Deep Thoughts by...

So, I was watching the McDonald's All American Game for a couple of minutes the other night. Jay Williams was commentating. And they kept asking him what advice he gave to the younger guys. I was totally waiting for him to say "Stay Away From Motorcycles" - It never came.

-JG

We've Only Just Begun

Seriously Barry, if you just keep your head low, this whole Steroid thing, well it will just fly right on by.

Then again, maybe not.

- BL

Today, I Consider Myself...

For those who missed the Gauntlet 2 finale and/or the Gauntlet 2 Reunion Show - you missed a tragic turn of events. Last night, Mark Long (just looked up his last name, I didn't know it by heart, please believe me) announced his retirement from the network.

In a touching moment, he passed along his red bandana to Derek. "The first Road Rules to the last Road Rules." It easily qualifies for the top five most inspirational MTV moments of ALL TIME.

Top Five (in no particular order):
-The Brad/Abram Inferno battle.
-Danny getting his eye bone inverted.
-Mark's retirement.
-Trischelle being Trischelle.
-The Miz calling me immature (true story, happened in November).

Anyway, Mark apparently turned 58 on his last birthday, so we're not too bummed about it.

-JG

Unit's Love Child

Randy Johnson has a Love Child.

Randy Johnson's Love Child is a "striking, tall and athletic-looking teen."

Randy Johnson's suing for 100K in child support and what not. Makes sense, he's only pulling down 16 mill this season. Wouldn't want him to start shopping at Gristedes instead of Whole Foods, would we?

But here at the TBunts lab, we think that the real reason for all this drama, is that the Love Child wanted Ciara and a Range Rover for her Super Sweet Sixteen and Randy only got Ashanti and a Ford Tempo.

Seriously folks, Randy Johnson has a Love Child.

-JG

New York's Real Subway

WARNING: The Following Post Contains Explicit East Coast Bias. Reader's Discretion is Advised.

When most people come for the New York experience they make sure to hit on all of the touchstones. Why there's Times Square, Central Park, Rockefeller Center, The Statue of Liberty, or even the World Trade Center Site (The best place to buy all of your tasteless New York souvenirs, look Ma I got a ski cap that say NYC on it right where the towers fell!!).

But see one can never really get all the benefits of living in New York in a short trip. Like for instance last week I got to watch a man rant about socialism on the uptown A train while he openly tried to fondle himself. Good Stuff.

The great thing now though about living in New York is the new Subway ads featuring both Joe Torre and Willie Randolph. Who cares exactly what they're selling (something like a lime chicken hybrid), its all about the flawless acting of both Torre and Randolph. They both make you believe that eating Subway while being worth around forty million is possible.

In the spirit of Joe and Willie and the classic Deli tradition of naming food after celebrities, we here at Taylor Bunts would like to offer our own take on Sports Sandwiches.

The Curt Schilling
A Tongue Sandwich on a French Baguette with red onions

The Tiger Woods
Sliced White and Dark Meat Turkey on Rye with Wasabe Mayo Marinated Swedish Meatballs.

The Stephon Marbury
2 Huge Pieces of Bread, 2 Pieces of Tomato, No Meat

The Barry Bonds
Enriched Pork, Fried in the Cream, with a Flaxseed Dipping Sauce

The Terrell Owens
A Foot served with a side of our famous Rosenhaus Smashed potatoes.

The Manny "Being Manny" Ramirez
Manny wants Salami, no make that Roast Beef, no he wants Turkey, wait he's changed his mind again, he wants Salami.

The Peyton Manning
Sour Grapes and assorted jagged Fish Bones on 8 grain wheat.

The Jim Nantz
Anything you want, but will be served with stale ingredients.

The Ricky Williams
Stoned Wheat Crackers, Funions and a Jamba Juice with a Vita Boost

So next time your in New York avoid going to Macy's and make a stop off at everyone favorite lunch stop, Subway.

- BL

Everyone Loves Rice

Today we are going to try to get into the mind of someone else.

Imagine you are working in a high pressure job, one full of risk with little reward. Sure you get to fly around the world, but recently people have really been nasty to you. I mean you can't even buy shoes without a heckler or two.

Your boss is a nice guy, but never seems to really be with it. Gosh your tired. People can't even say the word Iraq around you without the whole room standing still.

But good news, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Your dream job is now open, a liferaft away from the lamest of ducks.

Now can you get this job still? I mean you haven't been tearing it up recently; where has your once golden shine now gone? Are you Tagliabue enough to get the job done?



Run Condi run, chances like this don't come up that often. Who needs to shake hands with Tony Blair when you can shake with Reggie Bush. I got a feeling most people in America would welcome this change.

Now if only we could get Bud Selig to retire. I got a former Rangers Owner in mind, who I think is about ready for the easy life.

- BL

IGOR bats again!!!

Yes, by now we all know that the Saux shipped "Don't Call Me Brandon" Arroyo to the Reds for Willy Mo Pena. Yes, even some Yankees fans are a little uncomfortable with that (THIS GUY). Heck, we even know that the Sox got Arroyo to take a home team discount of $11.25 mill over 3 years (well played Theo). But that's not the big news in Boston.

The Super Big News:
Juan Gone signs with the BoSox. That's right folks, Igor has been brought back. And honestly, I hope his name never surfaces in these silly little steroid rumors...

You're better than that, Igor.

-JG

Family?

Is Lenscrafters is running a sale on red glasses?

-Panama Red

Mid-March is Where the Skins Play

Add to the names Antwaan Randle El and Adam Archuleta, Andre Carter the DE from the Niners as the Skins continue to act like March is the real playoffs.

To be honest, after this whole week of signings I am expecting Snyder to unearth Joe Jacoby and give him a 10 mil signing bonus.

- BL

Another Gift Under the Tree

Boom-Boom Snyder strikes again, as Adam Archuleta is the latest offseason trophy for the Redskins in what is quickly becoming a Washington feeding frenzy.

Skins signed him to a deal worth 5 mil a year, no word though if monthly doses of Pro-Activ included in the deal.

- BL

Why is This Man Smiling?

Could it be because he just proved me immeasurably wrong? Sure I wrote a blistering write up of A-Rod stating that he never performs on a big stage.

I was wrong. Alex led the USA team in the WBC over Japan with a 9th inning game winning hit.

So for my whole schpiel about A-Rod being a paper tiger, I apologize. I should have said that Alex never shows up when the games actually mean something.

My Bad.

- BL

A Domino Named Randle El

Ok as a Redskins Super-Fan I can admit my total shock and amazement that Antwaan Randle El has been brought into the fold. I mean I knew that the Skins were targeting him even during the Super Bowl, but color me amazed at the gall to actually pull the trigger on this deal.

After the Skins traded 2 mid-round draft picks for speedy Brandon Lloyd from San Francisco I had it in my mind that The Danny had moved on from Randle El. Lloyd while being the center of trouble recently in the Niner's lockerroom has great speed and could have been the perfect foil for Santana Moss. See I forgot that I was dealing with Boom-Boom Snyder.

The Skins signed Randle El to a 6 yr deal with a signing bonus of 11 mil, 3 mil more than the bonus offered by Chicago. So yeah the boo-birds can complain that "Snyder only wants to buy a ring" or "It's all about the money". Well yes, and yes.

The scary part for the rest of the NFC is this reunites the old Joe Gibbs Posse from the 1980s. The original Posse featured Art Monk the leader(best possession reciever of his generation, and a man who should be in the Hall), Gary Clark the playmaker (During the magical 1991 Super Bowl season I got to wait outside Gary Clark's silver Ferrari for his autograph while he and his date ate their Wendy's chicken sandwiches), and Ricky Sanders the speedster (see his backbreaking catch against the Broncos during the 87 Super Bowl).

Now the Posse is back with Santana Moss as the leader, Randle El as the playmaker, and Brandon Lloyd as the speedster. (Pumping my fist in excitement)

A Prediction though that this signing of Randle El will force the hand of the Dallas Cowboys in landing Terrell Owens. Honestly TO going to Dallas is how this should all play out anyway. Nothing against Denver but who really wants to see TO play the Chargers twice a year. Imagine TO in the Silver and Blue catching his first touchdown as a Cowboy and instead of being booed for celebrating in the middle of the Dallas Star, recieves this time a standing ovation. Can any real sports fan deny that two games of TO vs. Donovan wouldn't be the biggest games of the year?

Jerry Jones isn't going to let Gibbs and Snyder grab all the headlines, and if I can go out on a limb here, I see the signing of Randle El being the Domino that insures the NFC East of being the most competitive division in the entire NFL.

The NCAA Tournament is peaking, the NBA season is down to the wire, but NFL offseason moves are where its at.

- BL

Just Manny Being...

To me, it looks like Manny has a hot steamy deuce in his pants... But again what do I know.

-JG

Where's My Siren?

If I was Matt Drudge, the following story would have deserved at least 2 flashing Sirens. As I am not, let me just leave you with this link.

Jennifer Love Hewitt is considering posing in an upcoming issue of Playboy.

Discuss.

- BL

The Key To Failure

The 1998 Seattle Mariners

The 2001 Texas Rangers

The 2004 New York Yankees

The 2006 USA WBC Team

All Failures. All Losers. All Alex Rodriguez.

There, someone had to say it. The man for all his accomplishments, all his homeruns, all his dyed hair, is a losers loser.

As soon as ARod turned down a chance to play on the Dominican Team, let's face it Speedy Gonzalez has more ties to the Latin Community, it was curtains for Team USA. Alex for all his stats, his great swing, and perfect teeth has never been associated with the word "winner".

So it was no shock to this ARod Historian to see him in the middle of yesterday's embarrassing loss to Team Canada in the World Baseball Classic. Alex got one hit and one strike out in his 2 ABs. This should have been a huge game for ARod because as the ARod Corollary shows us, when the game is meaningless is where Alex shines. A worthless homerun in a lopsided game is where ARod makes all his money. A quick look at his avg. With runners in scoring position tells that story.

Avg. With runners in scoring position.

1997 .196

1998 .249

2004 .226

2005 .289

So now here the US sits waiting and hoping that Team Canada can beat Mexico, thus keeping the USA from being eliminated from the competition. That is how desperate the situation now stands for Team USA.

We can all take comfort though in the fact that Alex Rodriguez, the highest paid player in the MLB, is on Team USA. If only the poison pill had suited up with another team.

Is there any chance we could trade ARod to say Iran or North Korea?

- BL

Seperated at birth?

(*Please Note: These two may look nothing alike)

-Panama Red

The Phone Call In The Night (Part I)

It's a dark, calm night in Birmingham, MI. The wind is rustling the sickly looking branches.

A spare tire, dangled from a tree, sways in the wind. Somewhere in the dead of night the phone rings. Pudge Rodriguez climbs out of his sleep. He raises the phone to his ear. A frantic voice fills the receiver and Pudge jumps out of bed.

VOICE: (hysterical) Ivan!

PUDGE: Yanni?!

VOICE: Yes, Ivan, it's me. You have to help me.

PUDGE: Where are you Yanni?

VOICE: I don't know how, but they found me Ivan.

PUDGE: Who found you, Yanni? Where are you?

VOICE: Ivan, come quick. I'm in... jail...

The phone line clicks.

VOICE: Did you check the phones?

PUDGE: Of course, Yanni.

VOICE: They've been compromised, get to Ugueth. And get me out of here.

...To Be Continued

Puttin the Rock in Rocky Top

So you and your boy are on the way to the hottest nightclub in Knoxville, Tennessee. What a life! To visualize exactly what this place looks like, just imagine turning on CMT and drinking a forty of Colt 45 at the same time. Paradise found.

Now what do you need to bring to such an occasion.

Dress Shirt, check.
Wallet, check.
Cologne, check.
Crack, check.

Yes that's right in a move that only FSU athletes could top, two University of Tennessee Basketball players were arrested by police for possession of 15.2 grams of crack cocaine. Now these guys weren't part of a sting or dealers. No, these future leaders of the world were caught by smoking crack in front of a nightclub, classy.

According to the article

Officers trying to clear traffic near a nightclub spotted a car on the sidewalk under a no-parking sign and approached to ask them to move.

The safest place to do crack as everyone should know is in a public place, preferably a nightclub or concert. After two tokes from a crack pipe even The Black Eyed Peas begin to make sense.

Could this be the explanation for why Bruce Pearl was sweating so much during the Vols win over the Gators?? Was he carrying? Is Mrs. Pearl at home mixing chemicals into a tub with a white mask over her face yelling at her kids "Momma needs more baking soda".

So congrats to the Men's Volunteer Basketball program for finally doing something that the women's team never could do.

Now Mrs. Pearl how many times can you step on the blow before it goes bad?

- BL

Washington, DC Filler

The DC Council has finally ok'd the building of a new baseball stadium for the Washington Nationals, making sure that Washington fans now have something to do while waiting for the Skins season to begin.

Oh and we've been attacked by a mean strain of Flu recently, that explains the recent silence, but don't worry my little chickadees, we're still hangin around.

- BL