Suits - Check

PBRs in the Cooler - Triple Check

Will Ferrell starring in the long awaiting Nascar Flick - COME ON EVERYBODY, SEE HOW GOOD I LOOK!!!!

Talladega Nights


Sasha is the New Kwan

To think we only had to wait 4 years for last night. A quick retrospective in pictures.

Sasha's future is so bright she better wear shades with Smuckers on them.

- BL

Thursday, February 23, 2006

You Say Tomato...

I say laying the bone to LOHAN or maybe just some warm petting. Either way, well done Tomato.

Super for serious, do you think Carrot Top is scared that he's losing his niche?

In a related incident... the Young Tomato was in race and he fell behind. What did his dad say to him? Ketchup!

Did I do it? Are you sides split? Anywho, bonus points for naming the movie.


Triple AXXXle

Sports Illustrated
Febuary 23, 2016

Sasha Cohen, disgraced American Figure Skater is back in the news, and she took some time out of her busy press schedule to sit down with our own Taylor Bunts.

Taylor Bunts: Sasha, first of all thanks for your time, If I can I would like for you to go back with me 10 years to Turin and your long program.

Sasha Cohen: Let's just say if I could do it all over again I would not have thrown my skate into the crowd.

TB: People said you were drunk that night?

SC: People can say what they want, I know who I am (lights cigarette).

TB: You yourself have made some news with your recent turn as an actress.

SC: The movie is called Triple Axxxle Orgy, it's with Vivid pictures and I could not be more happy about how it turned out. I think people are going to see a new side of Sasha.

TB: And you star with your husband in this film correct?

SC: Yes, Ronnie was kind enough to make a cameo during the hot wax scene.

TB: Any worry about how this could effect your twin boys?

SC: Well Ronnie and I have talked it all out with the Ron Artest Jr, and Ron Artest III. They know Momma knows best.

TB: You also recently appeared in a Iraqi TV Reality Show called Battle of the American Devils, how was that?

SC: Until you know the feeling of pushing Bruce Jenner's face into a banana cream pie you haven't lived.

TB: Sasha do you ever regret your Olympic Experience?

SC: You know something, (Hits a Meth Pipe) My life isn't all fun and games, but I wouldn't change it for the world.

TB: The World?

SC: Or like a thousand bucks.

Sasha Cohen can be seen this month on Cinemax Late Night, and will be making an appearance to promote her new career at the Paramus Mall.

- BL

UPDATE - The Sasha Fans voice their feelings, and we strike back. We here at Taylor Bunts will not be intimidated by any fan base, unless we're talking about G-Unit. Lloyd Banks is my dog.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006


I've always wondered if professional athletes pay attention to fantasy stats and/or us maniacs who live and die by every single pitch thrown. And I actually once asked a fellow TBunter to which his response was, I doubt Sammy Sosa gives a little rabbit foo-foo about you scrawny SOB.

BUT... (and it's a big but)... Carl Crawford weighs in on the matter.

"Let it be known: I want to be the No. 1-ranked fantasy player out there."
-- Carl Crawford, 2/19/06

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Mr. Gowdy

Curt Gowdy, Hall of Fame Broadcaster, has passed away.

We here at TBunts would like to send our heartfelt thanks to the Gowdy family for all of the memories Curt created and was apart of.

Oh and btw, Curt's best performance was in Freddie Price's satirical look at Cape Cod Baseball, Summer Catch.

- BL

Friday, February 17, 2006

Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary

The following is an open letter of love to my Olympic dream girl, Mary Carillo.

Dear Mary,

How can I put into words the feelings that run through me when you're on my TV screen. Whether its a cover story on a female curler, or a cover story on a female ski jumper, or even a cover story on a female snowboarder, it's your face that I see.

How I want to be swept up in your arms, my face brushing up against your expensive italian pantsuit. I could stay in your grasp for hours listening to you describe Mary Pierce's backhand or how important Title IX has been for college sports. We could laugh for hours about Jennifer Capriati or how Frank Deford smells like chicken salad.

I could rest in your lap as your read to me from the book you wrote with Martina Navratilova, Tennis My Way. Mary how safe I feel in your arms. We could play women's rugby or buy some Birkenstocks.

Imagine the reaction from the Paparazzi when you and I show up arm and arm to a WNBA game? The Miami Sol's fan base will be buzzing when we walk into the arena. We will be on the cover of US, In Touch, and the Village Voice. Think of us, Ben and Mary, we could even have a cool Celeb-nickname like "BM".

All I am asking for is one shot, one chance, to prove to you Mary, that I am the missing piece you have been searching for all your life. Invite Martina over, let's get wasted and watch the Virgina Slims.

I love to watch.

- BL

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Death of the Playboy Bunny

Between banging female groupies two at a time, and watching his favorite NASCAR event, Johnny Weir fits in some time to work the camera.

- BL

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Foreign Born Players and Their Wife's Domestic Implants

I think that a Jose Lima post might be the perverbial "shooting fish in a barrel" topic. I mean the man has given the world of sports so much; From Lima Time and his Houston crying, to his blonde locks in LA, and of course his 8.50 ERA in Kansas City. How can you not throw together a Lima post in about 8 seconds.

The answer is right next to Jose in the above picture; Mrs. Jose Lima. Grrrrr, Hello Nurse!!! See kids you don't even need to have a complete grasp of the english language to get a hot wife, just a mid 80s fastball. Oh yeah the Jose news, The Mets signed him to a minor league deal, yadda yadda yadda, but check out the bazooms on the wife huh?

Looks like Don Zimmer and Matt Hasslebeck fighting underneath a tight sheet.

- BL

Endurance Predator!!!!

Move closer to the screen, I have a story for you. A buddy of mine, BIG HUNTER (no Cheney jokes here), hunts with this guy, Willy. Willy claims to be an Endurance Predator. Basically, Willy says he can run down a deer and kill it, not with weapons but with his bare hands. It's truly a beautiful sight.

Long story short, my buddy meets up with this guy... he takes him out for the day... Supposedly catches a blue jay with his BARE HANDS. The next thing my buddy remembers is waking up the next morning on the road with deer semen on his face.

Here is Willy's story.


Thursday, February 09, 2006

You Idiot!

Larry's In Charge

What happens when a Hall of Fame Coach becomes the live-in Nanny for an upper-middle class family living in White Plains, NY? The Fox network is proud to present, from the people who brought you Man vs. Beast and Cops comes the new family sitcom that breaks all the rules.

This fall, Larry's In Charge.

New coach in the neighborhood
Lives downstairs and is misunderstand

He’s there just to take good care of me,
Like he’s one of the family.

Larry's in Charge
Of our plays and our fights

Larry's in Charge
Of our points and our sites

Starring Larry Brown as Larry, with Stephon Marbury, Eddy Curry, Channing Frye, and David Lee as the rag tag group of kids put under Larry's care. Featuring Isiah Thomas as the head of the family, Mr. Brocktune, and Willie Aames as Buddy, Larry's best friend.

See Larry deal with the complexities of dating, drug use, and growing up in today's world. This Fall, there's a new sheriff in town. Larry's In Charge, Only on Fox.

And I sing, I want,
I want Larry in Charge of me.

Larry's in Charge
Of our plays and our fights

Larry's in Charge
Of our points and our sites

And I sing, I want,
I want Larry in Charge of me.

- JG & BL

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

A fella can dream...

What would happen if the NCAA had a football playoff?

Well, the good ole boys of went the distance.

The Brackets

Who wins, you ask? A real shocker!



Starbury's confused. He doesn't get why Larry Brown would say that wins and losses don't matter at this point.

Maybe Larry can shine some light on this situation.

"He only went to Georgia Tech for a year," Brown said of Marbury, "and that's an engineering school."

Did Larry spill some ACC hatorade?

Super For Serious Folks, when this whole thing ends. I think they should get an apartment together.


Tuesday, February 07, 2006

The Buck Stops Somewhere Over There

Coach Mike Holmgren is one standup guy, isn't he folks? He leads his NFC Champions Seattle Seahawks into the Super Bowl, and sure he made some mistakes, but hey we are all human. We make mistakes. I am sure Mike will place blame exactly where its supposed to go. Facing a crowd of about 15,000 Seahawk fans Holmgren let them all know where the buck stops.

"We knew it was going to be tough going up against the Pittsburgh Steelers," Holmgren said. "I didn't know we were going to have to play the guys in the striped shirts as well."

Ok, not what I expected, I mean sure the Darrel Jackson PI call was tough, and Big Ben never crossed the goal line, but still can we blame the refs for everything?

Did the Refs throw a game killing interception? Did the Refs miss any tackles during Willie Parker's 75 yard run? Did the Refs completely blow protection on a gadget play that has been run by the Steelers in every game since November? Did the Refs cause Jerremy Stevens's hand to be made of tissue paper? (New Rule, putting 2 Rs in a name like Jeremy should disqualify anyone from being a parent)

Yes the Steelers did benefit from some key calls, but to hear a former Super Bowl winning coach be so oblivious to his own mistakes seems to be in of itself a mistake. Let's all relax people, it is still Seattle after all, two shots of expresso and this is all just a bad memory.

- BL

Nice Mangos!

Pedro and his trophies!

-Joe Cool

Monday, February 06, 2006

The Anti-Brady

One of these things is not like the other:

13 Vince Carter, NJN - 24.2
14 Chris Bosh, TOR - 22.9
15 J. Richardson, GS - 22.8
16 B.Roethlisberger, PITT - 22.6
17 R. Hamilton, DET - 22.0
18 Kevin Garnett, MIN - 21.9
1p Rashard Lewis, SEA - 21.7

(Hint: One of them is the Super Bowl winning QB and his rating.)


Do I Amuse You?

Taylor Bunts rule #58:
Don't try and be cute and ask anything of Joe Pesci, EVER!!!

Go get your shinebox!

-Agent Johnson (not related)

Hate It or Love It

Apparently The Game isn't just Hip Hop's MVP, he's also a baller on the hard wood.

"I'm a playground legend in California," The Game says. "Do the research."

He even goes as far as giving his stat line in High School. "I averaged 14.9 points a game, 6 rebounds and 4 assists," he says. "Not bad for a man who also gangbanged and sold drugs full time, right?"

I'd say that should garner some attention as a rare quintuple double, right? I mean, it IS The Game, let's give him the benefit of the doubt as I'm scared of him.


Tom Brady's True Thoughts; Revealed

"Ok keys, check. Wallet, check. Cellphone, check. Pocketsquare, check. Are we ready for this thing people? Think these guys can smell the hookers from here? It aint easy being me, we ready yet?

A friggin coin flip, what a joke. I got more star power in my thumb. Ok look for the cameras, look for them, now smile. Does Matt Hasslebeck know how bad he looks? Guy needs a friend of dorothy stylist. Ok baby, who's the man?'

Sometimes I wish I could fade away like Drew did, is that Jessica Alba? Ok this side is heads, this side is tails, good to go. These guys look more like the cast of Oz more than GQ, someone's gettin more endorsement money, HOLLA! It's all about those 5 layers of Visa protection. Is there a cheerleader I couldn't bang if I wanted to?

Ok here comes my big moment, flip it like I did Bridget. Flashes, smile, smile, and wave. Wonder if I have enough time to go bang some models on a pile of flaming cash? Who loves you people, and who do you love?"

- BL

Friday, February 03, 2006

Lingerie Vs. XL, Which One is Really Super?

Now look, far be it for me to compare an amazing display of athletic prowess between two teams who deserve to be there with the Steelers vs. the Seahawks, but I am going to try. No offense to the fair cities of Pittsburgh and Seattle, but the rest of the country really isn't all that excited for this game. This might be the first year that the Lingerie Bowl could have more buzz around it then the actual game. A quick comparison reveals just how close these two American institutions have become.

Super Bowl Vs. Lingerie Bowl

Team Names - Steelers, Seahawks / Team Names - Euphoria, Desire

What is better, looking at the Seahawk mascot or the mascot for Desire? Advantage Lingerie.

Play by Play - Al Michaels / Play by Play - Mike Goldberg

One of these guys is a Hall of Fame announcer and the other calls the action for the UFC. Can Goldberg translate sweaty men rolling around together to sweaty women rolling around together? Advantage Super.

Commish - Paul Tagliabue / Commish -"The Fridge" William Perry

One of these guys has a Super Bowl ring, a rushing touchdown, and a verse in the Super Bowl Shuffle. The other has a MBA, makes around five million a year, and has all of his teeth. Advantage Super.

Color Commentator - John Madden / Color Commentator - Jenny McCarthy

There will be no Turducken at the Super Bowl which is a detrement to John Madden, and Jenny in a recent Howard Stern interview was revealed to have had long term "relations" with Jenna Jameson. Advantage Lingerie.

Marquee Stars - Jerome Bettis, Matt Hasslebeck / Marquee Stars - Cindy Margolis

So Jerome Bettis is from Detroit, and Matt's sister-in-law is the reasonably hot chick on the view. Cindy Margolis is the most downloaded women on the internet. A made up superlative that convoluted just doesn't grow on trees people. Then again Margolis probably won't be doing any Chunky Soup commercials no matter the outcome, so Advantage Super.

Well that's it, that's the list, I hope all of you enjoy the game whichever one you choose to watch. I myself don't want to influence picks or choices, but I got the game 24-20 Steelers/Euphoria.

- BL

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Every Where You Look (there's a heart)...

"Stephanie, we want you to come in here and have a seat."

"How rude?!"

"Hunka, Hunka, sit down Stef."

"OK, Uncle Jesse. Wait... WHY ARE THERE TWO MICHELLE'S?!?!?!!?"

Add a fake Bullwinkle impersonation and this HAD to be what the Jodie Sweetin, Meth intervention was like.

Super for serious folks, when she saw TWO Michelles, she totally must have thought she was still on the sweet, sweet Meth.


He's A Big Dumb Animal, Isn't He Folks?

Year 2 of the Urban Meyer experience has already exceeded the hype of year 1, and its not even august yet. The Gators according to many reports have the top recruiting class in the country, highlighted by the signings of QB Tim Tebow and WR Percy Harvin.

Tim Tebow is my new favorite gator, a kid who was homeschooled his entire life so that he could join his family on missions to remote asian locations. He is according to friends I have in Gainesville, amazing, strong, tough, and dumb. So I did a little research and found out that his high school GPA was 3.5.....oh and his SAT was 890. 890 is nothing to be ashamed about people, its a lot more than 790.

On PTI last night (The best show on TV BTW) they were asked the chances of Urban Meyer winning a national title in Gainesville. Mr. Tony put it at a high 75% while Wilbon was more of a hack putting the number at 5%. I think that the number is closer to 50% with Urban needing some breaks to make it happen.

The reasoning is the Gators schedule; Depending on the year, the Gators could be At LSU, At Tennessee, and At FSU. Oh and don't forget the largest outdoor cocktail party, but then again its Georgia. If the Gators were in the PAC 10, I would say the Gators could be in the Rose Bowl by this year, but the road through the SEC is never easy.

Florida is only 10 years removed from its last (and first and only) National Title, could that big dummy Tebow lead us to the promised land? Well I wouldn't let Tebow near an open flame, but I think he might be the final piece to the ultimate Urban Warfare.

- BL

Ten-Hut, Recruits

Signing day has come and gone. The moment of grown men salivating over athletic boys has come to an end (until the NFL Draft Combine). There were surprising moments as well as expected moments, man I haven't been this excited since this time last season.

Well, who was the big winner? Let's just say everyone else is Gator Bait.

Ranking the Recruiting Classes


Wednesday, February 01, 2006

My Super Bowl XL With Eric Dickerson

How much would you pay to have a perfect stranger over to watch the Super Bowl? Now what if I said that the stranger would become your defacto slave, incharge of refilling the food and beer. Not convinced? Well what if I told you the stranger was Hall of Fame Running Back and butcher of the English Language Eric Dickerson?

That's right, Mr. Personality Eric Dickerson could become your slave for this sunday, all you have to do is secure the top bid. The highest bid right now on Ebay for Eric's services is $4,450. Mark Gastineau is available as well for a snickers bar and a case of Mike's Hard Lemonade.

According to the auction, Miller Lite and ED have teamed up in order to give some lucky fan (all money does go to charity) a chance to have Eric become your personal slave. I can only imagine a group of fratty white guys forcing ED to clean up their game of Beirut, or making him run out for a box of Malomars.

Are there any limitations to this auction? What won't ED do? Can I dress him up? What about making him call me a cool name like chief or bossman? Can I force him to not talk?

Now before everyone races over to place a bid there are some restrictions to the auction.

"To qualify the winning bidder must live within the continental United States and be located within two hours of an airport so we can make sure Dickerson gets there before kickoff."

Take that Idaho and rural Montana, looks like ED won't service your country asses. Might as well wait for the Mark Chmura babysits your teenagers auction.

So enjoy the Super Bowl this sunday, but take solace in the fact that somewhere in the continental United States Eric Dickerson is somebody's bitch.

- BL

Readin is Fun Da Mental

Far be it for me to ridicule a man who has made close to 100 million dollars before the age of twenty five, but then there is this article about Lebron James not being able to read the last line of a Dr. Seuss book to a class full of children.

This wasn't War & Peace or David Copperfield, but the challenging "Oh the Places You'll Go", a book who's recommended reading age is between 2-102. The line that got BronBron in trouble you ask?

"Be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea, you're off to Great Places!"

See kids, if you are a professional athlete reading is totally optional. Hell Lebron doesn't even cut his own steak, true story. Who needs to read, its the NBA people, all you need to be able to do is keep it real.

So put down that copy of Where the Wild Things Are, and stop with all that multiplication, and get outside and run some wind sprints. If Lebron has taught these school children anything, its that just because you have money doesn't mean you need to be able to pronounce words like "Buxbaum", you can hire someone for that.

- BL