Joke O'The Day

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $250,000 and your
mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $250,000 mortgage and no bike!"

-JG

How I Didn't Get Into College

Planes, Trains and Plantains.

Let's just leave it at this. This was my college essay. I didn't get in.

-JG

Rest In 'Pep

Well Sportsfans, let's give a hearty, warm Adda-boy and a fond farewell to Daunte Culpepper.

'Pep has had one of the more memorable seasons EVER. Yes, ever. You can quote me on that. How many players can single handedly ruin a fantasy team and then when it's at it's worst - he tears up his knee and is done for the year?

Look at it this way... You can now drop him in ALL Fantasy leagues.

-JG

And The Twins!

Who are these ladies? Where did they come from? Are there more from where they're from?

Well, here's some info on the Coors Light Twins...

Their names are Diane and Elaine. They've been entertainers since 13. And they're Polish... And they're TWINS!

-JG

Set Phasers on Fabulous

Well it seems that Sheryl Swoops has set off a coming out party as now it has finally been confirmed that George Takai, Commander Sulu on the original Star Trek is gay and has been in a relationship with the same man for 18 years.

While I am a fan of the Star Trek series, I lost the pool by thinking Chekov was the one slippin the Tribble into dark spaces. How long until Mike Piazza finally introduces us to Sammy Champion and their adopted Ethiopian child Lance Todd Champion-Piazza.

- BL

Why is 6 afraid of 7? Cause 7, 8, 9!!!!

(*Editors Note - The site is experiencing temporary picture loading issues... So if you will, please image this. A streaker being tackled mid-field by Security. Imagine the hit that put Lucas in the hospital but instead of Corey Haim, it's a half naked dude.)

Yes, people, Taylor Bunts is still alive and kicking. Let's just say this past week was a transitional week in which we transitioned into a perpetual state of blogging purgatory. Yes or no. Yay or Nay. (I think I've gone cross eyed).

Anyway, the picks are in and after a week in which both Team JG and Team BL went 9-5, it looks like the ballers are ballin', the players are playin', the hustlers are hustlin', the smokers are smokin'.... (yawn). Ok, enough of that nonsense. Onto the picks and as alway HOME team in CAPS and differing games are in BOLD and itallics.

______________________

COWBOYS -9.5 Zona
Large spread, I know, but 2 straight mediocre Parcells games and I just feel a Boys Defensive showing. With the big game in the division, the Boys better be ready roll or they're just fakers to begin with. Cowboys for this guy. -JG

Dennis Green continues to drag his coaching reputation down working for the Bidwells and the worst franchise in the NFL. I was one of the people who thought Green would turn things around resulting in the first Inside the NFL broadcast from Tempe. I was wrong. Cowboys are the pick. -BL

CINCI -9.5 Pack
No starting RB, check. No backup RB, check. Some dude named Tony Fisher, aka, fantasy football's buzz index player of the week, check. But good ole #4 is still in the pocket and loves the points. Guess what, so do I. The Pack! -JG

Did anyone get the number of that bus last sunday? The bus that ripped through the Cincy defense like wet toilet paper. One of the worst seasons for Brett Favre got worse as Ahman Green, injured and out for the season, has been replaced by Tony Fisher. Bettis is one thing, but if Cincy can't stop this scrub than Marvin needs to rattle the Ds cage. I like Cincy. -BL

TITANS -1.5 Oak
For starters, I could use one of those vintage McNair performances for the good old Jonny Mexico team. BUT, Lamont was a man possessed last week and I see that happening again. The RAAAAAAIDDAHS! -JG

So wait Lamont Jordan runs for over 100 yards and Oak town wins. Can it happen again? The Titans can't stop anyone on defense, and their best offensive player is sitting on the sidelines. Maybe the worst game of the week. I got the Raiders. -BL

NYG -2.5 Wash
Remember the days of Phil Simms vs. Mark Rypien. Mark Bavarro running through defenders. LT patroling the field. Rodney Hampton and Ernest Byner controlling the tempo. Gary Clark stretching the field. Well, this week we have Eli and Brunell. Shockey and Lavarr. Tiki and Clinton and Santana. Times have changed, but not really. I'll take the G-MEN and a pound your chest game from Shockey. -JG

Now this is what a Joe Gibbs NFC East game is supposed to look like. Two historical franchises fighting in out for possesion of first place. Now Eli looked great during the Bronco game (a team the Skins lost to in Denver) and their offense is looking good, but its their D that I would be worried about. The secondary couldn't stop Kate Moss forget about Santana. The Redskins of the last three weeks are a different team from the first three, and this game will set a benchmark for the rest of the season. Look for LeVar Arrington to create a key turnover late in the game setting up Nick Novak for a Redskins game winning field goal. The pick is the Redskins people. -BL

HOU -2.5 Cleveland
Welcome to the win column Houston! No Braylon=No Browns win, it's that simple. Texans. -JG

Ok I take back my Titans/Raiders comment, because this is the worst game of the week. Its Trent Dilfer vs. David Carr. Watch the ball fly out of bounds. Watch Carr bobble the snap. See Dilfer do that thing where he points to the sky. David Carr only threw for 9 times last week against Indy, look for him to air it out more against the soft Browns D. I got the Texans. -BL

DET -3.5 Bears
Politically Incorrect comment #1, isn't it hard for Jeff Garcia to through a spiral with his soft wrist? Ok, ok, ok, ok... that was wrong and I'm done. But the Bears aren't. LOVE the points and LOVE that Joker. DeBears. -JG

Jeff Garcia is the new savior of Detroit. Forget about Scott Mitchell, Charlie Batch, or Joey Harrington, its a 5'9 canadian star's time to shine. Sadly this week Garcia is being force fed to the Bears front seven. Look for a low scoring affair with the Bears once again running the ball effectively while Steve Mariucci (one of my all time favs) begins his slow burn out of the motor city. Bears baby. -BL

CAR -8.5 Vikes
The Panthros have played down to their opponents this season time and time again. But to play down to level of the Vikes, you'd need to rent out the Bunny Ranch. Pass some of those sweet Peppers! Panthers. -JG

The only way things could get worse for Minnesota is if those party boats had crashed on a remote pacific island where Corey Chavous and Nate Burleson would fight over the laws of life, destiny, and reality. Mike Tice could be Hurley. I got the Panthers. -BL

ST LOU +3.5 Jax
Stop the presses, I am taking the Jags for the first time this year. Watch Jamie Martin tear the D a new one. But seriously, don't Jamie, don't. -JG

St. Louis is a home dog this week, and for good reason. Bulger is out, and their defense is a classic Rams combination of arm tackles and blown coverages. Jaxsonville, one of my AFC sleepers, has a great defense and an ever improving offense. Good teams in the NFL need to win road games against inferior talent. Its a Del Rio party this week in the gateway city. I got the Jags. -BL

NO -2.5 Miami
Is the Baton Rouge reunion bigger to Saban or the Saints. I'm going with Nick Saban and the Dolphins. -JG

The homecoming of Nick Saban to Baton Rouge (literally means the red baton, those cooky french) the site where he won his National Title as the coach of LSU. New Orleans meanwhile after getting blown by Katrina, is a team that seems to have totally given up. Not that I blame them, but Saban knows this area of the country and should be able to handle the Aaron Brooks experience. Snowflake and the Dolphins win. -BL

SD -6.5 Chiefs
Hey BL, remember the days when Tony Gonzalez was a legit TE in the NFL? Nah, I don't either. BUT where there is a Priest, there is a way and you can can't on Mass this Sunday in splendidly sunny San Diego. KC and I wouldn't mind LT getting 7 yards again. -JG

Marty ball was a way of life in Kansas City during the early 90s, and though they never won the big games the relationship between Marty and Derrick Thomas was worth the price of admission. Every year since Marty left we are sold a bill of good showing how this is the year the Chiefs turn their D around. Patrick Sutain was this years quick fix, and while showing some flashes of his old self the rest of the D looks lost. LT is the best back in football, and the Chiefs have no answer for him. Bolts baby. -BL

DEN -3.5 Philly
The Denver and Philly games from last week proved one thing. It's hard to beat good teams at home. That trend should continue in this one. Go Broncos and Go America. -JG

If you listen closely you can almost hear the NFL pundits jumping off the Eagles bandwagon. They don't run the ball enough. McNabb is too injured to really be effective. Their run D has been suspect. All those Andy Reid fans seem to be running for cover. If this game was in Philly I would be tempted to pick the Eagles, but in the thin air of mile high they shouldn't win. Tatum Bell for one hundred please. Denver. -BL

SAN FRAN +11.5 Bucs
So the Alex Smith adventure wasn't so grand, but the Ken Dorsey moments will be plentiful. Bucs win, but not by 11.5. 49ers and the points. -JG

The Redskins scored 52 points last week against this 49er team. Bucs it is. -BL

NE -9.5 Buff
Strange game for me to pick. But I refuse to go against the Pats, especially with 2 weeks to prepare for this one. Tom Brady on Sunday Night with Suzy Kolber staring at him and licking her chops. Wow, chills. The Pats. -JG

Teddy Brusci returns this week, and just in time as the wheels seem to be coming off this New England team. If Corey Dillon can turn it around in the second half of the season then the Pats could be deadly again. Look for a big Pat win leading into NFL Armageddon next week against the Colts in Foxboro. -BL

PITT -9.5 Baltimore
Very simple: No Ed Reed, No Ray Lewis, and Jamal dancing like a ballerina. I'll take the Steel Curtain and Sgt. Slaughter. -JG

Ray Lewis isn't playing and he's a former NFL defensive player of the year. Ed Reed isn't playing and he's a former NFL defensive player of the year. The only good news for Balt is that Kyle Boller isn't playing. This should be an easy win for the Steelers as millions of fantasy players begin making their Jamal Lewis voodoo dolls. Damn you Jamal. Steelers are the pick. -BL

______________________

Season Standings:
JG 54-47
BL 43-59

-TaylorBunts

Nice Putt, Nancy

Remember Jean Van de Velde? Yup, he's the golfer that pulled one of the biggest chokes in the history of sports. I say biggest choke because the man stood on the 18th tee and needed a 6 to win the '99 British Open. A 6! Now me and my 13 handicap would be able to get a 6 on that hole. I seriously believe that.

Anyway, long story short he didn't get a 6 and he didn't win the British Open and in fact, the only time you hear his name said is when you are holding a lead on someone, going to the 18th and drop the "OK, Van de Velde, show me where it's at" line.

So what's Jean doing these days? Oh you know, applying to the WOMEN's tour to play in their British Open. I mean, c'mon buddy.

What, did getting called Nancy to many times actually hurt you that much?

-JG

My Kind of Town Chicago

So I start a new job and wouldn't you know it, some very big sports stories begin to come out. We start first with the World Series Champs, the Chicago White Sox, a team that really bothers me. Its not the team on the field that I have a problem with, they had the classic combination of big time starting pitchers and a enigma in Bobby Jenks who like K-Rod for the Angels was the big time arm no one had any idea about.

They had Ozzie Guillen, probably the most liked person in baseball since Cal retired, and of course they had that rabid Cubs fan base backing them all the way. I mean there really is no such thing as a real White Sox fan. Chicago is a Cubs town through and through, and the fake torture of not winning since 1917 rang even more hollow following the Sox vindication last year. They kept on showing some bar during the game "full of crazed White Sox fans" who seemed to only be reacting to the red light on the camera and not the game.

I feel bad for Biggio and Bagwell, two guys who deserved the right to bring a Championship back to Houston. This was easily their last chance at the big dance, with the prospect of not having the same arms carrying them next year. Brad Lidge seems more like Octavio Dotel than Mariano Rivera.

What else is happening people...Well Sheryl Swoops is gay. Shocker. The only thing I enjoyed about her coming out was how it got more press than the WNBA playoffs ever get. ESPN loves Lesbians....Redskins vs Giants this week is probably the biggest division game of the week. Eli looks like the real deal, but so does Levar right now. BTW go read Peter King's MMQB at CNNSI if you are into Eli news. Tiki calls him Elisha, wow that Peter King gets the big scoops....NHL is back, did I mention the WNBA has a lesbian in it?...Costas Now on HBO is the new hottness....Mary Carillo is the new Sherly Swoops....SI NBA preview arrived at my door with Bird and Artest on the cover. Probably the biggest mismatched pairing since Jessica and Dieter. Jessica could do so much better....

Ok well look I apologize to our tens of fans who read this blog either accidentally or by force for not being around much recently, but take this as my promise that the heart and life blood of TBunts will never stop beating. Keep hope alive, you must keep hope alive.

- BL

It's A Girl

This is like my most favorite birthday of all-time!

John Heder, er, Napolean is 28 today. GOSH!

-JG

Don't Bring Women To The Ballpark

Imagine this scenario:

You've played in the Majors for 17 years. In that time you have switched from catcher to second base to center field and then back to second base. You've become the epitome of grit and fortitude throughout all of baseball and just about everyone from everywhere wants to see you add some jewelry to your finger.

You finally get to the big series - The World Series. 4 games seperate you from the icing on the proverbial cake that is your career. You bring your family to Chicago, to sit amongst the enemy fans, but this shouldn't be a problem, we're all civilized, right?

Not so fast Mister! See Houston Astros future Hall of Famer Craig Biggio made a mistake, he brought his wife to the ball park and guess what happens. SHE GETS FREAKIN' SMACKED IN THE FACE BY A MAN.

"Asked if Patty (his wife) had been hurt, Biggio said his New Jersey-raised wife held her own.

"You don't slap a New Jersey girl and get away with it," he said. "

So again, what's the moral of the story, folks? Act Like A Man!

-JG

Seriously, Mario Lopez

OUTTA TIME starring Mario Lopez
"On The Streets Seconds Can Mean Your Life"

Mario Lopez is one bad S.O.B.

-JG

Nice Accent. Jersey?

Now, I'm neither hardened nor a criminal, but I've seen Quick Change enough to know about bank robberies. And using a ski-lift as means as escape seems a little, um, ridiculous. But nonetheless, meet a pair of Australia's favorite criminals, Harry and Lloyd.

If their getaway seemed brilliant, take a gander at photos of the criminals with hands full of money.

Brilliant!

-JG

It's Monday and that could only mean...

Time for the Name Game

New England Patriots rookie and former Fresno State Bulldog, Logan Mankins or USC's Frostee Rucker.

-JG

Have a Great Weekend

-Taylor Bunts

Put Your Hand up on my Picks...

"Yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyabba-dabba-doooooooo!"

Flintstones... Meet the Flintstones,
They're a modern stoneage family.
From the town of Bedrock,
They're a page right out of history.

Let's ride with the family down the street.
Through the courtesy of Fred's two feet.

When you're with the Flintstones,
have a yabba dabba doo time,
a dabba doo time,
we'll have a gay old time...

Yes its Hurricane Wilma's weekend, but don't expect us at TBunts to make some sort of crass joke. I mean we might just be one little ol'blog, but damn us if we have morals people.

Anyone in the mood for some ribs?

As always HOME TEAMS are in CAPS and differing games are in BOLD and itallics.

(IS TEAM JG WALKING AWAY WITH THE LEAGUE TITLE?)
_______________________________

MIA -1.5 Kansas City Chiefs
So wait, Wilma's coming, the game is tonight, the Chiefs are traveling today, schedules are thrown off and the Fins are GIVING points? What a wack-o situation. I'll take the Priest and the Chiefs and the inevitable Vermeil eye shower, praising his team's stick-to-it-ivness. -JG

Tony Gonzalez is quickly becoming the Jimmy Cooper of the Chiefs. Here is a guy everyone knows is an all-star, and a game changer who can't get a ball for some reason. If this doesn't change soon Tony could be moving to Hawaii to sell yachts. I got the Chiefs. -BL

VIKING CRUISE LINER -1.5 Green Bay Packers
The Vikings's plot this season seems just like Speed 2. If you squint your eyes enough the faces of pain Mike Tice makes, look like Willim Defoe. I like the Pack. -BL

Is it true no NFC North team has won a road game this season? The buck stops here, Favre leads the troops through troubled waters. Packers ride Vikings all they way to shore. -JG

THE LOU (ST LOUIS) -3.5 New Orleans Saints
I'm gonna take the Rams, but I really don't know why. No QB, no coach, weak D, great choice, huh. Well, I'm taking them!!!! (btw, I'm starting Az Hakim on my fantasy squad this week - tough times). -JG

Imagine next year when the San Antonio Saints take Matt Leinart from the University of Southern California, quickly followed by the end of the world. I got the Rams. -BL

PHILLY -4.5 San Diego Chargers
The Philly D has been overrated for a while now, especially their Run D. Look for LT and the Bolts line to push around the Eagles in the same way they made the Steelers look foolish. I got the Bolts. -BL

It amazes me that you never hear how LT was a better #1 pick than Mike Vick. Never. Like who would you rather build a team around right now. Anywho I think Philly needs this game a little more. McNabb and his chunky soup for this guy. -JG

HOUSTON +15.5 Indianapolis Colts
Peyton Manning has really changed to me. I used to laugh at him and stuff because he doesn't have a chin and yadda yadda... but these new Mastercard commercials are easily making him my most favorite commercial person this side of David Spade's sidekick in the Capitol One spots. I'm all over the Colts. -JG

The only way this season could get lower for the Texans is if they hired Tara Reid as the next offensive coordinator. Girl knows a lot about being offensive. If I live in Houston I am watchin the Stros anyway. I got the Colts. -BL

CINCI -1.5 Pittsburgh Steelers
Don't sleep on the Steelers here people. The Bengals are a good team this year no doubt, but I dont trust their defense totally to stop the Bus. I got Pitt. -BL

My favorite phrase these days: "these aren't you dad's Bengals." Well, weren't the Bengals in the Super Bowl in the 80s? How old do you think my dad is? Mr. Palmer meet the big bad Steelers D. I'll take the Steelers. -JG

CLEVELAND -2.5 Detroit Lions
Remember what I said earlier about the NFC North and not winning road games. Well, here is another one. The Lions may be disfunctional and a bunch of babies, but I mean they are getting points from Dilfer here. Oh and Jeff Garcia might play. That's right. Against his former team, you know he'll be pumped. Lions. -JG

The Kings of the NFC North take on the Kings of the AFC North in a game that should be full of Bill Maas and Tim Green calling out the wrong names and positions for both teams. I got the Browns. -BL

WASH -11.5 San Francisco 49ers
Well after 7 weeks of waiting a Redskins game will be televised locally here in NYC. Of course that game is against the Rattay-less Niners. Over/Under on the number of times we hear about how short Santana Moss is; 5.5. I got the Skins. -BL

Alex Smith meet the Greggster and his rabid bunch of Skins defenders. I'll take the Skins and Santana Moss to keep his 200 yard season alive. -JG

SEATTLE -3.5 Dallas Cowboys
Without intending to sound like the Sports Guy, Seattle needs to win this game a whole heckuva lot more than the Cowboys. Seattle needs to show they can hang with the big boys and the Cowboys just took down the Eagles and the G-Men. C'mon Hasselbleck and C'mon Seahawks. And was I the only idiot in America who didn't take the Hawks last week? How dumb am I? -JG

Seattle easily has the worst logo/uniform in the entire league. They need some kind of Extreme Makeover; Team Edition where they can get some free Sears hardware, and maybe a better look. I got the Cowboys. -BL

CHICAGO -1.5 Baltimore Ravens
I hate the Ravens. I hate Jamal Lewis. I hate Ray Lewis. I hate Crabs. Kyle Orton is still the Bears QB. I got the Ravens. -BL

I'll take the under, FOR SURE. Anthony Wright vs. the Bears D or Kyle Orton vs. the Ravens D. Gulp and double gulp. I'll take the home team in this one. DaBears! -JG

NYG-MEN -2.5 Denver Broncos
Let me put it this way, Ron Dayne is back in the Meadowlands. Shivers down my spine. Go America and Go Broncos. (that's a South Park reference, btw) -JG

Jake Plummer is like one of those Big Yellow School Buses with a governor on it so it tops out at 55 mph. Look for Jake to make all his necessary stops as the Broncos win. -BL

OAKTOWN -3.5 Buffalo Bills
Randy Moss is the one player that can impact any game he plays in. Sadly the only thing Randy has impacted this year is his drug dealer back in Minnesota. I got the Bills. -BL

Well, no Randy is going to be an issue and I would imagine lots of Lamont Jordan. But I'm sticking with the whole "winning a road game in the NFL is a big thing" thing. So I'll take the Raiders. -JG

ZONA -2.5 Tennessee Titans
Hey Ben, are you from Memphis? Cause you're the only Ten I See! Oh man. Oh man. My sides. Where was I? I don't remember. I'll take the feisty Titans. -JG

The Titans are the youngest team in the NFL. Jeff Fisher sports some of the best facial hair in the league. 2 good reasons to go with the Titans. -BL

ATL -7.5 New York Jets
Do you think Vinny sits on the plane to Atlanta listening to his iPod full of Springsteen and Boston wondering who the hell this Hollaback Girl is? I do. I got the Falcons. -BL

Nothing says Monday Night quite like Vinny from Elmont. Look for a lot of Ron Mexico and lot of defense. I'll take the points down in ATL and go with J! E! T! S! Jets Jets Jets! -JG

_______________________________

Season Standings:

JG 45-43
BL 34-54

-Taylor Bunts

Start Churning That Rumor Mill

Now this is only in the rumor stage, but USA Today is reporting that the Boston Red Sox are offering Manny Ramirez to the Mets for Carlos Beltran.

Very interesting deal, but I don't know the truth behind it. But I'll tell you this much, Manny in Queens seems like it's gonna happen.

-JG

Join Me Yankee Fans

World Series Game One Starters:
Roger Clemens vs. Jose Contreras

(Collective Eye Roll from Yankees fans)

Who cares, right? We're getting Mazzone. D'oh!

-JG

Vlade Doddy, has time to Party

Today is a sad, sad day... Vlade Divac has retired.

Words can't describe how I'm feeling about this. So long Vlade, so long.

(cue the Incredible Hulk end music)

-JG

The Marlin Man

Welcome to the Marlins, Joe Girardi.

The contract will be finalized this evening, but it seems Joey G will be calling the shots in the Marlin dugout.

Ah, we'll miss Girardi up here in NY. Well, I don't know if we'll miss him, but we'll definately remember him. The triple against Smoltz in '96, wowzers, indeed.

-JG

Dress for Success

Poor Stephen Jackson and his NBA friends.

It seems after years of cultivating the hip-hop/rap lifestyle with such stars as Allen Iverson and Ron Artest, the NBA has decided to adopt a more "professional atmosphere" asking all players to wear Jackets and collared shirts while on the job. In a suprise to no one, the NBA players are already complaining about the new rule.

I understand their position on one hand. I mean the point of havin millions of dollars is being able to dress like a peacock, but after the Rumble in the Palace and Kobe's trip to Eagle the corporate sponsors are rightly asking for a more professional atmosphere on the hardwood.

Look I for one in my list of what's wrong with the NBA complained about how throwbacks were ruining the continuity of the teams (having 5 different road jerseys especially when one is neon blue isn't good marketing) so I am pleased with this new rule. The rule also bans large chains worn around the neck, and that was the straw that broke Stephen Jackson's back.

The Pacers star and Robin to Artest's Batman, showed his displeasure by wearing all of his chains at the same time. Suck on that Stern and your corporate money. Stephen Jackson is the Rosa Parks of the NBA. Jackson wore four chains, one with his initials, two with a crucifix, and a forth depicting Jesus Christ.

Nothing shows more humility in front of the lord than using diamonds for Christ's beard. Jackson was going to get Saint Peter done in Saphires and Rubys, but didn't want to seem too showy.

I am totally behind the Commish on this issue. If asking millionaires to dress like adults is too much than feel free to void their own deals and just find another way to make their money. Without a doubt there will be players like Iverson who just write checks to cover the oncoming fines, but the gauntlet has been thrown down by the NBA. The Gansta era is over in the NBA, even if Jesus in the sky with Diamonds was a gift from your baby's mama.

- BL

Glorious...

-JG

Paging Mr. Herman. Mr. P. W. Herman.

Former Yank and Current Mets relief pitcher Felix Heredia joins an elite list of players. His name now resides alondside Raffy Palmeiro and Alex Sanchez and Ryan Franklin as players busted for steroid use.

I thought steroids were perfomance ENHANCING drugs? B/c the last time Heredia was pitching his nickname was Gasoline. As in if there's trouble you don't want to add Gasoline to the fire.

Anywho, Heredia's suspension will kick in at the start of next season.

-JG

Joe Cool

After a week of silence (an eternity in Yankee land, btw) Joe Torre said that he "still wants to manage the team."

For serious people, Torre needs to be there. You know it. I know it. Even the guy all the way up the scoreboard knows it. (If you can tell me what flic that's from, bonus points.)

-JG

High, Wide and Handsome

I'm about 76% positive that this is how the following situation played out.

Hollywood Studio execs sitting around a table.

"We need something funny. Something new."

"How about Will Ferrell as a Nascar driver?"

"Done! Next... How about Deuce Bigalow: Nursing Home Jigalo?"

The truth is, High, Wide and Handsome was pitched pretty much as Will Ferrell and Nascar. And This Guy Couldn't be happier.

Above are some pics from the set. That's Ali G in the Perrier sponsored suit.

-JG

Rocking Chair in the Bronx?

ESPN is reporting that the Braves have granted the Yankees permission to talk with Pitching Coach Leo Mazzone.

Mazzone is under contract for another season, but I'd easily trade Kevin Brown for him.

In reality, I'd let him rock me to sleep.

-JG

Today...I Consider Myself...The Luckiest Man...

Allan Houston retires.

"My career as an NBA player and member of the New York Knicks must unfortunately come to an end."

Houston will mostly be remembered for making one great shot, and becoming an albatross on the entire Knick family.

But man, he dresses almost pretty as his jump shot.

-JG

MaWHY?! Mawae?!

Just when the some thought the Jets season could not get any worse... All-Pro center Kevin Mawae is dunzo for the year with a torn left tricep.

The Mawae injury not only effects the Jets pass protection, but it hurts Curtis Martin too.

Matt Leinart or Reggie Bush, sports fans?

"On The Beat With Pete"
-Peter Nemchinov

Supernatural

Santana Moss is on pace for 2019 yards receiving (scroll down) this season. That's riDONKulous.

Who likes the Coles for Moss trade now?

Where is all the Skins love?

"On The Beat With Pete"
-Peter Nemchinov

Namesy Gamesy

Now this is one very special Name Game...

Bowling Green's Steve Sanders as well as the "Real" Steve Sanders.

-JG

Lamb's Chops

Grab hold of me Marty, cause we're going back in time. Back to a time BEFORE the Yankees were cursed. Back to a time before Lamb's blood was painted on doorways to spare the oldest children.

Two January's ago.

The Yanks were just coming off their World Series loss against the Marlins and both Sox were still cursed. Mystique and Aura realized something was following them. Where ever they went, this thing, was sure to go.

Soriano still had pinstripes hanging in his locker and Aaron Boone was wanted dead or alive in Beantown. But then something happened. Boone's wicked cross over caused his knee to turn in a couple of disgusting Willis McGahee angles. Just like that, things changed. The Lambs started screaming.

There was now a hole at third base, a hole too big for the Captain to cover. The Yanks quickly moved to fill this void. Anyone know the move? Nope, not May-Rod.

The Yanks jumped and signed Mike Lamb. Lamb played with the Yanks just long enough to finish a Jamba Juice, but his current standing leaves plenty of Yanks wondering.

Soon came "The Deal" and Mr. May-Rod came to town. And in the newspaper, under transactions, was the only place that you could read "The Yankees release Mike Lamb." Words that have altered Yankee history forever.

The Lambs haven't stopped screaming, have they? Since that moment, curses have been broken, the Yankees choked, and choked again, and The May-Rod legacy may have gone in the crapper.

You see, Mike Lamb is currently playing on the Astros. Mike Lamb is currently one win away from playing in THE Series. Mike Lamb is batting .300 with 2 Home Runs in the playoffs. May-Rod is finishing his MVP acceptance speech.

Things happen in baseball, life moves on. Getting A-Rod and losing Mike Lamb may be just a footnote in the storied history of the Yankees, but you feel the Yanks and Yanks fans would be happier with a healthy surving of Lamb.

(BTW, I take solace in the fact that the Angels were ripped in the LCS. It just shows me that they shot their load to beat the Yanks. - - Sour Grapes...You bet. I'm still really sore.)

-JG

Jews 1 - NBA 0

First it was the media, then the banks, and then Hollywood, but now the Jews have turned their focus onto the NBA. In an exhibition game against Maccabi Tel Aviv, the Toronto Raptors (Jalen Rose and Chris Bosh anyone?) fell 105-103.

Immediately after the game Bobby Knight, Coach K, and Roy Williams were seen visiting local JCCs to insure there wasn't another Jewish Michael Jordan (Tamir Goodman where have you gone?) hidden amongst the future accountants and pediatrists who frequent the JCC courts.

- BL

Darko's Court

Detroit Piston's Darko Milicic was arrested for driving with a suspended license.

Some say this was the best he's done on a court in years.

Thank You! Thank You! I will be here all week. Drinks are in the cooler.

(Repeat After Me: You heard that hear first!)

-JG

Six? You don't like Six? Six is good.

Smell something? Feel that tingle in your gonads? Welcome to .500 folks (sorry BL). Let me tell ya, it has been a tough, long road back to .500. I've seen just about everything in these last few weeks. The elimination of both our Baseball Teams. The decimation of the Wolverines. The OC not on TV and finding myself in no way upset. Gary Hogeboom refusing to admit he's Gary Hogeboom. The Black Family on The Amazing Race. I've even discovered a new favorite show, Run's House. What was my point? I don't remember.

Anyway, here are the picks. HOME TEAM in CAPS and differing games in bold and itallics. (9 differing games this week, fyi.)

And also, the spreads we use are from CBS Sportsline and are not necessarily what the exact spreads are. (All .5 so there are no pushes.)

Enjoy.

_________________________

SAINTS +4.5 Atlanta Falcons
The Saints gave up 510 points last week and now they have Mike Vick coming to town? Cousin Aaron Brooks doesn't stand a chance. Falcons. -JG

How bout that Matt Schaub people. All this kid does is almost lead a miracle comeback against the Super Bowl Champs, and people still call out for Vick. Bench Vick and unleash Schaub, I got the Falcons. -BL

RAVENS -5.5 Cleveland Browns
Will the real Ravens team please pick up the nearest white courtesy phone. People seem to hate on Joey Harrington, but Kyle Boller gets my vote for the most inept QB in the NFL. I can't believe this myself but I got the Dog Pound. -BL

Jamal Lewis has run for 1100 yards in 8 games against the Browns. I know this cause I'm playing against him this weekend too. And if you hear that noise, it's my teeth chattering in fear. The Ravens. -JG

CHI-TOWN -3.5 Minnesota Vikings
Remember when Minnesota was supposed to be THE team in the NFC? Well, after their bye week and their sex orgy, I think I forgot all about them. Bears at home. -JG

The biggest weapon on the Bears, Thomas Jones, might not even play in this game, plus Kyle Orton is still their QB. While I hate taking the Vikes outside, I believe in 'Pepper. -BL

BUCS -4.5 Miami Dolphins
What a day to be an Auburn alum/fan. Caddy vs. Ronnie Brown. The Bucos took one on the chin against the ageless Testeverde, I don't see that happening two weeks in a row. Tampa and only 3 quarters out of Caddy. -JG

Its a battle for the hearts and minds of South Florida fans, and I got a weird feeling that Nick Saban can figure out how to shake Brian Griese. Look for Ricky to make a big splash in his return. Go with the new two headed monster of Brown and Ricky. -BL

LIONS -1.5 Carolina Panthers
Picking the Lions is like relying on Mischa Barton in Celebrity Jeopardy. I got Carolina in the Motor City. -BL

One big win from Joey Harrington and all of a sudden tides are turning. Well...as Lee Corso would say..."not so fast mister." Roy Will is talking about not being comfortable and Chuck Rogers is hanging out with Onterrio Smith? I'll take the Panthros. -JG

PITTS -2.5 Jacksonville Jaguars
Taylor Bunts was debating who has had a better career, Charlie Batch (almost 10,000 career yards) or Drew Henson (worthless). We went with Charlie Batch and that's why I'm taking the Steelers. -JG

I believe someone said this exact phrase last week. "I still have no respect for the Jags". Well I do, but not in the cold and wet confines of the house that Ketchup Built. Go with Cower. -BL

TITANS +3.5 Cincinnati Bengals
The Titans are only favored by 3.5 against what seems to be a vastly improved Bengal team. This feels like some sort of trap. What would Hank Goldberg do? I got the Bengals. -BL

Remember when President Palmer's wife had his secretary try and get all frisky with him? Well, I do, but she's dead now. President Palmer leads the Bengals in this one. -JG

DALLAS -3.5 New York Giants
Eli-Eli-O and on his farm he had some Shockey. Eli-Eli-O. I love the points in this one. G-Men turning some heads? -JG

Drew Bledsoe and Terry Glenn last week had me singing the Friends theme and playing my Gin Blossom CDs. It was the mid 90s in Dallas. The beat goes on in a high scoring contest with the Boys out on top. -BL

KC -5.5 Washington Redskins
I mean how many times can one person pick their home team before it gets out of hand? I would guess around 16 times. I got the Skins. -BL

Skins, the points, and maybe some great LaVarr antics on the sideline. Just puhleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease let the Priest get many many yards and/or a bunch of TDs. -JG

DENVER -3.5 New England Patriots
Do the Pats ever get a week off? This week though they get the good fortune of Jake Plummer. I see 3 Jake turnovers and a Pats win. -BL

If you got burned by picking against the Patriots last week please raise your hand. (My hand is sky high right now). Have we learned our lesson? I haven't. Broncos at home. -JG

BILLS -3.5 New York Jets
What's the difference between the Bills this week and the Bucs last week? Great D's. Good running games. Here's one thing though. Hop on the Vinnie Express! Woo-HA! -JG

Vinny and the Jets take the train upstate to Buffalo, otherwise know as Green Bay East. It will be cold and wet, and you should see how agravated my dad gets when the temperature drops below 50. Poor Vinny, I got the Bills. -BL

OAK +2.5 San Diego Chargers
Welcome to the Black Hole! Word is Woodson's gonna play some safety and roam a little more. That's gonna equal a train wreck with Antonio Gates as the freight. Anyway, Oaktown's fiercest wins it, the Randy way. -JG

This is a game that the Chargers should win. A division matchup aganst a pourous Oakland D. LT will feast on the toothless Sapp line, I got the Bolts. -BL

SEAHAWKS -9.5 Houston Texans
David Carr is becoming the Tina Turner of the NFL. How many more beatings can we take before enough is enough. Run David Run, he don't love you. I got the Hawks. -BL

Houston has to win a game, right? Maybe not, but they at least have to cover the 9.5. I just don't think Syd Jurevicious and DJ Hacket will equal a blow out. -JG

INDY -13.5 St. Louis Rams
Cut that meat! Cut that meat! Cut that meat! Cut that meat! I'll take Indy an the revamped D. -JG

Well sadly the only team better than the Rams in a dome is lining up against them Monday night. I don't think that the Rams will win, but that's some spread huh. Take the Rams and the points in what will be a high flying game. -BL

_________________________

Season Standings
JG 37-37
BL 29-45

-Taylor Bunts

Spaceballs as Proverb

When I was a young boy the movie Spaceballs was my comedy bible. I memorized the lines, falls, bleeps, sweeps, and the creeps. While some kids were hoping for a GI Joe, I was begging for a Barf action figure. What I didn't realize is just how ahead of its time Spaceballs was.

Take one of my favorite lines; "Up next the movie review for Rocky five......Thousand." A great point made at a time when the Rocky franchise was clearly declaring creative bankruptcy. I mean has anyone watched Rocky V recently? Tommy Gunn and Rocky Balboa acting in the same scene was declared cruel and unusual punishment. The subplot of Rocky's son (wow he got an earing, this kid is a rebel) was unbearable, as was the thinly written Don King-esque boxing promoter. It was a film that actually made you long for the heart felt dialogue of Rocky IV; "I will break you".

Not to mention the whole, Rocky is a punchy fighter plot, that resulted in too many unwatchable screeches from Adrian. The movie was the final bell in the world of Rocky, right? Well apparently no.

According to various Hollywood sources, Stallone has submitted his script for Rocky VI (Sly will also direct this 6th installment), and is now waiting for the official greenlight from the movie studios. The plot follows Rocky as he is taking small fights in order to make ends meet, only to wind up fighting the world champion named Mason "The Line" Dixon.

Go reread that name again. It reads like a name the guys at the Onion would think up. Other rejected names were Tropic "Cancer" Of, Mississippi "River" Delta, Michael "J." Fox, Tom "Is Gay?" Cruise, and Another "Stereotypical" Black Guy.

Spaceballs once again proves that it was way ahead of their time; one has to hope though that we won't be forced to buy cans of Peri-Air or carry someones industrial strength hair-dryer. Stay tuned for a review of Rocky 6......Thousand.

- BL

Air McJETS?

The New York Daily News (having trouble linking) is reporting or rumor churning, at least, that the J!E!T!S! Jets, Jets, Jets might look into Steve McNair for next season.

Chad's noodle arm combined with McNair's history with Offensive Coordinator Mike Heimerdinger may leave this situation open.

It makes perfect sense if you ask me. Who needs a constantly injured QB when you can sign a constantly injured QB.

-JG

The Continuous LaVar Saga

"Like Coach Gregg Williams says, I've got to show them in practice," Arrington said. "Well in practice, give me some reps so you can see what I can do. If you're not going to play me, then don't play me. Just don't make things up about why I'm not playing. I'm healthy. I'm of sound mind and body. Don't try to slander me. It's being insinuated that I'm not smart enough to play this defense. That's absurd."

Personally I think LaVar's career turned when he was judge on ESPNs Dream Job.

"On The Beat with Pete"
-Peter Nemchinov

Nomar Turns Double Play

Nomar Garciaparra for the first time this year entertained a home crowd as he pulled two people out of the Boston Harbor.

The two victims were treated for minor injuries that police said could have been avoided if Nomar hadn't spent all that time checking his gloves and sneakers before jumping in the water.

- BL

# 325

Reason # 325 It's great to be a Red Sox fan living in New York City.

The cover of the NY Dailynews.



- BL

This is Dylan. You know the Drill.

Luke Perry turns 40 today - Happy B-Day, buddy.

I probably would've taken Kelly over Brenda, too.

Doesn't that picture just make you want to sing the guitar intro?

-Joe Hug

ARGH!!!!!

I have nothing to say.

-JG

On The Horn

New Orleans Saints Joe Horn has been unable to play because of a bad hamstring. On asked about this upcoming weekend, Horn stated "I'll come back next Sunday [against Atlanta] come hell or high water."

Now about that high water thing.

"On The Beat with Pete"
-Peter Nemchinov

A New Nickname

Alex "5-4-3" Rodriguez

I made a funny.

- BL

Did Al Take the Points?

So last night was a clinic in remote management as I jumped between the Yanks/Angels game and the Steelers/Chargers game, and I might have been a bit drousy moving from Tim McCarver to John Madden, but I think Al Michaels might have slipped up.

Coming back from a commercial break it seemed Al didn't know that the mikes were open as he said "Well you get 3 points" then he kicked right into his play-by-play voice "And its 7-0 here in San Diego". Was Al talking about the line for the game he was calling? The line for the game was between 2.5 and 3 all week so the only rational answer is gambling.

Does this call MNF's integrity into question? Not really, but its always interesting to see the delicate balance between the NFL and Sports Betting. The NFL acts like its up to date injury reports aren't used by every gambler in the country, or how more money is wagered on the Super Bowl than on any other day of the year.

Good to know Al probably celebrated his gambling victory screwing a model on a pile of flaming cash. Al Michaels, the Caligula of the broadcast world.

- BL

Happy Birthday, AC

AC Slater, um, Mario Lopez turns 32 today.

Bonus points to Tom from Chelsea, Michigan for the correct answer to the taylorbunts trivia challenge. Albert Clifford was in fact AC's real name.

*inquire within if you want to be included on the tbunts mailing list/trivia challenge.

-Joe Hug

Guess Who's Back?

Ricky's clean...well, in the urine sense at least. But make no mistake, Ricky's back and the fins are high as can be.

-Hollistic Healer

LaVar-isms

LaVar was active but didn't play...

"I didn't play," Arrington said. "There ain't nothing to talk about."

Is he done in DC?

"On The Beat With Pete"
-Peter Nemchinov