Sheen vs. Estevez

(please note the following will appear in next week's Taylor Bunts Gazzette)

Now if you had one chance, one moment, and one opportunity to be part of Hollywood royalty, which of the two shining princes would you be? Emilio or Charlie, Charlie or Emilio. Well, I must say this is a tough one and I would imagine that the best way to figure this out would be to break it down into a few categories with a point awarding the winner. At the end of the time, we will collect your Scan-Trons and tally the votes. My hope with this experiment is to be one step closer to becoming a Sheen…

Sports Movie (or sports movie trilogy)
Rick Vaughn vs. Gordon Bombay
Where Emilio may get the longevity credit here, it really boils down to him being available and willing to play Gordon Bombay in three films. Whereas Rick Vaughn may have been castrated in Major League 2, but Vaughn was still Wild Thing AND he very well could be the reason Mo enters The Stadium to Enter Sandman. I’d say more, but is there really a reason? Circle goes to Sheen.

Best Oeuvre
I’m gonna take two for each side here. Let’s start with Emilio as Two-Bit in The Outsiders and Billy The Kid in Young Guns (and YG2). If there ever was a showing of the range of Emilio this would be it. Greaser Two-Bit vs. Billy The Kid. It sorta seems like one became the other here with both of these Emilio characters, but you can’t argue the fun both of these guys exhibited especially combined with the “Emilio Laugh.” That high pitched guffaw into the pseudo-snort, which plays right into the cockiness of both of these guys. Superb. There is a big however, and that is the Oliver Stone influence on Charlie. Platoon and Wall Street. Platoon, for me, is one of those movies that I’ve seen many times, but can never wrap my head around, making it hard for me to remember it at all. Very weird and there aren’t many flicks that do this to me. Regardless of my black spaces surrounding Platoon (perhaps it’s because I just live by Apocalypse Now), there is no forgetting the charismatic Bud Fox. It always gets me when Bud Fox gets arrested at work and walks through the cubicles crying. WOW, what acting! Circle goes to Sheen (with a tremendous 20 assist night from Oliver Stone).

Women Side Dishes
Let’s not forget two things about Emilio and Charlie. One was part of the Brat Pack and the other LOVED prostitutes. With that said Emilio was nice and cozy with Demi in her prime. (Side tangent: I think Demi Moore has to be considered a Roger Clemens type. Young Phenom, Flamed out from over exposure, Tons of work on their bodies, Back in their prime after 40 – eerily similar.) You know what; I don’t even feel like talking about Charlie and Heidi Fleiss. Square goes to Emilio.

Celeb Wives
Paula Abdul (in her Pop Princess Prime – Side tangent #2: At her absolute Apex, who can we compare Paula to. If Beyonce can be compared to Mariah and early, pre-pregs Brittney is Madonna, who is the present day Paula. Janet Jackson? Christina Milian? Ciara?). Back to the topic: Paula Abdul vs. Denise Richards. Well, my age may dictate this answer, as I grew up on Wild Things. Circle goes to Charlie.

Stupid Spoofs
An actor’s career is not completed until he makes a spoof, right? Well, these brosephs did one each. National Lampoon’s Loaded Weapon 1 and Hot Shots (Hot Shots part deux). Well, Loaded Weapon never did it for me quite like Hot Shots. But my most memorable Hot Shots moment deals with my theater experience. Empty theater except for me and my 2 neighbors (I will leave there names out of this). Anyway, one neighbor piles back the milk duds like a machine, for serious his hand was a shovel. So he starts chewing and laughing and next thing you know, he starts puking everywhere. Like PUKE, PUKE. Me and my other neighbor shriek and run away to the other side of the theater. We spent the next 90 minutes of the moving running from seat to seat because the Puker insisted on seating near us. Circle goes to Charlie and milk duds have never been the same since.

Cheesy Sci Fi
Freejack vs. The Arrival. Let’s put it this way one was the top dog in a film that co-starred Mick Jagger, Rene Russo and Anthony Hopkins. The other starred alongside Meet The Parents’ Teri Polo. So, I mean, why even bother. Emilio is snatched by time travel the second before his race car explodes. How can you honestly compete with that one? Square goes to Emilio.

Parts That Have Transcended The Screen
Andy Clark, Breakfast Club vs. The aforementioned Rick Vaughn. I have already discussed what Vaughn might have done to baseball by entering the game to loud rock music, but I’m bothered seriously by the weak ass Vaugn from Part 2. Andy Clark, and actually Breakfast Club as a whole, has had such a huge impact on my life (and no it wasn’t at all ruined by the ridiculous re-union). I’ll just leave this with one phrase, “I can duct-tape all your buns together.” Square goes to Emilio.

If you’re keeping score at home Charlie has a 4-3 edge. Luckily there is a two pointer up next. (And if you’re still reading, I thank you)
And finally, head to head.
Young Guns – Emilio is clearly the star in this one and we spoke about his cocky laugh, which clearly covers up any (if there are) faults in Emilio’s game. Now, I was way more devastated from the death of Charlie in #1 then I was with Emilio’s “possible” death in #2. But I can’t hate the player. Square goes to Emilio.
Men At Work – I’m just gonna say this. I gonna throw it out there and hope it sticks. The scene in the dinner when the Nam guy is doodling the crazy war picture. Charlie leans in to grab a fry, leading to the famous line, “Never touch another man’s fry.” I don’t know if any other actor could have pulled off what Charlie did in that scene. Circle goes to Charlie. Game. Set. Match.

Notable Charlie Sheen Gems:
moments in which he played the “oh yeah, he was in that movie” role:
Red Dawn, Lucas, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Sheen also had a cameo in National Lampoon’s Loaded Weapon.

Greatest movie that has been forgotten for one reason or the other:
The Wraith. Now, I don’t know how this flick has aged it could either be a great pinot noir or a bottle of vinegar, but at the time I loved it. It could have been the crazy futuristic death car, which we can only assume was created in hell and brought to this planet to wreak havoc on the people that killed Charlie before he became Charlie (you follow?). Anyway, I can’t even recall what the chick in this movie looked like, but I do remember Clint Howard and Randy Quaid. Quiad played the sheriff is this town and my lone memory is of him cutting paper people and then decapitating them as Clint Howard recoiled in horror. Till this day, I can’t understand why Clint had dirt on his face for the whole movie. A part of me really wanted to be Charlie during this flick and in retrospect, this is definitely the NUMBER 1 reason why I would rather be Charlie instead of Emilio. The Wraith, 1986. Here is the tagline: Jake is killed by neighborhood thugs, and returns as a mystical figure (The Wraith) to gain revenge. Somewhere, there is a Jake in all of us and even deeper, there is a Charlie in that Jake inside of us.

And I haven’t even talked about Spin City or Money Talks or Navy SEALs. Gosh I wanna be Charlie. (*Note: I purposely left out The Chase b/c seriously, that sex scene in the car, come on now.)

-JG