Dear Umpire...

Dear Umpire at the softball game the other night,

You suck. I don’t mean that you suck as a person. I don’t really know you well enough to make that judgment. I mean, you seem like an affable guy. Like when I was chugging hard on that fly ball with two outs and rounded third, you told me to slow down because it had already been caught. That was a nice thing to do. But frankly, your strike zone sucks a fat one, and hence, you suck as an umpire. Like when I was batting, you called this one pitch a ball. I wanted to know what your logic was so I could ascertain your strike zone, so I asked why it was a ball. You told me it was deep. What the fuck does that mean? Deep?

I shouldn’t be completely negative though. It’s not cool to just rag on someone without offering a way to improve. So, if I may, I will make a suggestion or two. How about you actually watch the entire pitch as opposed to only where it lands? I understand that a pitch that lands behind the plate may indeed be a strike. But, and if it’s a big but, if the ball crosses the plate two feet over the batter’s head, I’m afraid it’s not a strike no matter where it lands. To put it bluntly, a strike is a pitch that crosses the plate between the knees and shoulders of the batter. A ball is anything else. With this knowledge, I would then suggest you adjust your strike zone to match this rubric and call balls and strikes consistently in such a manner throughout the game. I hope this helps.

And, oh yeah, you suck.

Sincerely,

Backwords K
Backwords K is a contributor to the wonderful world of Taylor Bunts.