Forget the curve ball. Give 'em the heater!

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Three Words No Fantasy Owner Wants to Hear

Acute Terminal Ileitis.

So you finally drafted your fantasy team. After pouring over numerous magazines, computer print outs, debating about whether WHIP or K/9 is a better indication of a pitcher's rate of success, following every word out of Peter Gammons's mouth, and blindly picking Kevin Millwood you would think your work is over. But no.....

Your first baseman, Todd Helton, goes on the DL with a problem that sounds like it was lifted right out of a promo for House (Tonight on House, a problem so big, and so difficult, we had to use 3 words for it. Tonight its House's biggest challenge yet, "Bring me the kid", "House what are you doing, you're gonna kill him!", it's like nothing you've ever seen before, "Acute no longer", House, Fox Tuesdays.)

There are no manuals to consult when the words Acute Terminal Ileitis are used. After we did our expose on the lies of the Sports Hernia, we had no choice but to lift the veil off ileitis. So as a public service to all those Todd Helton owners here are 3 different outcomes to this illness.

Scenario #1. Helton's Ileitis is caused by an irritation possibly caused by food, and will be back in 2-4 weeks with no long term problems.

Scenario #2. Helton's Ileitis is a precursor to Crohn's Disease, an inflammatory bowel disease that could take months to get under control, leaving this season up in the air for Helton.

Scenario #3. Helton's Ileitis is part of a larger intestinal problem that could result in surgery to remove the effected area of his intestine. This surgery would result in not only the end of Helton's season, but maybe his career as well.

Now before people start freaking out and trading Helton for Julio Franco and a player to be named later, just remember these are all just plausible scenarios that have been vetted by a medical expert.

We in the fantasy baseball community have lived through some trying times; the Ken Griffey Jr. Cincy years, watching Bond's knee slowly turn into pixie dust, drafting Adrian Beltre, or watching Dusty Baker manage a pitching staff. These things we can all prepare for, but when it comes to Helton and his Acute Terminal Ileitis, only House could really know for sure.

"Dammit, I have Helton in 2 league's and there is no way I am going to lose him."

- BL


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ahh...but what about those of us who suffered the Brady Family Vacation-like jinx of drafting Todd Helton AND Derrek Lee?

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This is great information. Thank god I have Gibbons too. But I curse again the guy who took Berkman just before I could.

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