Three Words No Fantasy Owner Wants to Hear

Acute Terminal Ileitis.

So you finally drafted your fantasy team. After pouring over numerous magazines, computer print outs, debating about whether WHIP or K/9 is a better indication of a pitcher's rate of success, following every word out of Peter Gammons's mouth, and blindly picking Kevin Millwood you would think your work is over. But no.....

Your first baseman, Todd Helton, goes on the DL with a problem that sounds like it was lifted right out of a promo for House (Tonight on House, a problem so big, and so difficult, we had to use 3 words for it. Tonight its House's biggest challenge yet, "Bring me the kid", "House what are you doing, you're gonna kill him!", it's like nothing you've ever seen before, "Acute no longer", House, Fox Tuesdays.)

There are no manuals to consult when the words Acute Terminal Ileitis are used. After we did our expose on the lies of the Sports Hernia, we had no choice but to lift the veil off ileitis. So as a public service to all those Todd Helton owners here are 3 different outcomes to this illness.

Scenario #1. Helton's Ileitis is caused by an irritation possibly caused by food, and will be back in 2-4 weeks with no long term problems.

Scenario #2. Helton's Ileitis is a precursor to Crohn's Disease, an inflammatory bowel disease that could take months to get under control, leaving this season up in the air for Helton.

Scenario #3. Helton's Ileitis is part of a larger intestinal problem that could result in surgery to remove the effected area of his intestine. This surgery would result in not only the end of Helton's season, but maybe his career as well.



Now before people start freaking out and trading Helton for Julio Franco and a player to be named later, just remember these are all just plausible scenarios that have been vetted by a medical expert.

We in the fantasy baseball community have lived through some trying times; the Ken Griffey Jr. Cincy years, watching Bond's knee slowly turn into pixie dust, drafting Adrian Beltre, or watching Dusty Baker manage a pitching staff. These things we can all prepare for, but when it comes to Helton and his Acute Terminal Ileitis, only House could really know for sure.

"Dammit, I have Helton in 2 league's and there is no way I am going to lose him."

- BL

Gettin Mishiggy Wit It

For all of the concerned TBunts fans, we haven't given up, but when Big Willie Style calls and invites you to the Holy Land there is no saying no.

What's interesting is that there is the same amount of excitement for the NBA playoffs in Israel as there is in the good old USA.

The NBA, its like the NHL but without all that ice.

- BL

Heeeeeeeeeere's Johnny

One Two, Freddie's coming for you

Three Four, better lock that door

Five Six, Bob Sheppard bruised his hips

Seven Eight, Opening Day is GREAT!!!!

I mean, really, what's better than opening day at The Stadium. The air is cleaner. The dirty water dogs are succulent. Ice cream filled John Olerud caps sprinkled throughout the place. Seriously, what's not to love. And the WANG, well, the WANG is superb.

-JG

Law & Order : Raleigh-Durham

WWJBD? What would Jerry Briscoe Do? That is the main question to ask after exonerating evidence in the Duke Lacrosse Rape scandal has come to light. See this whole scandal played out just like an episode of everyone's favorite procedural drama.

It started like every Law and Order, a crime with a mountain of evidence pointing at one suspect. We have all seen this before, Briscoe woulda walked in to that house full of blood, lacrosse sticks, and panties, bent over examining the evidence and quip "I wouldn't want to be in net for this game"

Cue Music, Dum DUM, Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum.

I mean look at some of the evidence, my favorite being the email sent by Ryan McFadyen in which he boasts to his friends that he is going to "to have some strippers over" and then "killing the bitches". This is classic Law and Order stuff.

To people over the age of 40 a college student telling people he was going to kill a stripper seems to be a pathological nightmare, but to anyone who has spent time in a lockerroom in the past decade just had to laugh. See McFadyen was being Shakespearean, "To Kill" means to have sex with as in "To Kill some Poo-Poo" or "Jessica Alba is so hot I could kill her".

Then after what would be 40 minutes in Law and Order time we find out that actually there is little to no evidence pointing at Duke in the incident. They got us again. Who could it have been? Duke's coniving older mother? Someone who hated Duke so much to frame them?

If this was really L&O we would have the UNC Tarheel burst into court screaming "Yeah I did it, I hated them so much that flames, on the side of my face, heaving, breathless flames."

You know what on second thought with all the bodily fluids involved in this case, let's call the guys at CSI.

- BL