Taylor Bunts

Which One is the Pop Star?

2007-02-23T11:19:00.000-05:00

Before and After.

- JG

The Future of Paternity

2007-02-23T09:57:00.000-05:00

Maury: Welcome back, before the break we met Bridget, a 36 year old from Binghamton NY, who is trying to find out who the father of her 6 month old son TJ is. Now Bridget you say that you were only with one man when you concieved TJ is that right?

Bridget: Maury, (dabbing eyes) I know who the baby daddy is. I was only with one man, and he went and ran off with Speedy Gonzalez's slutty sister. I just want the truth to come out.

Maury: Well let's meet this man, he's a 3 time Super Bowl Champion with a chin dimple most people would kill for, let's meet the guy you think is the father, this is Tom.

(Backstage footage of Tom wearing a backwards Pats hat rolls)

Tom: Maury this bitch is crazy (crowd boos) I know she was with every guy in town, I heard she even did my cousin. I aint that baby's father and today I am gonna prove it. Bridget get ready to be out of my life cause once the test results come in, you and your crazy close to 40 body is out of my life. I aint no bitch.

Maury: Let's give a big welcome to Tom everyone. (Brady crypt walks out to a chorus of boos).

Tom: Ohhh, all you haters, shut up, sit down, all you haters,

Maury: Now Tom,

Tom: Ya'll don't know me

Maury: Tom, please, now you are certain that you aren't that father of TJ?

Tom: I know Maury, she's been with everyone on the block, it took my new lady for me to see the mistakes I made with this one.

Bridget: Look at that baby Tom, he's never cried a day in his life, and he's only ever made one unsolid bowl movement, who else's kid is that Tom? He's yours!!

Tom: Clam it, Clam it woman

Maury: Ok, let's take a question from the audience, how bout you, got a comment or question for these two.?

Audience Member: "Ummm yea this is a question for Bridget, Why you always look sad all the time, thats prolly why Tom done left your droopey eyed lookin self. I LOVE YOU TOM!"

Maury: Please, please the key word here is respect. I am aware there is a third piece of the puzzle, and she's here. She's a knockout and foreign, let's meet Giselle.

Giselle: (Crowd Boos) Shud Up, Shud ya faces, ugly people.

Tom: Give the King some sugar babe (Open mouth kissing commences).

Maury: Now Giselle you were there for most of this, what can you tell us about the relationship.

Giselle: Fadshun is life Moory, and to dink dat all we need is Fadshun. I know Bono.

Maury: And who then do you think is the father of TJ Giselle?

Giselle: Yes, I Gisselle, where bathroom?, yes (with a happy lost in headlights smile)

Maury: Poetic, now I have the results here. Right here. In my right hand. The test results. The Paternity answers everyone is looking for. Right here. In my right hand. I got them. Here we go.

When it comes to 6 month old TJ, Tom, You are...........................................NOT THE FATHER!

Bridget: No (she screams here way backstage while the crowd begins to boo again).

Tom: I told ya, I told all of y'all, Where's my respect, Where's my love. (Slaps Giselle on the ass) Let's bust out babe, I got us two tickets to Paradise.

Giselle: Jew so romantic.

Maury: Well that's our show, I wanna thank all our women who got those needed answers, its a cruel mean world out there, but if you're gonna have a child out of wedlock make sure its with a professional athlete. Until next time America.

- BL

Dance, Dance

2007-02-21T15:53:00.000-05:00

I have always enjoyed the careers of Olympic athletes in the same way that I enjoyed the lives of goldfish won at the county fair. There is a guaranteed ten days of infatuation and cooing until we realize that fish and athletes are both easily replaceable. Usually by the time the fish is in its sewer mausoleum and the gold medalist are doing there last rounds on the Jimmy Kimmel Show I am ready to move on.

Who needs to remember that guy with the big teeth who swims, or the underdeveloped white female gymnast, or the underdeveloped black female gymnast, or even the underdeveloped latin gymnast?

Sadly thanks to ABC and the good people at Dancing with the Stars, the only true athletic reality show (YOU HEAR ME PROs Vs. JOEs), we are being asked to remember one of these former 4 yr stars. The announcement of Apollo Anton Ohno and the rest of the cast has caused a wave of sentimentality over me.

Remember Ohno, he's got that sick Sam Jackson in Jackie Brown facial hair going, which has always been in fashion. He owns gold medals in Short Track, basically speed skating designed by the guys from Jackass or Korean Football, whichever fits the situation. Now he's trying for the Dancing with the Stars title; color me excited. My question is what will it take for us to get some of the other Olympic names from the past? Did Keri Strug just fire her representation? What's keeping these hero's from the spotlight?

Should we handle them like the Real World does? Make 12 gold medalists compete in various challenges sponsored by Chilli's, while drinking, hooking up, and making great TV. Who needs the Miz when you got Bode Miller trying to push Amy Van Dyken into the deep end of the swimming pool.

(Now many of you might ask why I didn't discuss Clyde Drexler's name being on the list, and the main reason is, um, well Clyde is boring. I mean Matt Geiger, Larry Johnson, Shawn Kemp these are the STARS, Clyde is the guy you used to pass the ball to da Dream in old school NBA Jam)

Set the Tivo's for March 19th, its the dawn of a new era, forget the Gold, Silver, and Bronze, the real money and fame are in the rhinestones, tango, and waxing.

- BL

ESPN Asks the Burning Question

2006-11-27T16:50:00.001-05:00

"Patriots place LB Seau on IR; is career finished?"

Wait, is ESPN telling me there is a market for 37 linebackers? Junior mighta had a chance suiting up for the next Longest Yard remake, but I would say the answer to that question is a resounding No.

Paging the San Diego Front Office, Paging the San Diego Front Office, Someone clear the conference room.

(Note the action in the above Photo is not Reverse Cowgirl)

- BL

A Class Act

2006-09-06T15:56:00.000-04:00

Screw Katie, I'm all about the Bob.

- BL

They Just Cant Get Enough

2006-07-31T10:37:00.000-04:00

How many apathetic hispanic players can the Yankee's trade for? Is Rey Ordonez still available? Someone shake Raul Mondesi out of mothball, the Yanks got a roster spot for ya.

- BL

ESP In Your Face

2006-07-20T13:59:00.000-04:00

Keep your reciepts for those ESPN Mobile Phones, the boys at Merill Lynch aren't impressed.

According to this article ESPN could be looking at losses of over $135 Million with barely 30,000 people(Hey that's the same amount of people who watch Around the Horn) signed up for the service.

Basically if ESPN were a puppy, ESPN Mobile would be its testicles, around for now but everyone except them realizes its only a matter of time before they're floating in formaldehyde.

- BL

BREAKING

2006-07-19T10:18:00.000-04:00

This just in, Chad Pennington's labrum still intact.

Stay Tuned...

- BL

Arubian Knight

2006-07-18T10:15:00.000-04:00

Arubian Knight
Like Arubian days
More often than not
Are hotter than hot
In a lot of good ways

Arubian Knights
'Neath Arubian moons
A fool off his guard
Could fall and fall hard
Out there on Sidney Ponsoooooooon

-JG

The 24 Year Old Virgin

2006-07-18T09:51:00.000-04:00

Having attended an "actual" Sports University, (If you haven't seen pictures of Rex Grossman's party face circa 2000, you aren't a real Gator) I am well versed in the benefits of being a star college athlete.

There are the many tutors who always seem to know exactly what is the "important information" needed for exams, there are the choice dorms with names like "lakeside" built specifically for stars, and then there's the white/black/red/drunk women.

You haven't lived until you've seen five Tri-Delts throwing themselves on Udonis Haslem. Matt Walsh (Where are you now?) dated a freaking playmate. SEC might as well be SEX.

Or so I thought.

On Monday's Howard Stern Show, in an interview conducted at the ESPY's Shaun Alexander revealed that he was a virgin until his marriage at the age of 24.

According to the show's rundown for Monday,

In the final clip, the NFL MVP, Shaun Alexander, told Gary he wouldn’t have a problem with a gay athlete in the locker room with him, even though he didn’t think “it was right.” Shaun went on to say he was a virgin until he got married at the age of 24.

Let's digest that for a second. So we're talking about a guy who had to be the biggest star in any room he stepped into from age 17 to the present day, and he never cashed that check?

He's like A.C. Green, but without the piety.

Alexander did go to Alabama, so I guess that can explain some of his motives, but jees it couldn't have been an easy milestone. This achievement, if we can call it that, has really put me on the defensive now. What else is out there? Has Randy Moss never gone #1 standing up? Could Tom Brady have never tasted Dr. Pepper before? Everything is now operative people.

The point is, it's a responsibility of all professional athletes to lead better lives than the rest of us. If Shaun isn't going to bang groupies on the road then he better just take his MVP Trophy and go home.

This just in,

Kobe Bryant has never experienced the back door; CORRECTION never experienced willingly.

UPDATE: We got a pic of what he waited 24 yrs for.....I still say he's waz robbed.

- BL

I'm Corbin Mother-F'N Bernsen!!!

2006-07-17T15:15:00.000-04:00

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow........

Are we a blog?

No blogs update regularly.

Are we a magazine?

No, but Celebs are just like us all.

Are we relevant?

Pass.

Are we Dunzo?

Never.

And we return with Taylor Bunts news concerning our own Major League star Corbin Bernsen (the great Roger Dorn). If you don't know who Corbin is, let's just get a little perspective.

As one of the star of LA Law, Bernsen was one of the bigger TV Stars of the 80's along, but with his tragic hair line and scary tan, his rising star soon lost its luster. The past ten years Corbin inhabited the land of late night Cinemax while routinely beating women on Lifetime.

Well he has now gone full circle returning to General Hospital ,the show kicked off his career. How far has he fallen you say? Well when the movie Call Me: The Life and Fall of Heidi Fleiss is on your resume only Scat films are left, so we say Hu-Rah to our boy Corbin.

Tom Berenger is still a star for middle-aged women, Dennis Haysbert is the President and your Allstate broker, and Rene Russo showed here tatas often so good that the Velvet hand has thrown Corbin a bone.

Now when are those asian groundskeepers gonna get a break???

- BL

Boom

2006-05-11T16:06:00.000-04:00

Yeah, so we're slacking a bit.....But would people who slack just post an old video already seen by thousands just to take up blog space??

Um, yeah.

- BL

Brothers?

2006-05-10T12:35:00.000-04:00

American Idol's Taylor Hicks and ESPNs Pedro Gomez (he's the tiny picture)
-JG

Soul to Squeeze

2006-05-03T10:48:00.000-04:00

In a lucky chain of events, New York Yankee pool photographers catch the last remaining drops of Arod's soul trying to escape their highlighted prison.

Well April is behind us and as is the normal case, its time to look at what last years AL MVP is doing right now. Let's go to the Videotape.

Here are Arod's #'s so far.
23 Runs 5 Homeruns and 16 RBI with a .261 BA.

Not bad out of context, but let's put him up against the rest of the league.

When it comes to Homeruns Arod sits behind other illustrious 3rd basemen such as Troy Glaus (8 HRs), Morgan Ensberg (9 HRs), Eric Chavez (10 HRs), and even the famous slugger and former Mets favorite Ty Wigginton has more than Arod (8 HRs)

Ok ok, maybe HRs are a bit tilted against Arod, let's look at RBIs. Some names in front of Alex right now are Edwin Encarnación (25 RBI), or Garrett Atkins (18 RBI) or Texas's own Hank Blalock (19 RBI).

Alot has been made of the Yankees offense not being able to manufacture runs, well look no further than the 2005 AL MVP for the causation. Jees and to think we almost gave the MVP to David Ortiz.

All that DH is doing is lead the AL in HRs (11 HRs). Seems like once again hindsight is 20/20.

Or in Arod's case about 20 mil a year.

- BL

Three Words No Fantasy Owner Wants to Hear

2006-04-26T10:00:00.000-04:00

Acute Terminal Ileitis.

So you finally drafted your fantasy team. After pouring over numerous magazines, computer print outs, debating about whether WHIP or K/9 is a better indication of a pitcher's rate of success, following every word out of Peter Gammons's mouth, and blindly picking Kevin Millwood you would think your work is over. But no.....

Your first baseman, Todd Helton, goes on the DL with a problem that sounds like it was lifted right out of a promo for House (Tonight on House, a problem so big, and so difficult, we had to use 3 words for it. Tonight its House's biggest challenge yet, "Bring me the kid", "House what are you doing, you're gonna kill him!", it's like nothing you've ever seen before, "Acute no longer", House, Fox Tuesdays.)

There are no manuals to consult when the words Acute Terminal Ileitis are used. After we did our expose on the lies of the Sports Hernia, we had no choice but to lift the veil off ileitis. So as a public service to all those Todd Helton owners here are 3 different outcomes to this illness.

Scenario #1. Helton's Ileitis is caused by an irritation possibly caused by food, and will be back in 2-4 weeks with no long term problems.

Scenario #2. Helton's Ileitis is a precursor to Crohn's Disease, an inflammatory bowel disease that could take months to get under control, leaving this season up in the air for Helton.

Scenario #3. Helton's Ileitis is part of a larger intestinal problem that could result in surgery to remove the effected area of his intestine. This surgery would result in not only the end of Helton's season, but maybe his career as well.

Now before people start freaking out and trading Helton for Julio Franco and a player to be named later, just remember these are all just plausible scenarios that have been vetted by a medical expert.

We in the fantasy baseball community have lived through some trying times; the Ken Griffey Jr. Cincy years, watching Bond's knee slowly turn into pixie dust, drafting Adrian Beltre, or watching Dusty Baker manage a pitching staff. These things we can all prepare for, but when it comes to Helton and his Acute Terminal Ileitis, only House could really know for sure.

"Dammit, I have Helton in 2 league's and there is no way I am going to lose him."

- BL

Gettin Mishiggy Wit It

2006-04-21T10:42:00.000-04:00

For all of the concerned TBunts fans, we haven't given up, but when Big Willie Style calls and invites you to the Holy Land there is no saying no.

What's interesting is that there is the same amount of excitement for the NBA playoffs in Israel as there is in the good old USA.

The NBA, its like the NHL but without all that ice.

- BL

Heeeeeeeeeere's Johnny

2006-04-11T13:45:00.000-04:00

One Two, Freddie's coming for you

Three Four, better lock that door

Five Six, Bob Sheppard bruised his hips

Seven Eight, Opening Day is GREAT!!!!

I mean, really, what's better than opening day at The Stadium. The air is cleaner. The dirty water dogs are succulent. Ice cream filled John Olerud caps sprinkled throughout the place. Seriously, what's not to love. And the WANG, well, the WANG is superb.

-JG

Law & Order : Raleigh-Durham

2006-04-11T09:54:00.000-04:00

WWJBD? What would Jerry Briscoe Do? That is the main question to ask after exonerating evidence in the Duke Lacrosse Rape scandal has come to light. See this whole scandal played out just like an episode of everyone's favorite procedural drama.

It started like every Law and Order, a crime with a mountain of evidence pointing at one suspect. We have all seen this before, Briscoe woulda walked in to that house full of blood, lacrosse sticks, and panties, bent over examining the evidence and quip "I wouldn't want to be in net for this game"

Cue Music, Dum DUM, Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum.

I mean look at some of the evidence, my favorite being the email sent by Ryan McFadyen in which he boasts to his friends that he is going to "to have some strippers over" and then "killing the bitches". This is classic Law and Order stuff.

To people over the age of 40 a college student telling people he was going to kill a stripper seems to be a pathological nightmare, but to anyone who has spent time in a lockerroom in the past decade just had to laugh. See McFadyen was being Shakespearean, "To Kill" means to have sex with as in "To Kill some Poo-Poo" or "Jessica Alba is so hot I could kill her".

Then after what would be 40 minutes in Law and Order time we find out that actually there is little to no evidence pointing at Duke in the incident. They got us again. Who could it have been? Duke's coniving older mother? Someone who hated Duke so much to frame them?

If this was really L&O we would have the UNC Tarheel burst into court screaming "Yeah I did it, I hated them so much that flames, on the side of my face, heaving, breathless flames."

You know what on second thought with all the bodily fluids involved in this case, let's call the guys at CSI.

- BL

Deep Thoughts by...

2006-03-31T11:47:00.000-05:00

So, I was watching the McDonald's All American Game for a couple of minutes the other night. Jay Williams was commentating. And they kept asking him what advice he gave to the younger guys. I was totally waiting for him to say "Stay Away From Motorcycles" - It never came.

-JG

We've Only Just Begun

2006-03-30T17:20:00.000-05:00

Seriously Barry, if you just keep your head low, this whole Steroid thing, well it will just fly right on by.

Then again, maybe not.

- BL

Today, I Consider Myself...

2006-03-28T14:27:00.000-05:00

For those who missed the Gauntlet 2 finale and/or the Gauntlet 2 Reunion Show - you missed a tragic turn of events. Last night, Mark Long (just looked up his last name, I didn't know it by heart, please believe me) announced his retirement from the network.

In a touching moment, he passed along his red bandana to Derek. "The first Road Rules to the last Road Rules." It easily qualifies for the top five most inspirational MTV moments of ALL TIME.

Top Five (in no particular order):
-The Brad/Abram Inferno battle.
-Danny getting his eye bone inverted.
-Mark's retirement.
-Trischelle being Trischelle.
-The Miz calling me immature (true story, happened in November).

Anyway, Mark apparently turned 58 on his last birthday, so we're not too bummed about it.

-JG

Unit's Love Child

2006-03-28T13:49:00.000-05:00

Randy Johnson has a Love Child.

Randy Johnson's Love Child is a "striking, tall and athletic-looking teen."

Randy Johnson's suing for 100K in child support and what not. Makes sense, he's only pulling down 16 mill this season. Wouldn't want him to start shopping at Gristedes instead of Whole Foods, would we?

But here at the TBunts lab, we think that the real reason for all this drama, is that the Love Child wanted Ciara and a Range Rover for her Super Sweet Sixteen and Randy only got Ashanti and a Ford Tempo.

Seriously folks, Randy Johnson has a Love Child.

-JG

New York's Real Subway

2006-03-23T09:53:00.000-05:00

WARNING: The Following Post Contains Explicit East Coast Bias. Reader's Discretion is Advised.

When most people come for the New York experience they make sure to hit on all of the touchstones. Why there's Times Square, Central Park, Rockefeller Center, The Statue of Liberty, or even the World Trade Center Site (The best place to buy all of your tasteless New York souvenirs, look Ma I got a ski cap that say NYC on it right where the towers fell!!).

But see one can never really get all the benefits of living in New York in a short trip. Like for instance last week I got to watch a man rant about socialism on the uptown A train while he openly tried to fondle himself. Good Stuff.

The great thing now though about living in New York is the new Subway ads featuring both Joe Torre and Willie Randolph. Who cares exactly what they're selling (something like a lime chicken hybrid), its all about the flawless acting of both Torre and Randolph. They both make you believe that eating Subway while being worth around forty million is possible.

In the spirit of Joe and Willie and the classic Deli tradition of naming food after celebrities, we here at Taylor Bunts would like to offer our own take on Sports Sandwiches.

The Curt Schilling
A Tongue Sandwich on a French Baguette with red onions

The Tiger Woods
Sliced White and Dark Meat Turkey on Rye with Wasabe Mayo Marinated Swedish Meatballs.

The Stephon Marbury
2 Huge Pieces of Bread, 2 Pieces of Tomato, No Meat

The Barry Bonds
Enriched Pork, Fried in the Cream, with a Flaxseed Dipping Sauce

The Terrell Owens
A Foot served with a side of our famous Rosenhaus Smashed potatoes.

The Manny "Being Manny" Ramirez
Manny wants Salami, no make that Roast Beef, no he wants Turkey, wait he's changed his mind again, he wants Salami.

The Peyton Manning
Sour Grapes and assorted jagged Fish Bones on 8 grain wheat.

The Jim Nantz
Anything you want, but will be served with stale ingredients.

The Ricky Williams
Stoned Wheat Crackers, Funions and a Jamba Juice with a Vita Boost

So next time your in New York avoid going to Macy's and make a stop off at everyone favorite lunch stop, Subway.

- BL

Everyone Loves Rice

2006-03-21T09:52:00.000-05:00

Today we are going to try to get into the mind of someone else.

Imagine you are working in a high pressure job, one full of risk with little reward. Sure you get to fly around the world, but recently people have really been nasty to you. I mean you can't even buy shoes without a heckler or two.

Your boss is a nice guy, but never seems to really be with it. Gosh your tired. People can't even say the word Iraq around you without the whole room standing still.

But good news, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Your dream job is now open, a liferaft away from the lamest of ducks.

Now can you get this job still? I mean you haven't been tearing it up recently; where has your once golden shine now gone? Are you Tagliabue enough to get the job done?

Run Condi run, chances like this don't come up that often. Who needs to shake hands with Tony Blair when you can shake with Reggie Bush. I got a feeling most people in America would welcome this change.

Now if only we could get Bud Selig to retire. I got a former Rangers Owner in mind, who I think is about ready for the easy life.

- BL

IGOR bats again!!!

2006-03-20T16:52:00.000-05:00

Yes, by now we all know that the Saux shipped "Don't Call Me Brandon" Arroyo to the Reds for Willy Mo Pena. Yes, even some Yankees fans are a little uncomfortable with that (THIS GUY). Heck, we even know that the Sox got Arroyo to take a home team discount of $11.25 mill over 3 years (well played Theo). But that's not the big news in Boston.

The Super Big News:
Juan Gone signs with the BoSox. That's right folks, Igor has been brought back. And honestly, I hope his name never surfaces in these silly little steroid rumors...

You're better than that, Igor.

-JG

Family?

2006-03-16T11:08:00.000-05:00

Is Lenscrafters is running a sale on red glasses?

-Panama Red

Mid-March is Where the Skins Play

2006-03-14T09:45:00.000-05:00

Add to the names Antwaan Randle El and Adam Archuleta, Andre Carter the DE from the Niners as the Skins continue to act like March is the real playoffs.

To be honest, after this whole week of signings I am expecting Snyder to unearth Joe Jacoby and give him a 10 mil signing bonus.

- BL

Another Gift Under the Tree

2006-03-13T12:06:00.000-05:00

Boom-Boom Snyder strikes again, as Adam Archuleta is the latest offseason trophy for the Redskins in what is quickly becoming a Washington feeding frenzy.

Skins signed him to a deal worth 5 mil a year, no word though if monthly doses of Pro-Activ included in the deal.

- BL

Why is This Man Smiling?

2006-03-13T11:09:00.000-05:00

Could it be because he just proved me immeasurably wrong? Sure I wrote a blistering write up of A-Rod stating that he never performs on a big stage.

I was wrong. Alex led the USA team in the WBC over Japan with a 9th inning game winning hit.

So for my whole schpiel about A-Rod being a paper tiger, I apologize. I should have said that Alex never shows up when the games actually mean something.

My Bad.

- BL

A Domino Named Randle El

2006-03-13T10:19:00.000-05:00

Ok as a Redskins Super-Fan I can admit my total shock and amazement that Antwaan Randle El has been brought into the fold. I mean I knew that the Skins were targeting him even during the Super Bowl, but color me amazed at the gall to actually pull the trigger on this deal.

After the Skins traded 2 mid-round draft picks for speedy Brandon Lloyd from San Francisco I had it in my mind that The Danny had moved on from Randle El. Lloyd while being the center of trouble recently in the Niner's lockerroom has great speed and could have been the perfect foil for Santana Moss. See I forgot that I was dealing with Boom-Boom Snyder.

The Skins signed Randle El to a 6 yr deal with a signing bonus of 11 mil, 3 mil more than the bonus offered by Chicago. So yeah the boo-birds can complain that "Snyder only wants to buy a ring" or "It's all about the money". Well yes, and yes.

The scary part for the rest of the NFC is this reunites the old Joe Gibbs Posse from the 1980s. The original Posse featured Art Monk the leader(best possession reciever of his generation, and a man who should be in the Hall), Gary Clark the playmaker (During the magical 1991 Super Bowl season I got to wait outside Gary Clark's silver Ferrari for his autograph while he and his date ate their Wendy's chicken sandwiches), and Ricky Sanders the speedster (see his backbreaking catch against the Broncos during the 87 Super Bowl).

Now the Posse is back with Santana Moss as the leader, Randle El as the playmaker, and Brandon Lloyd as the speedster. (Pumping my fist in excitement)

A Prediction though that this signing of Randle El will force the hand of the Dallas Cowboys in landing Terrell Owens. Honestly TO going to Dallas is how this should all play out anyway. Nothing against Denver but who really wants to see TO play the Chargers twice a year. Imagine TO in the Silver and Blue catching his first touchdown as a Cowboy and instead of being booed for celebrating in the middle of the Dallas Star, recieves this time a standing ovation. Can any real sports fan deny that two games of TO vs. Donovan wouldn't be the biggest games of the year?

Jerry Jones isn't going to let Gibbs and Snyder grab all the headlines, and if I can go out on a limb here, I see the signing of Randle El being the Domino that insures the NFC East of being the most competitive division in the entire NFL.

The NCAA Tournament is peaking, the NBA season is down to the wire, but NFL offseason moves are where its at.

- BL

Just Manny Being...

2006-03-10T16:38:00.000-05:00

To me, it looks like Manny has a hot steamy deuce in his pants... But again what do I know.

-JG

Where's My Siren?

2006-03-09T12:36:00.000-05:00

If I was Matt Drudge, the following story would have deserved at least 2 flashing Sirens. As I am not, let me just leave you with this link.

Jennifer Love Hewitt is considering posing in an upcoming issue of Playboy.

Discuss.

- BL

The Key To Failure

2006-03-09T09:41:00.000-05:00

The 1998 Seattle Mariners

The 2001 Texas Rangers

The 2004 New York Yankees

The 2006 USA WBC Team

All Failures. All Losers. All Alex Rodriguez.

There, someone had to say it. The man for all his accomplishments, all his homeruns, all his dyed hair, is a losers loser.

As soon as ARod turned down a chance to play on the Dominican Team, let's face it Speedy Gonzalez has more ties to the Latin Community, it was curtains for Team USA. Alex for all his stats, his great swing, and perfect teeth has never been associated with the word "winner".

So it was no shock to this ARod Historian to see him in the middle of yesterday's embarrassing loss to Team Canada in the World Baseball Classic. Alex got one hit and one strike out in his 2 ABs. This should have been a huge game for ARod because as the ARod Corollary shows us, when the game is meaningless is where Alex shines. A worthless homerun in a lopsided game is where ARod makes all his money. A quick look at his avg. With runners in scoring position tells that story.

Avg. With runners in scoring position.

1997 .196

1998 .249

2004 .226

2005 .289

So now here the US sits waiting and hoping that Team Canada can beat Mexico, thus keeping the USA from being eliminated from the competition. That is how desperate the situation now stands for Team USA.

We can all take comfort though in the fact that Alex Rodriguez, the highest paid player in the MLB, is on Team USA. If only the poison pill had suited up with another team.

Is there any chance we could trade ARod to say Iran or North Korea?

- BL

Seperated at birth?

2006-03-08T11:50:00.000-05:00

(*Please Note: These two may look nothing alike)

-Panama Red

The Phone Call In The Night (Part I)

2006-03-07T17:50:00.000-05:00

It's a dark, calm night in Birmingham, MI. The wind is rustling the sickly looking branches.

A spare tire, dangled from a tree, sways in the wind. Somewhere in the dead of night the phone rings. Pudge Rodriguez climbs out of his sleep. He raises the phone to his ear. A frantic voice fills the receiver and Pudge jumps out of bed.

VOICE: (hysterical) Ivan!

PUDGE: Yanni?!

VOICE: Yes, Ivan, it's me. You have to help me.

PUDGE: Where are you Yanni?

VOICE: I don't know how, but they found me Ivan.

PUDGE: Who found you, Yanni? Where are you?

VOICE: Ivan, come quick. I'm in... jail...

The phone line clicks.

VOICE: Did you check the phones?

PUDGE: Of course, Yanni.

VOICE: They've been compromised, get to Ugueth. And get me out of here.

...To Be Continued

Puttin the Rock in Rocky Top

2006-03-07T09:52:00.000-05:00

So you and your boy are on the way to the hottest nightclub in Knoxville, Tennessee. What a life! To visualize exactly what this place looks like, just imagine turning on CMT and drinking a forty of Colt 45 at the same time. Paradise found.

Now what do you need to bring to such an occasion.

Dress Shirt, check.
Wallet, check.
Cologne, check.
Crack, check.

Yes that's right in a move that only FSU athletes could top, two University of Tennessee Basketball players were arrested by police for possession of 15.2 grams of crack cocaine. Now these guys weren't part of a sting or dealers. No, these future leaders of the world were caught by smoking crack in front of a nightclub, classy.

According to the article

Officers trying to clear traffic near a nightclub spotted a car on the sidewalk under a no-parking sign and approached to ask them to move.

The safest place to do crack as everyone should know is in a public place, preferably a nightclub or concert. After two tokes from a crack pipe even The Black Eyed Peas begin to make sense.

Could this be the explanation for why Bruce Pearl was sweating so much during the Vols win over the Gators?? Was he carrying? Is Mrs. Pearl at home mixing chemicals into a tub with a white mask over her face yelling at her kids "Momma needs more baking soda".

So congrats to the Men's Volunteer Basketball program for finally doing something that the women's team never could do.

Now Mrs. Pearl how many times can you step on the blow before it goes bad?

- BL

Washington, DC Filler

2006-03-06T15:51:00.000-05:00

The DC Council has finally ok'd the building of a new baseball stadium for the Washington Nationals, making sure that Washington fans now have something to do while waiting for the Skins season to begin.

Oh and we've been attacked by a mean strain of Flu recently, that explains the recent silence, but don't worry my little chickadees, we're still hangin around.

- BL

Free Dan Snyder

2006-02-28T10:37:00.000-05:00

Anyone who has been keeping up with the labor talks surrounding the collective bargaining agreement in the NFL knows by now just who is to blame; Dan Snyder.

Read any column or article and they always come to the same conclusion. "The Dan Snyder's of the world will be the ones to benefit the most if a CBA isn't reached". Wait, you are telling me there is more than one 5'3 billionaire owner in the NFL? Where are all these Snyders?

There are only 32 NFL Owners, so there could only be 32 possible Snyders right? The work of lazy columnists to cast blame on Snyder for doing nothing wrong except supporting his team is a tad bit amateur.

Someone needs to tell Peter King, Dr. Z, Len Pasquaralli, John Clayton, Skip Bayless, Bill Plashke, Mitch Albom, and anyone who sadly must write for the Sporting News, that they need a new whipping boy.

I mean who could really hate this man? Look at him, all 120 pounds of him, I just wanna stick Danny in my front pocket and go fishing. Sure he milks every last dime out of the Redskins, but he puts it back into the team. What fan wouldn't want Snyder to own their team? Think the fan's who suffer through the Bill Bidwell's and the Tom Benson's wouldn't want Danny "Boom-Boom" Snyder blasting into their city?

Dan Snyder is a kid who grew up idolizing the Washington Redskins and now he owns them. Forgive him for wanting to win at all costs whether to him or the team.

As a Redskin fan I am no stranger to a diva owner. Jack Kent Cooke spent the last few years of his life partying with his Colombian wife, and all he brought in was 3 Super Bowl titles.

Let Danny be Danny, and someone tell Peter King that I would rather read a 4,000 word article on his favortie type of expresso than to hear another hack drag my good buddy Dan Snyder's name through the mud.

They can try to take Danny's life, but they'll never take his Freedom!!!

- BL

I Heard

2006-02-28T09:39:00.000-05:00

He threw at his son in a father/son game.

-JG

Section 112

2006-02-27T21:49:00.000-05:00

The Wonderlic Test, or how Vince Young Got Out Of College

1. Look at the row of numbers below. What number should come next?
8 4 2 1 ½ ¼ ?

2. Assume the first two statements are true. Is the final one:
1. true, 2. false, 3. not certain?
The boy plays baseball. All baseball players wear hats. The boy wears a hat.

3. Paper sells for 21 cents per pad. What will four pads cost?

4. How many of the five pairs of items listed below are exact duplicates?
Nieman, K.M. Neiman, K.M.
Thomas, G.K. Thomas, C.K.
Hoff, J.P. Hoff, J.P.
Pino, L.R. Pina, L.R.
Warner, T.S. Wanner, T.S.

5. RESENT RESERVE • Do these words
1. have similar meanings, 2. have contradictory meanings, 3. mean neither the same nor opposite?

6. A train travels 20 feet in 1/5 second. At this same speed, how many feet will it travel in three seconds?

7. When rope is selling at $.10 a foot, how many feet can you buy for sixty cents?

8. The ninth month of the year is
1. October, 2. January, 3. June, 4. September, 5 May.

9. Which number in the following group of numbers represents the smallest amount?
7 .8 31 .33 2

Answers
1. 1/8
2. true
3. 84 cents
4. 1
5. 3
6. 300 feet
7. 6 feet
8. September
9. .33

ADDITIONAL QUESTION (Bonus):
Assume the first two statements are true. Is the final one:
1. true, 2. false, 3. not certain?
Scoring below a 14 is the equivalent of being a moron. Vince Young scored a 6. Vince Young is a moron.

A breakdown of the scoring looks like this:
50= highest possible score, superior intelligence
21= average intelligence
14= equivalent to unskilled worker
Below 14= moron

Based on the number you answered correctly within the time limit on the sample WPT, you could project your score on the 50-item test like this:
9 correct= 50 4 correct= 22
8 correct= 44 3 correct= 17
7 correct= 39 2 correct= 11
6 correct= 33 1 correct= 6
5 correct= 28 0 correct= 0

(questions and answers)
(other stuff)
(bonus question)

-JG

Fernando Vargas is Quasimodo

2006-02-27T17:09:00.000-05:00

Walt Disney Pictures is proud to announce Fernando Vargas will take on the monumental role of The Hunchback of Notre Dame.

Look for a mid-summer release

- BL

Readers Make the World Go Round

2006-02-25T21:53:00.000-05:00

So it seems we have been getting a bit of flack from the Pro-Sasha contingent. They seem to be on the right of the Clay Aiken Fans (The Claymates) and the left of the Jimmy Buffet Fans (The Parrotheads). Yeah so we predicted Sasha's fall, so we said she would one day enter the seedy underbelly of society known as the world of porno. Who knew people would get this upset.

We were sent this link.

It's a message board discussion on Sashafans.com, The Hottest Fansite for all your Sasha needs. Wanna know how many times Sasha binged and purged before a match, we got the info on Sashafans.com.

So yes we finally have another example of how when young girls and gay men work together they can create a space healthy enough to get out all that Sasha rage. I for one will put myself up as a mentor to anyone dealing in Sasha Cohen grief and anger.

If we work together Sashafans.com we can accomplish anything, like say who's up for kicking the asses of some Kwan fans, huh?

- BL

Talladega Nights!!!

2006-02-24T10:08:00.000-05:00

Restrictor Plate - Check

Flame Retardent Suits - Check

PBRs in the Cooler - Triple Check

Will Ferrell starring in the long awaiting Nascar Flick - COME ON EVERYBODY, SEE HOW GOOD I LOOK!!!!

Talladega Nights

Ricky*Bobby

Sasha is the New Kwan

2006-02-24T09:40:00.000-05:00

To think we only had to wait 4 years for last night. A quick retrospective in pictures.

Sasha's future is so bright she better wear shades with Smuckers on them.

- BL

You Say Tomato...

2006-02-23T13:02:00.000-05:00

I say laying the bone to LOHAN or maybe just some warm petting. Either way, well done Tomato.

Super for serious, do you think Carrot Top is scared that he's losing his niche?

In a related incident... the Young Tomato was in race and he fell behind. What did his dad say to him? Ketchup!

Did I do it? Are you sides split? Anywho, bonus points for naming the movie.

-JG

Triple AXXXle

2006-02-23T10:08:00.000-05:00

Sports Illustrated
Febuary 23, 2016

Sasha Cohen, disgraced American Figure Skater is back in the news, and she took some time out of her busy press schedule to sit down with our own Taylor Bunts.

Taylor Bunts: Sasha, first of all thanks for your time, If I can I would like for you to go back with me 10 years to Turin and your long program.

Sasha Cohen: Let's just say if I could do it all over again I would not have thrown my skate into the crowd.

TB: People said you were drunk that night?

SC: People can say what they want, I know who I am (lights cigarette).

TB: You yourself have made some news with your recent turn as an actress.

SC: The movie is called Triple Axxxle Orgy, it's with Vivid pictures and I could not be more happy about how it turned out. I think people are going to see a new side of Sasha.

TB: And you star with your husband in this film correct?

SC: Yes, Ronnie was kind enough to make a cameo during the hot wax scene.

TB: Any worry about how this could effect your twin boys?

SC: Well Ronnie and I have talked it all out with the Ron Artest Jr, and Ron Artest III. They know Momma knows best.

TB: You also recently appeared in a Iraqi TV Reality Show called Battle of the American Devils, how was that?

SC: Until you know the feeling of pushing Bruce Jenner's face into a banana cream pie you haven't lived.

TB: Sasha do you ever regret your Olympic Experience?

SC: You know something, (Hits a Meth Pipe) My life isn't all fun and games, but I wouldn't change it for the world.

TB: The World?

SC: Or like a thousand bucks.

Sasha Cohen can be seen this month on Cinemax Late Night, and will be making an appearance to promote her new career at the Paramus Mall.

- BL

UPDATE - The Sasha Fans voice their feelings, and we strike back. We here at Taylor Bunts will not be intimidated by any fan base, unless we're talking about G-Unit. Lloyd Banks is my dog.

FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-02-22T13:04:00.000-05:00

I've always wondered if professional athletes pay attention to fantasy stats and/or us maniacs who live and die by every single pitch thrown. And I actually once asked a fellow TBunter to which his response was, I doubt Sammy Sosa gives a little rabbit foo-foo about you scrawny SOB.

BUT... (and it's a big but)... Carl Crawford weighs in on the matter.

"Let it be known: I want to be the No. 1-ranked fantasy player out there."
-- Carl Crawford, 2/19/06

Mr. Gowdy

2006-02-21T10:50:00.000-05:00

Curt Gowdy, Hall of Fame Broadcaster, has passed away.

We here at TBunts would like to send our heartfelt thanks to the Gowdy family for all of the memories Curt created and was apart of.

Oh and btw, Curt's best performance was in Freddie Price's satirical look at Cape Cod Baseball, Summer Catch.

- BL

Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary

2006-02-17T09:50:00.000-05:00

The following is an open letter of love to my Olympic dream girl, Mary Carillo.

Dear Mary,

How can I put into words the feelings that run through me when you're on my TV screen. Whether its a cover story on a female curler, or a cover story on a female ski jumper, or even a cover story on a female snowboarder, it's your face that I see.

How I want to be swept up in your arms, my face brushing up against your expensive italian pantsuit. I could stay in your grasp for hours listening to you describe Mary Pierce's backhand or how important Title IX has been for college sports. We could laugh for hours about Jennifer Capriati or how Frank Deford smells like chicken salad.

I could rest in your lap as your read to me from the book you wrote with Martina Navratilova, Tennis My Way. Mary how safe I feel in your arms. We could play women's rugby or buy some Birkenstocks.

Imagine the reaction from the Paparazzi when you and I show up arm and arm to a WNBA game? The Miami Sol's fan base will be buzzing when we walk into the arena. We will be on the cover of US, In Touch, and the Village Voice. Think of us, Ben and Mary, we could even have a cool Celeb-nickname like "BM".

All I am asking for is one shot, one chance, to prove to you Mary, that I am the missing piece you have been searching for all your life. Invite Martina over, let's get wasted and watch the Virgina Slims.

I love to watch.

- BL

Death of the Playboy Bunny

2006-02-16T15:18:00.000-05:00

Between banging female groupies two at a time, and watching his favorite NASCAR event, Johnny Weir fits in some time to work the camera.

- BL

Foreign Born Players and Their Wife's Domestic Implants

2006-02-15T15:48:00.001-05:00

I think that a Jose Lima post might be the perverbial "shooting fish in a barrel" topic. I mean the man has given the world of sports so much; From Lima Time and his Houston crying, to his blonde locks in LA, and of course his 8.50 ERA in Kansas City. How can you not throw together a Lima post in about 8 seconds.

The answer is right next to Jose in the above picture; Mrs. Jose Lima. Grrrrr, Hello Nurse!!! See kids you don't even need to have a complete grasp of the english language to get a hot wife, just a mid 80s fastball. Oh yeah the Jose news, The Mets signed him to a minor league deal, yadda yadda yadda, but check out the bazooms on the wife huh?

Looks like Don Zimmer and Matt Hasslebeck fighting underneath a tight sheet.

- BL

Endurance Predator!!!!

2006-02-15T09:36:00.000-05:00

Move closer to the screen, I have a story for you. A buddy of mine, BIG HUNTER (no Cheney jokes here), hunts with this guy, Willy. Willy claims to be an Endurance Predator. Basically, Willy says he can run down a deer and kill it, not with weapons but with his bare hands. It's truly a beautiful sight.

Long story short, my buddy meets up with this guy... he takes him out for the day... Supposedly catches a blue jay with his BARE HANDS. The next thing my buddy remembers is waking up the next morning on the road with deer semen on his face.

Here is Willy's story.

-JG

You Idiot!

2006-02-09T20:46:00.000-05:00

Larry's In Charge

2006-02-09T09:31:00.000-05:00

What happens when a Hall of Fame Coach becomes the live-in Nanny for an upper-middle class family living in White Plains, NY? The Fox network is proud to present, from the people who brought you Man vs. Beast and Cops comes the new family sitcom that breaks all the rules.

This fall, Larry's In Charge.

New coach in the neighborhood
Lives downstairs and is misunderstand

He’s there just to take good care of me,
Like he’s one of the family.

Larry's in Charge
Of our plays and our fights

Larry's in Charge
Of our points and our sites

Starring Larry Brown as Larry, with Stephon Marbury, Eddy Curry, Channing Frye, and David Lee as the rag tag group of kids put under Larry's care. Featuring Isiah Thomas as the head of the family, Mr. Brocktune, and Willie Aames as Buddy, Larry's best friend.

See Larry deal with the complexities of dating, drug use, and growing up in today's world. This Fall, there's a new sheriff in town. Larry's In Charge, Only on Fox.

And I sing, I want,
I want Larry in Charge of me.

Larry's in Charge
Of our plays and our fights

Larry's in Charge
Of our points and our sites

And I sing, I want,
I want Larry in Charge of me.

- JG & BL

A fella can dream...

2006-02-08T14:55:00.000-05:00

What would happen if the NCAA had a football playoff?

Well, the good ole boys of CollegeFootballNews.com went the distance.

The Brackets

Who wins, you ask? A real shocker!

-JG

SNAP!

2006-02-08T14:48:00.000-05:00

Starbury's confused. He doesn't get why Larry Brown would say that wins and losses don't matter at this point.

Maybe Larry can shine some light on this situation.

"He only went to Georgia Tech for a year," Brown said of Marbury, "and that's an engineering school."

Did Larry spill some ACC hatorade?

Super For Serious Folks, when this whole thing ends. I think they should get an apartment together.

-JG

The Buck Stops Somewhere Over There

2006-02-07T10:53:00.000-05:00

Coach Mike Holmgren is one standup guy, isn't he folks? He leads his NFC Champions Seattle Seahawks into the Super Bowl, and sure he made some mistakes, but hey we are all human. We make mistakes. I am sure Mike will place blame exactly where its supposed to go. Facing a crowd of about 15,000 Seahawk fans Holmgren let them all know where the buck stops.

"We knew it was going to be tough going up against the Pittsburgh Steelers," Holmgren said. "I didn't know we were going to have to play the guys in the striped shirts as well."

Ok, not what I expected, I mean sure the Darrel Jackson PI call was tough, and Big Ben never crossed the goal line, but still can we blame the refs for everything?

Did the Refs throw a game killing interception? Did the Refs miss any tackles during Willie Parker's 75 yard run? Did the Refs completely blow protection on a gadget play that has been run by the Steelers in every game since November? Did the Refs cause Jerremy Stevens's hand to be made of tissue paper? (New Rule, putting 2 Rs in a name like Jeremy should disqualify anyone from being a parent)

Yes the Steelers did benefit from some key calls, but to hear a former Super Bowl winning coach be so oblivious to his own mistakes seems to be in of itself a mistake. Let's all relax people, it is still Seattle after all, two shots of expresso and this is all just a bad memory.

- BL

Nice Mangos!

2006-02-07T09:56:00.000-05:00

Pedro and his trophies!

-Joe Cool

The Anti-Brady

2006-02-06T17:51:00.000-05:00

One of these things is not like the other:

13 Vince Carter, NJN - 24.2
14 Chris Bosh, TOR - 22.9
15 J. Richardson, GS - 22.8
16 B.Roethlisberger, PITT - 22.6
17 R. Hamilton, DET - 22.0
18 Kevin Garnett, MIN - 21.9
1p Rashard Lewis, SEA - 21.7

(Hint: One of them is the Super Bowl winning QB and his rating.)

-JG

Do I Amuse You?

2006-02-06T17:29:00.000-05:00

Taylor Bunts rule #58:
Don't try and be cute and ask anything of Joe Pesci, EVER!!!

Go get your shinebox!

-Agent Johnson (not related)

Hate It or Love It

2006-02-06T15:11:00.000-05:00

Apparently The Game isn't just Hip Hop's MVP, he's also a baller on the hard wood.

"I'm a playground legend in California," The Game says. "Do the research."

He even goes as far as giving his stat line in High School. "I averaged 14.9 points a game, 6 rebounds and 4 assists," he says. "Not bad for a man who also gangbanged and sold drugs full time, right?"

I'd say that should garner some attention as a rare quintuple double, right? I mean, it IS The Game, let's give him the benefit of the doubt as I'm scared of him.

-Huggins

Tom Brady's True Thoughts; Revealed

2006-02-06T09:48:00.000-05:00

"Ok keys, check. Wallet, check. Cellphone, check. Pocketsquare, check. Are we ready for this thing people? Think these guys can smell the hookers from here? It aint easy being me, we ready yet?

A friggin coin flip, what a joke. I got more star power in my thumb. Ok look for the cameras, look for them, now smile. Does Matt Hasslebeck know how bad he looks? Guy needs a friend of dorothy stylist. Ok baby, who's the man?'

Sometimes I wish I could fade away like Drew did, is that Jessica Alba? Ok this side is heads, this side is tails, good to go. These guys look more like the cast of Oz more than GQ, someone's gettin more endorsement money, HOLLA! It's all about those 5 layers of Visa protection. Is there a cheerleader I couldn't bang if I wanted to?

Ok here comes my big moment, flip it like I did Bridget. Flashes, smile, smile, and wave. Wonder if I have enough time to go bang some models on a pile of flaming cash? Who loves you people, and who do you love?"

- BL

Lingerie Vs. XL, Which One is Really Super?

2006-02-03T10:58:00.000-05:00

Now look, far be it for me to compare an amazing display of athletic prowess between two teams who deserve to be there with the Steelers vs. the Seahawks, but I am going to try. No offense to the fair cities of Pittsburgh and Seattle, but the rest of the country really isn't all that excited for this game. This might be the first year that the Lingerie Bowl could have more buzz around it then the actual game. A quick comparison reveals just how close these two American institutions have become.

Super Bowl Vs. Lingerie Bowl

Team Names - Steelers, Seahawks / Team Names - Euphoria, Desire

What is better, looking at the Seahawk mascot or the mascot for Desire? Advantage Lingerie.

Play by Play - Al Michaels / Play by Play - Mike Goldberg

One of these guys is a Hall of Fame announcer and the other calls the action for the UFC. Can Goldberg translate sweaty men rolling around together to sweaty women rolling around together? Advantage Super.

Commish - Paul Tagliabue / Commish -"The Fridge" William Perry

One of these guys has a Super Bowl ring, a rushing touchdown, and a verse in the Super Bowl Shuffle. The other has a MBA, makes around five million a year, and has all of his teeth. Advantage Super.

Color Commentator - John Madden / Color Commentator - Jenny McCarthy

There will be no Turducken at the Super Bowl which is a detrement to John Madden, and Jenny in a recent Howard Stern interview was revealed to have had long term "relations" with Jenna Jameson. Advantage Lingerie.

Marquee Stars - Jerome Bettis, Matt Hasslebeck / Marquee Stars - Cindy Margolis

So Jerome Bettis is from Detroit, and Matt's sister-in-law is the reasonably hot chick on the view. Cindy Margolis is the most downloaded women on the internet. A made up superlative that convoluted just doesn't grow on trees people. Then again Margolis probably won't be doing any Chunky Soup commercials no matter the outcome, so Advantage Super.

Well that's it, that's the list, I hope all of you enjoy the game whichever one you choose to watch. I myself don't want to influence picks or choices, but I got the game 24-20 Steelers/Euphoria.

- BL

Every Where You Look (there's a heart)...

2006-02-02T12:08:00.000-05:00

"Stephanie, we want you to come in here and have a seat."

"How rude?!"

"Hunka, Hunka, sit down Stef."

"OK, Uncle Jesse. Wait... WHY ARE THERE TWO MICHELLE'S?!?!?!!?"

Add a fake Bullwinkle impersonation and this HAD to be what the Jodie Sweetin, Meth intervention was like.

Super for serious folks, when she saw TWO Michelles, she totally must have thought she was still on the sweet, sweet Meth.

-JG

He's A Big Dumb Animal, Isn't He Folks?

2006-02-02T10:05:00.000-05:00

Year 2 of the Urban Meyer experience has already exceeded the hype of year 1, and its not even august yet. The Gators according to many reports have the top recruiting class in the country, highlighted by the signings of QB Tim Tebow and WR Percy Harvin.

Tim Tebow is my new favorite gator, a kid who was homeschooled his entire life so that he could join his family on missions to remote asian locations. He is according to friends I have in Gainesville, amazing, strong, tough, and dumb. So I did a little research and found out that his high school GPA was 3.5.....oh and his SAT was 890. 890 is nothing to be ashamed about people, its a lot more than 790.

On PTI last night (The best show on TV BTW) they were asked the chances of Urban Meyer winning a national title in Gainesville. Mr. Tony put it at a high 75% while Wilbon was more of a hack putting the number at 5%. I think that the number is closer to 50% with Urban needing some breaks to make it happen.

The reasoning is the Gators schedule; Depending on the year, the Gators could be At LSU, At Tennessee, and At FSU. Oh and don't forget the largest outdoor cocktail party, but then again its Georgia. If the Gators were in the PAC 10, I would say the Gators could be in the Rose Bowl by this year, but the road through the SEC is never easy.

Florida is only 10 years removed from its last (and first and only) National Title, could that big dummy Tebow lead us to the promised land? Well I wouldn't let Tebow near an open flame, but I think he might be the final piece to the ultimate Urban Warfare.

- BL

Ten-Hut, Recruits

2006-02-02T09:54:00.000-05:00

Signing day has come and gone. The moment of grown men salivating over athletic boys has come to an end (until the NFL Draft Combine). There were surprising moments as well as expected moments, man I haven't been this excited since this time last season.

Well, who was the big winner? Let's just say everyone else is Gator Bait.

Ranking the Recruiting Classes

-JG

My Super Bowl XL With Eric Dickerson

2006-02-01T11:41:00.000-05:00

How much would you pay to have a perfect stranger over to watch the Super Bowl? Now what if I said that the stranger would become your defacto slave, incharge of refilling the food and beer. Not convinced? Well what if I told you the stranger was Hall of Fame Running Back and butcher of the English Language Eric Dickerson?

That's right, Mr. Personality Eric Dickerson could become your slave for this sunday, all you have to do is secure the top bid. The highest bid right now on Ebay for Eric's services is $4,450. Mark Gastineau is available as well for a snickers bar and a case of Mike's Hard Lemonade.

According to the auction, Miller Lite and ED have teamed up in order to give some lucky fan (all money does go to charity) a chance to have Eric become your personal slave. I can only imagine a group of fratty white guys forcing ED to clean up their game of Beirut, or making him run out for a box of Malomars.

Are there any limitations to this auction? What won't ED do? Can I dress him up? What about making him call me a cool name like chief or bossman? Can I force him to not talk?

Now before everyone races over to place a bid there are some restrictions to the auction.

"To qualify the winning bidder must live within the continental United States and be located within two hours of an airport so we can make sure Dickerson gets there before kickoff."

Take that Idaho and rural Montana, looks like ED won't service your country asses. Might as well wait for the Mark Chmura babysits your teenagers auction.

So enjoy the Super Bowl this sunday, but take solace in the fact that somewhere in the continental United States Eric Dickerson is somebody's bitch.

- BL

Readin is Fun Da Mental

2006-02-01T10:04:00.000-05:00

Far be it for me to ridicule a man who has made close to 100 million dollars before the age of twenty five, but then there is this article about Lebron James not being able to read the last line of a Dr. Seuss book to a class full of children.

This wasn't War & Peace or David Copperfield, but the challenging "Oh the Places You'll Go", a book who's recommended reading age is between 2-102. The line that got BronBron in trouble you ask?

"Be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea, you're off to Great Places!"

See kids, if you are a professional athlete reading is totally optional. Hell Lebron doesn't even cut his own steak, true story. Who needs to read, its the NBA people, all you need to be able to do is keep it real.

So put down that copy of Where the Wild Things Are, and stop with all that multiplication, and get outside and run some wind sprints. If Lebron has taught these school children anything, its that just because you have money doesn't mean you need to be able to pronounce words like "Buxbaum", you can hire someone for that.

- BL

I'm Not Gonna Lie, I'm Scared To Even Post This Pic

2006-01-31T21:28:00.000-05:00

"Honey, I just had my eyebrows done."

"(mocking sarcasm) Great."

"Wanna see?"

"Sure (turns head). Wha, wha, wha, wha, what?! (collapses on the floor)"

"Milk was a bad choice."

TheSmokingGun.com:
"Meet Jose Luis Gomez. The Iowa man, 20, is locked up in the Polk County Jail on robbery and assault charges. Nothing special there. What sets Gomez apart from other accused felons in the Des Moines clink (and nationwide, for that matter) are the distinctive tattoos above his smoky brown eyes. Gomez, you see, likes to make a statement without saying a word."

Words of Wisdom from TBunts

2006-01-31T21:20:00.000-05:00

You're The Next Contestant On...

2006-01-31T20:54:00.000-05:00

Red Sox get their man! Alex Gonzalez, come on down. Shortstop and Fenway beckon.

From ESPN Research:

2005 Lowest BA After All-Star break among NL SS (min. 100 AB)

Cesar Izturis, LA .216
Clint Barmes, COL .216
Omar Quintanilla, COL .219
Alex Gonzalez, FLA .229*
*.282 BA before All-Star break in 2005

Thanks for the stats, Buster Olney...

What? It's always in season to crack on the Saux.

(insert 2003 World Series game winning homer against the Yanks line, here. THAT SERIES NEVER HAPPENED!!!!)

The Wind Beneath My...

2006-01-31T20:44:00.000-05:00

5 foot nuthin'. 100 and nuthin'. But man can he get to the rim.

Nate Robinson to compete in the 2006 NBA Dunk Contest... (http://sports.espn.go.com/nba/news/story?id=2313651 - unfortunately I can't be all cool and hyper link)

Don't you dare call him Gary Coleman!!!

BREAKING - Kobe Feels Emotions

2006-01-31T09:41:00.000-05:00

In a breaking story from our good friends over at ESPN, it would seem that Kobe Bryant is "Embarrassed" about people thinking that he is trying to top Wilt Chamberlin's record of 100 points in a game.

Yes, we have finally found something for which Kobe feels emotion.

Rape trial? Nah.

Running the best Center in the history of the league out of town? Nope.

I mean how could people misconstrue Kobe taking 40+ shots a game as him trying to score 100. You guys don't know Kobe the way his friends and family do.

Some choice quote from the Kobster.

"The concept is not about going out there and putting on a show or going out there and scoring points. It's to win games," he said. "Whatever it takes. You have to gauge the flow of the game and then decide when to pick your spot to take over."

Ok so you pick your spot? Lamar Odom are you listening to this?

I always like to end my post's on a fun note so here is Kobe's team philosophy.

"I'd much rather go out and score 25 points and get 10 assists and see everybody in a rhythm, everybody in a groove."

Now I'm embarrassed.

- BL

Dave Chappelle's Block Party

2006-01-30T18:34:00.000-05:00

I kind of, sort of want this to be available on DVD so I can watch again and again. For some reason this trailer really got me going. Feel that tingle in your gonads?

Dave Chappelle's Block Party

Trailer

Like A Bat Outta Hell

2006-01-30T18:20:00.000-05:00

"People are buzzing about Lawrence Taylor's bizarre behavior at Prime 112 last week. He reached for a bottle from the wrong table, approached Michael Jordan's table and loudly yelled, ''Ladies and gentleman, Michael Jordan!'' An embarrassed Jordan put his head in his hands. Charles Oakley tried to settle down L.T."

After his encounter with Oakley, LT was seen cutting Oak's Escalade in half with a chain saw.

Deadspin Sez...

Next Stop Pottersville

2006-01-30T18:15:00.000-05:00

King meet Brooke Burke, Brooke Burke meet King.

Let's just say... It's good to be the King

Recipe for Career Suicide

2006-01-30T09:45:00.000-05:00

The following makes for a lavish portion of Career Suicide; This recipe has Italian origins, but can be applied to all types.

Combine all ingredients into mixing bowl

2 Bad Knees
1 NL Rookie of the Year Award
1 NL Team
A lock of Sam Champions Hair
1 Half of a Louisville Slugger
1 Giant Ego
1 Noodle Arm
A Wispy Mustache (Think John Waters)

Now after mixing up all the ingredients, just pour into the worst hitting park in the majors, and let cool.

Serves about 5-10 Homeruns and 30-50 RBIs.

- BL

Miyagi Here... And Here...

2005-11-25T11:03:00.000-05:00

I'm having trouble linking here, but Pat Morita (aka Mr. Miyagi) has passed away.

He will be missed...

-JG

Sheen vs. Estevez

2005-11-25T10:59:00.000-05:00

(please note the following will appear in next week's Taylor Bunts Gazzette)

Now if you had one chance, one moment, and one opportunity to be part of Hollywood royalty, which of the two shining princes would you be? Emilio or Charlie, Charlie or Emilio. Well, I must say this is a tough one and I would imagine that the best way to figure this out would be to break it down into a few categories with a point awarding the winner. At the end of the time, we will collect your Scan-Trons and tally the votes. My hope with this experiment is to be one step closer to becoming a Sheen…

Sports Movie (or sports movie trilogy)
Rick Vaughn vs. Gordon Bombay
Where Emilio may get the longevity credit here, it really boils down to him being available and willing to play Gordon Bombay in three films. Whereas Rick Vaughn may have been castrated in Major League 2, but Vaughn was still Wild Thing AND he very well could be the reason Mo enters The Stadium to Enter Sandman. I’d say more, but is there really a reason? Circle goes to Sheen.

Best Oeuvre
I’m gonna take two for each side here. Let’s start with Emilio as Two-Bit in The Outsiders and Billy The Kid in Young Guns (and YG2). If there ever was a showing of the range of Emilio this would be it. Greaser Two-Bit vs. Billy The Kid. It sorta seems like one became the other here with both of these Emilio characters, but you can’t argue the fun both of these guys exhibited especially combined with the “Emilio Laugh.” That high pitched guffaw into the pseudo-snort, which plays right into the cockiness of both of these guys. Superb. There is a big however, and that is the Oliver Stone influence on Charlie. Platoon and Wall Street. Platoon, for me, is one of those movies that I’ve seen many times, but can never wrap my head around, making it hard for me to remember it at all. Very weird and there aren’t many flicks that do this to me. Regardless of my black spaces surrounding Platoon (perhaps it’s because I just live by Apocalypse Now), there is no forgetting the charismatic Bud Fox. It always gets me when Bud Fox gets arrested at work and walks through the cubicles crying. WOW, what acting! Circle goes to Sheen (with a tremendous 20 assist night from Oliver Stone).

Women Side Dishes
Let’s not forget two things about Emilio and Charlie. One was part of the Brat Pack and the other LOVED prostitutes. With that said Emilio was nice and cozy with Demi in her prime. (Side tangent: I think Demi Moore has to be considered a Roger Clemens type. Young Phenom, Flamed out from over exposure, Tons of work on their bodies, Back in their prime after 40 – eerily similar.) You know what; I don’t even feel like talking about Charlie and Heidi Fleiss. Square goes to Emilio.

Celeb Wives
Paula Abdul (in her Pop Princess Prime – Side tangent #2: At her absolute Apex, who can we compare Paula to. If Beyonce can be compared to Mariah and early, pre-pregs Brittney is Madonna, who is the present day Paula. Janet Jackson? Christina Milian? Ciara?). Back to the topic: Paula Abdul vs. Denise Richards. Well, my age may dictate this answer, as I grew up on Wild Things. Circle goes to Charlie.

Stupid Spoofs
An actor’s career is not completed until he makes a spoof, right? Well, these brosephs did one each. National Lampoon’s Loaded Weapon 1 and Hot Shots (Hot Shots part deux). Well, Loaded Weapon never did it for me quite like Hot Shots. But my most memorable Hot Shots moment deals with my theater experience. Empty theater except for me and my 2 neighbors (I will leave there names out of this). Anyway, one neighbor piles back the milk duds like a machine, for serious his hand was a shovel. So he starts chewing and laughing and next thing you know, he starts puking everywhere. Like PUKE, PUKE. Me and my other neighbor shriek and run away to the other side of the theater. We spent the next 90 minutes of the moving running from seat to seat because the Puker insisted on seating near us. Circle goes to Charlie and milk duds have never been the same since.

Cheesy Sci Fi
Freejack vs. The Arrival. Let’s put it this way one was the top dog in a film that co-starred Mick Jagger, Rene Russo and Anthony Hopkins. The other starred alongside Meet The Parents’ Teri Polo. So, I mean, why even bother. Emilio is snatched by time travel the second before his race car explodes. How can you honestly compete with that one? Square goes to Emilio.

Parts That Have Transcended The Screen
Andy Clark, Breakfast Club vs. The aforementioned Rick Vaughn. I have already discussed what Vaughn might have done to baseball by entering the game to loud rock music, but I’m bothered seriously by the weak ass Vaugn from Part 2. Andy Clark, and actually Breakfast Club as a whole, has had such a huge impact on my life (and no it wasn’t at all ruined by the ridiculous re-union). I’ll just leave this with one phrase, “I can duct-tape all your buns together.” Square goes to Emilio.

If you’re keeping score at home Charlie has a 4-3 edge. Luckily there is a two pointer up next. (And if you’re still reading, I thank you)
And finally, head to head.
Young Guns – Emilio is clearly the star in this one and we spoke about his cocky laugh, which clearly covers up any (if there are) faults in Emilio’s game. Now, I was way more devastated from the death of Charlie in #1 then I was with Emilio’s “possible” death in #2. But I can’t hate the player. Square goes to Emilio.
Men At Work – I’m just gonna say this. I gonna throw it out there and hope it sticks. The scene in the dinner when the Nam guy is doodling the crazy war picture. Charlie leans in to grab a fry, leading to the famous line, “Never touch another man’s fry.” I don’t know if any other actor could have pulled off what Charlie did in that scene. Circle goes to Charlie. Game. Set. Match.

Notable Charlie Sheen Gems:
moments in which he played the “oh yeah, he was in that movie” role:
Red Dawn, Lucas, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Sheen also had a cameo in National Lampoon’s Loaded Weapon.

Greatest movie that has been forgotten for one reason or the other:
The Wraith. Now, I don’t know how this flick has aged it could either be a great pinot noir or a bottle of vinegar, but at the time I loved it. It could have been the crazy futuristic death car, which we can only assume was created in hell and brought to this planet to wreak havoc on the people that killed Charlie before he became Charlie (you follow?). Anyway, I can’t even recall what the chick in this movie looked like, but I do remember Clint Howard and Randy Quaid. Quiad played the sheriff is this town and my lone memory is of him cutting paper people and then decapitating them as Clint Howard recoiled in horror. Till this day, I can’t understand why Clint had dirt on his face for the whole movie. A part of me really wanted to be Charlie during this flick and in retrospect, this is definitely the NUMBER 1 reason why I would rather be Charlie instead of Emilio. The Wraith, 1986. Here is the tagline: Jake is killed by neighborhood thugs, and returns as a mystical figure (The Wraith) to gain revenge. Somewhere, there is a Jake in all of us and even deeper, there is a Charlie in that Jake inside of us.

And I haven’t even talked about Spin City or Money Talks or Navy SEALs. Gosh I wanna be Charlie. (*Note: I purposely left out The Chase b/c seriously, that sex scene in the car, come on now.)

-JG

It's been awhile... we know...

2005-11-25T10:54:00.000-05:00

You said it, Giambino. You said it.

-JG

The World of Bonnie

2005-11-15T09:46:00.000-05:00

There will never be another Lesley Visser, although we are in the middle of a golden age for halfway attractive sideline female reporters. There is Suzy Kolber, Michele Tafoya, Rachel Nichols, and of course Shelley Smith...oh Shelley how I want to lay between your milky white mounds and discuss the future of TO. But the real bright star in the mildy hot sky is our girl Bonnie Bernstein.

Don't know who she is you say? Couldn't place the face? Well then go check out Bonnie's personal website. The site claims it is the official website of Bernstein, which is helpful so that you can avoid all those thousands of Bonnie imitation sites.

Click on her bio! See her on the sidelines! Watch her do that voodoo that she do so well!

But the real diamond in the rough of the Bonnie Bernstein site is her own personal online diary, where you can follow her through her hectic schedule. My favorite part of the diary comes in a November 29th post where she lets us in on her true feelings;

"Sex sells. You know it, I know it"

Preaching to the Choir Bonnie, Preaching to the Choir.

- BL

Via Con Dios

2005-11-14T15:41:00.000-05:00

Eddie Guerrero, the master of the Frogsplash, and one time WWE World Champion passed away yesterday. Eddie was part of the Guerrero wrestling family, which included his father, three brothers, and cousin Chavo.

His mullet will be missed.

- BL

What Kinda Name is Urban Anyway?

2005-11-14T09:38:00.000-05:00

Who needs to vent when the AP poll can say it all for you.

19. University of South Carolina
20. University of Florida

- BL

THE GAME!!!!!!!

2005-11-12T23:39:00.000-05:00

Let's get this out of the way... THE GAME is Sunday.

Big House. Big Time. More details to come and you know what... THIS GUY can't wait.

-Kool-Aid Drinker

South Carolina Superior?

2005-11-12T18:43:00.000-05:00

When the worst case scenario for your season occurs, it might be time to focus on other things. Like say puzzles, or stamp collecting, hell maybe a little line dancing.

Just don't expect me to care too much about the Gator's appearance in the Gallery Furniture.com Bowl.

If you are very quiet and turn your ear towards Gainesville you can almost hear all the good ol' boy boosters crying themselves to sleep on their 1996 Steve Spurrier sheets.

- BL

Hang TEN

2005-11-11T10:58:00.000-05:00

Week Ten already, my goodness, where has the season gone. Pretty soon we'll all be sitting on our couches drinking some brews while watching the Thanksgiving games. Unreal.

Last week was a good one for both teams (BL 9-5, JG 8-6) and we see no reason why this shouldn't continue. As for the fighting Jonny Mexico's of the Alabama Worley Football league dropped to 4th place, but couldn't be happier that Priest is dunzo and LJ is the man.

As always HOME team in caps and differing games are in BOLD and itallics. (The spreads used were from CBS Sportsline.)

___________

NYG -9.5 Minnesota Vikings
I'm not afraid to admit that I have jumped on the G-Man bandwaggon... But I feel that Brad Johnson is going to do enough good things (Like not turning the ball over or molesting any women...) to keep the Vikes in it. I'll take the points. -JG

When the Redskins got rid of Fred Smoot part of me was sad. After this season that move looks like the release of the year. Smoot was the ringleader of the Love Cruise, and gets burned every week. Look for a big game from my boy Plexi as the Giants roll. -BL

BEARS -13.5 San Francisco 49ers
This pick actually pained me. See, I think I have gone with the Bears ALL season and they have been bear-y bear-y good to me. But they are giving 2 TDs here and by my calculations, the last time Kyle Orton lit anyone up was the Illinois Alumni swiss cheese D. 49ers. -JG

Kyle Orton was featured in SI this week, poor Rex. While the Bears are leading the NFC North, if Grossman was healthy I think this team woulda been a real NFC Super Bowl contender. Orton just can't get the ball to Mushin. I like the Bears. -BL

DETROIT -4.5 Arizona Cardinals
So let me get this right, the starting QBs for this game are Joey Harrington and Kurt Warner? Is it too late to refund the people of Detroit? Lions. -JG

Steve Mariucci vs. Dennis Green. The 49ers vs the Vikings. Jerry Rice vs. Chris Carter. Wait, I am getting something over my ear piece. Oh my bad. So its the Lions and the Cards huh. Joey Harrington vs. Kurt Warner. Um ok. Flip a coin and its the Lions. -BL

MIA +3.5 New England Patriots
All the talk is about the Patriots inconsistent play... Well, they win one and then lose one, win one and then lose win. That sounds pretty consistent to me. I don't see the Pats giving away ground to a division rival. -JG

After last week's Pats game against the Colts this game takes on some new questions. See the Colts ran all over the Pats, and the Fish have the two headed monster of Ronnie Brown and Ricky Williams. Could I actually be convinced to pick against the Pats? Nope, look for a big bounce back here. -BL

JAX -7.5 Baltimore Ravens
I can't stand either of these teams. When I finally pick them - they do nothing to help me. I'll take the under and I guess Jacksonville. Too bad this game isn't on TV cause we'd get to hear how the Ravens screwed up by not drafting Leftwich only about 65 times. Jaguars. -JG

The Ravens stink, even if John Feinstein has a new book out about them. Jamal Lewis is the biggest stiff on the field and the defense is aging before our eyes. The Jags on the other hand are the new look Ravens with a stiff D that keeps its suspect Offense in games. I got the Jags. -BL

BILLS -2.5 Kansas City Chiefs
Grand-Ma-Ma. Grand-Ma-Ma. Grand-Ma-Ma. Grand-Ma-Ma. Grand-Ma-Ma. Grand-Ma-Ma. Let's go Chiefs! -JG

This is the moment Larry Johnson and his 3 fans have been waiting for. He won't let them down. i got the Chiefs. -BL

INDY -17.5 Houston Texans
Gentlemen, Start Your Engines! Will Indy lay an egg after, arguably, their biggest victory EVER! I doubt it. In fact, I expect fireworks. -JG

What a monster schedule for Indy huh? First the Pats game coming off a Bye week, and now a tough home game against the terminally ill Texans. I got Indy. -BL

OAKTOWN +3.5 Denver Broncos
If Denvers a serious contender, they walk into Oakland and torch the Raiders. If Jake Plummer is a furreal QB, he walks into Oakland and wins the game. I don't know if Denver is legit, yet, but I have some concerns about Oakland and the fact that their leading receiver is Lamont Jordan. Look for some great Champ Bailey - Randy Moss action and Denver covering. -JG

Denver has vastly improved this year compared to previous post-Elway teams. Mike Shanahan hates Al Davis. Those two points equal a Denver win. -BL

CAR -9.5 New York Jets
All the talk in NY is how the J!E!T!S! defense had a pow-wow. How they cleared the air. How they took strides and asked the Def Coordinator to get back to being aggressive. Well, I truly think that will pump up this D. Speaking of pumped up, can someone please send us video footage of the Carolina Cheerleader fiasco. We know it's out there. Please send it to us. JETS! -JG

Now entering the game for the Jets Brooks Bollinger. Someone get Ken O'Brien on the phone ASAP. I got Carolina. -BL

SEA -6.5 St. Louis Rams
What has two thumbs and can't wait for Torry Holt to be back on the field? THIS GUY. Anyway, look for the Seahawks to keep it rolling. -JG

Ah the storied rivalries of the NFC West. Two of the uglier uniforms go at it, and the winner is the team with Shaun Alexander. The Rams D is paper thin, but Bulger and Holt will be back. I like Seattle to win, but that spread is too large for the Rams. I got St. Louis. -BL

TB +1.5 Washington Redskins
This confuses me... Tampa gets FUBARed in San Fran two weeks ago. Gets plastered last week and the Skins are only a 1.5 point favorite? How'd this happen again? You got shirts, I got Skins. -JG

Skins coming off easily the biggest win of the year against the Eagles need to win this game if they have any hopes of making the playoffs. Tampa Bay's QB is Chris Simms. Let's hope that is enough for a Skins win. -BL

ATL -9.5 Green Bay Packers
Remember that one cold January night a few years ago when a young Mike Vick went into Lambeau and stole the glory and mystique from the stadium? Well, that really has nothing to do with anything, but one could argue that that was the end of the Favre-ian era. Granted the next year they went on the crazy run, only to lose to the Eagles on that 4th and 24... But the fact that Favre lost a playoff, freezing temp game at home is something that shouldn't be looked over. Anywho, long story short... I'll take the Pack with the points. -JG

Brett Favre might have been 7-0 if he was the Eagles QB, but that aint happenin. Mike Vick might have been 0-7 if he was the Texans QB. Neither will happen so let's just go with the Falcons here. -BL

PITTS -8.5 Cleveland Browns
This week marked the giddy-est fantasy football moment for me of the season. I got Duce Staley. I got Duce Staley. (to be said like a teasing, obnoxious little boy.) I got Duce Staley. Pitts! -JG

This one is not even fair. This game could only be won by the Browns in the world of Madden. I got the Steelers. -BL

PHILLY -2.5 Dallas Cowboys
You know what, screw Philly. I think they are done. And I think it's about time the rest of the NFC East got some love. In the early 90s when every team in the NFC East won a Super Bowl, EXCEPT for the Eagles, I was genuinely happy. Mmmm, clear the menu, some Tuna on Monday Night. Cowboys. -JG

Last time the Boys were on MNF they gave up 2 TD in the last 5 mins of the 4th qtr. You think Parcells won't be reminding them of that every practice? The Eagles are in free fall. Look for Mcnabb to opt for surgery on his "sports hernia" before week 12. I got the Cowboys. -BL

___________

Season Standings:
JG 72-58
BL 60-70

-Taylor Bunts

First Hollywood, then the Banks, now the NFL

2005-11-11T09:38:00.000-05:00

Being jewish there are really only three acceptable professions for one to enter. There is doctor (obvi), lawyer (obvi), and accountant for those who can't do the first two. No where on that list though does it say NFL Defensive Lineman.

My people, well we don't play football. Either because of our mother's constant fear that we might injure ourselves before our cousin's Bat Mitzvah pictures, or the fact that most jews top out at 5'6 165. Football like welding and auto mechanics just isn't cohen friendly. Not anymore though people as now the jews have a D-Lineman to call our own.

Meet Igor Olshansky, the jewish Rosa Parks.

Olshansky is a 6'6 300 pound defensive tackle for the fighting Chargers of San Diego. He also has the honor of being the first communist born athlete in the NFL; immigrating from the Ukraine when he was 9. That's right people read that again, I said 6'6 300 pounds. That is like 2 Jon Stewarts and a Billy Crystal.

Olshansky's offseason interests are Military History and Martial Arts. Sounds like a real mellow guy. Not since David Berkowitz has a jew instilled this much fear into people.

While he isn't the first jewish player in the NFL (how can we forget "Jewish" Jay Fielder) he is certainly the first one big enough to impose his will on others without the use of the legal system.

Igor Olshansky, the biggest jew since Jesus Christ.

- BL

From the Irony Folder

2005-11-10T17:20:00.000-05:00

Even more proof that G_d has a sick sense of humor as a man was shot during a showing of Fiddy's (50 for all my white readers) new movie Get Rich or Die Trying.

People please I beg of you. The Dentist and Mall food advertisements are bad enough, let's not bring homicide into the Loews people.

- BL

Sunday Confessional

2005-11-10T17:00:00.000-05:00

At first someone reported that Priest had a tumor in his spinal chord... Coach Dick Vermeil, vehemently denied that. In fact, it seems that whoever came up with that was too busy watching this weeks episode of House.

Anyway... some word is floating around that the real reason Priest is calling it a day is because of Vermeil's long practices.

One league source told ProFootballtalk that Holmes is "A pain in the ass. He is either hurt or bitching about his contract."

Well, I'll say that I am shocked about this behavior. Seriously, I always held the Priest in a higher light.

-JG

Who's House... T.O.'s House..

2005-11-09T16:31:00.000-05:00

Now Taylor Bunts usually isn't the place to check real estate... BUT if you find yourself in a bind and are looking for a place in Moorsetown Township, NJ - you are in luck.

A Mr. T Owens has gladly put his 5 bedroom, 7 bathroom, 3 car garage estate on the market for a shade under $4.4 mill.

I mean, who wouldn't want to lay their bodies on the same satin sheets that T.O did?

-JG

And the Winner's ARE...

2005-11-09T16:15:00.000-05:00

The 2005 Winner for best Halloween costume!

Thanks to Joey Pants of Island Park, NY for sending in the winning photo.

-JG

The Green Lantern's Candle Blew Out Long Before...

2005-11-09T11:08:00.000-05:00

3rd and 5.

4th Quarter.

Need a TD to win, need 5 yards to keep the drive going.

Jets QB drops back into the pocket - it's 3rd down, where's #80?

QB finds him - throws it - and #80 does what he always does... Puts his body, his heart, his soul out for the team. He gets 6 yards - moves the chains - ends his career.

You never want to see this happen, never want a player to leave the game this way, concused for the um-teenth time... But it's somewhat poetic that Wayne Chrebet, the same man who came from nowhere (the pride of Hofstra), the same man who earned his living making the big catch at the big time, makes his last catch and has it mean so much.

Chrebet, in the words of my dad, was the man who was ALWAYS OPEN!!!! Big spot, need a first down - #80.

The Anti-Meshaun, the Anti-TO. Chrebet will be remembered by every Jets fan for ever. His legacy will live on.

We bow our heads to you, Wayne and don't take this the wrong way, but we don't want to see you on the field anymore. No more concussions. Please, no more concussions.

-JG

CY COLON

2005-11-08T15:17:00.000-05:00

Jabba The Hutt, er, Bartolo Colon is the winner of the 2005 American League Cy Young. Congrats, Bart, but you know what? I think this is a bunch of crap!

No disrespect to Colon, who at 21-8 with a 3.47 era and 157 Ks, is very deserving of this award... But COME ON!!!

Yankee tantrum Commences In

3

2

1

HOW DOES MARIANO RIVERA not win this award?! HOW does the most dominant pitcher in the game today (yes PITCHER not just relief pitcher) not win this award?! Especially when you factor in that Mo's era of 1.38 was his BEST EVER!!

Come on people... This isn't just a Yankee favoritism thing, this is the truth. The fact that Mo didn't win this award is a travesty. After his meltdown at the beginning of the season (a meltdown that happened after a winter in which Mo didn't pitch - he rested and a spring training in which he was a little sore).

PEOPLE, HE DIDN'T GIVE UP A RUN FOR LIKE TWO MONTHS!!!!

I tip my cap to Bartolo and he tips his scale.

But I'm not happy over this, one bit.

-JG

Happy Birthday, Taradise

2005-11-08T13:13:00.000-05:00

She's blonde.

She's blitzed.

She's 30!

Happy 30th Birthday, Tara Reid!

Cheers!

-JG

Roy, Roy, Roy

2005-11-08T12:57:00.000-05:00

Detroit Lions head coach Steve Mariucci told WR Roy Williams that he was "dragging" during the game.

Roy's response: "I'm not a punk," Williams said. "I'm a football player. I was ready at all times. I'm not going to dress if I'm not ready to play. He's the head coach and he manages his players."

Who doesn't love wide receivers?

-JG

What Does Sean Alexander Say?

2005-11-08T12:39:00.000-05:00

Talk to the Hand!

-JG

Always Fun

2005-11-08T10:47:00.000-05:00

The List of Fun (top 5) is as follows:
1) The Office
2) Beer Pong
3) Orange Mocha Frappucino
4) NCAA College Bowl Projections
5) Lucy Clarkson

For this post - Let's just examine #4. Bowl Projections.

Some interesting matchups:
Alamo Bowl
Oklahoma v. Michigan

Peach Bowl
Florida State v. Florida

-JG

Indy Raceway

2005-11-08T10:08:00.000-05:00

Did Peyton Manning finally get the monkey off his back with the Colts 40-21 win against New England? We'll find out next week as they have a chance to put their foot to the neck of the AFC.

I, personally, found the game to be very predictable. Right down to Reggie Wayne going nuts and beating me and the fighting Jonny Mexico's. But The Palm Beach Colons had a different, perhaps deeper and better take on last evenings game:

"The game reminded me of like the 1st time I beat my father in a sport. It wasn't cause I was better than him, but he had gotten older while I was getting younger."

Well said, my friend. Well said.

-JG

Queens Manny?

2005-11-08T09:56:00.000-05:00

Crack up the butane, folks, because the Hot Stove is heatin' up.

After rumors of a Manny-Vlad marriage or maybe even a Cleveland-Manny reunion... It seems the Mets are not out of the picture, just yet.

The potential Manny to Mets deal would have to include Mike Cameron, Aaron Heilman and prospects Lastings Milledge and Yusmeiro Petit.

Manny is owed $60 mill over the next 3 years. That $60 mill covers a .300 average, 30+ HRs, 130+ RBIs, nappy hair, brain farts, brain cramps, and a beautiful reunion of Pedro and Manny.

Imagine those two reclining under a tree under the Grand Central Parkway. Camera zooms out.

My take... Man Ram will NOT be in Flushing. But what do I know.

-JG

Jon Gruden, Behind the Music

2005-11-08T09:44:00.000-05:00

When Jon Gruden first became a head coach in Oakland, overcoming his young age to become the youngest coach in the NFL was one of the big feathers in his cap. But what if I told you that like Danny Almonte and El Duque that Jon Gruden was in fact much older than the age he professes.

In fact we here at Taylor Bunts have undeniable proof that not only was Gruden older than we first thought but also the lead singer of one of the 80s great power ballad bands. Jon Gruden was the lead singer of non other than the 'Stones of the 80s' Mr. Mister.

While other coaches were learning the ropes Jon and his band toured the country with the likes of REO Speedwagon, Air Supply, and of course Styx. Look at Jon there in his crisp white shirt and trademark Chucky face. The proof is right there. Jon was the creative force behind such hits as "Broken Wings" and of course the rousing "Kyrie".

We tried to contact the Bucs press office for a comment on this story, but in typical stonewalling fashion we were told that "The Bucs would refuse to comment on this story". Sounds like we hit a nerve huh people?

We here at TBunts will continue to give to you the fan the real truth behind these NFL lies. For instance wasn't Andy Reid in the group PM Dawn? Mike Sherman, the Dad on Alf or not?

We have taken off your mask Jonny boy, now its time for you to embrace your Mr. Mister past and maybe you can "Take these broken wings and learn to fly again".

Fly, Fly, away.

- BL