Forget the curve ball. Give 'em the heater!

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

But Not Here - - The Conclusion

Karate Here (Part 1)

Or Here (Part 2)

Of the two pussies remaining, “Mike Barnes” is the least pussy like. After all, the disgraced “Cobra Kai” dojo owners only choose him after seeing his ad in a karate magazine. This would naturally indicate that he’s nationally known in the karate world, a force to be reckoned with. While “Johnny” is a bad ass in the Valley, “Mike” is a bad ass in the entire freakin’ country. And again, much like “Chozen,” “Mike” smacks “Daniel” around like he’s his bitch. The only reason “Daniel” survives this encounter as a two-time All Valley Under 18 champion is pure hubris. “Mike’s” senseis instruct him to just toy with “Daniel” in order to maximize his pain and their pleasure, and it backfires because “Daniel” manages to score the one point he needs to win in sudden death overtime.

This leaves “Johnny Lawrence” as the lamest of The Karate Kid villains. He’s too much of a pansy to fight to the death like “Chozen.” And he can’t fight his own fight like “Mike.” Instead, he relies on all his snot-nosed rich pals to pick on “Daniel” at school, on their motor bikes, and finally at the karate tournament itself. By the final match, “Johnny” faces a “Daniel” whose ass has been kicked by every other guy in the “Cobra Kai” black belt class. They all try to “put him out of commission,” as their sensei “John Kreese” instructs them, by going after his knees or “sweeping the leg.” In fact, they hope to “get him a body bag,” but “Daniel” keeps fighting, he never gives up. This is the one time in the entire trilogy where you don’t feel like “Daniel” uses a gimmick to win, that if he is given a fair shot, he could demolish “Johnny” on his own. Worst of all, “Johnny” gets physically violent with his ex-girlfriend, “Ali.” Now, I know women can get really annoying. They are siren-like succubi who leach men of their souls, but dammit, they make our loins ache. Nevertheless, it’s not cool to hit a girl. “Johnny,” you just don’t do that. And that’s why he is the biggest pussy. He tries to beat up a girl and he can’t even take out “Daniel,” who is a pussy from New Jersey, and that’s pathetic.

Now, I’d like to make some corrections to my previous post regarding The Mighty Ducks trilogy (I work in threes) made by some astute readers. In the second film, the Ducks play the Icelandic team, not the Norwegians, and they, in fact, play in the Junior Goodwill Games, not the Junior Olympics. My apologies. In the future, I will try harder.

-Backwords K
Backwords K is a contributor to the wonderful world of Taylorbunts


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